Return Warmth

If we discontinued our lashing out at people and slow motioned our time with our reactions, I think we’d find a lot less irritable of a person inside of us.
I get that reactions are initial. They’re quite beautiful in that respect. Your response is beautiful in just the opposite way. You DO have time.

It’s like feeding the heart celery. As you make the decisions to respond after letting yourself think, you gain the creation of a possible habit and lose 6 pounds of ego centered mud.

Half the time do we even want to respond wearing a coat of anger?
Likely not.
Shedding that will take time and practice but we’ll feel a lot lighter and have less resistance towards people around us.

 

Besides, after a situation in reacting poorly, how many times does it return to a safe, comfortable place again?

So just skip the part where you insult others and just be collected and calm to begin with. That will generate enough good loving warmth that makes wearing the damn coat severely impractical.

 

 

 

 

Control your Fire

You know when you flick your lighter at a rag soaked in gasoline?
And it bursts into a heat you automatically want to drop?

Sometimes we get those moments. And it is not passion that’s ignited.
It is anger.

Our immediate thought is,  ‘Must stop whatever made me feel this.’
And many many many of us launch with all that initial flame, into an uncontrolled reaction.
We only think with that burst and we don’t let the fire tone down to it’s more brilliant element; calamity.

Feel that fire, acknowledge it and then wait. Slowly go forth when you feel the heat has subsided- in you still but not enough for you to boil over.

We burst into flames all to quickly. Let’s try and wait it out. We’ll only get better by trying.

Approach the problem when you are calm.

You are more respected if you have yourself under control.

Make your fire healthy , not hazardous.

 
Make it heart warming, not heart burnt.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hurted Again

We woke up beside each other again.
I’m pretty sure I went over last night after you had told me not to.

And I shouldn’t have.

You were drunk and angry and I couldn’t say anything to make it right.
For the first time in our time together, you pushed me twice.

I was in slight shock.

I’ve seen you upset and mad before,
but not like this. Not this much.

I have never taken so much hurtful words before. I have never just sat there and got verbally beaten. I have never stood for it. I have never sat for it.
You are the only one I’ve let do so.
Partially because I feel I deserve it, and partially because I’m hoping it helps. And that if you’re venting to me, maybe it won’t be to someone else.
The momementum  was such, that it even rolled into the next morning.

Your eyes blazed anger. I wasn’t scared. I just felt helpless.

I should not have went over.
I will not next time.
See? I’m learning.

 

Writings of My Dark Room

Last week I went to a very dark place.

For four days I stayed inside those walls.
I was aware of all the things I should do, that I needed to do in order to be better. But I didn’t care and I became numb to things and I went out for hours at a time drinking and wandering and not even feeling alone..but.. helpless.It’s an odd idea. To have such a detailed awareness of what I need to do, and then to actually feel unable. To feel the in ability and to know that I’m making it up. That it’s all me.That I’m the one making the problem, enlarging the issue. Im the one being ridiculous and child-like and yet… I feel too weak to change it.
I began to blame every little difficult thing-like the way Zeeks bag wouldn’t zip up on the first try, or tripping over wires, if Zeek cried for more than two minutes- I blamed that on the fact that it was because I was here in Thailand. I began to get angry and I didn’t even realise it was happening.

I had felt that I would be able to get on track and get involved and do more things with Zeek outside of the home. I really believed I would.
And then. It kept on not happening. I kept telling myself I was happy working on my videos and pictures and that if I could just get those done I would feel better.
But I just got in deeper. So deep that before I knew it, I was shutting down and walking with this cement structure around myself, ignoring Morgan and doing the minimal with Zeek.
Light could not enter my space. And I don’t think I even wanted it too. For the first time in my entire life, I actually felt incapable of fixing anything. Incapable of breaking the cube, of being happy. I felt life slide from my finger tips and my lack of care became what I breathed everywhere I went. I stopped eating and using drink, I both mentally and emotionally exhausted myself.
I knew I needed to be better and I knew Morgan and Zeek didn’t deserve to be treated the way I was treating them. I knew I was failing and I just got more angry at myself. I was miserable. I didn’t even feel alone. There was a layer of numbness to everything else I felt. I was unable to be the person I wanted. I hated that I had created this room and the person I was being inside of it.
I hated it, yet I felt I could not escape it..

In the meantime I of course stopped all contact with my family and my mother worried and wanted to talk but I felt like doing nothing of the sort and I stopped emailing the few people I was because silly this, the wait time for responses had me going wild.

I removed myself from any light because I felt all it did was make the issue less raw and I needed it to be raw in order for me to come to this point.

You would think after five years of living abroad I would have accepted being away from Canada but it isn’t the case. I guess that’s partly where all the phases and stages come in.

I have reaccepted my stay here and I have reevaluated my time and I’m kind of ready to not sulk here anymore. I’m okay.

Because it got me to a desperate make believe,four walled room where enough dizzying circles would have resulted in me being put on a plane without my son and flown to my home country where counselling sessions would have been forced into my brain space.

Sometimes I guess, we need refreshing. Sometimes we need to defrag our computers, delete various people on Facebook we don’t even know anymore and dye our hair. Sometimes we need to make big changes in order for us to continue- or even to be – happy.