Mommy Truth

I don’t know if some Moms’ would ever admit to it. or think it.
but i have.

somedays i wish i wasn’t a mom. for those 24 hours i sometimes wish i could only think about myself. i only needed to think about what i wanted to do. somedays i wish that that is only who i had to focus on.

i know i’m a good mother. i really am, but i do have those moments where i fall apart and i yell. or i move fast. and it scares him.

 

noone is ready to give up the entire span of there life hours .

for anyone.

until it happens.

you will never be ready to have kids, as ready as you feel you can be. you will never reach that point and having that point be exactly what you felt was going to happen.

you will fall apart and days will seem poorly sewn together. you will want to fall asleep and never wake up. you will want to sleep for days and never have to feed poop guts it would seem, into your childs mouth.

i understand that noone is a perfect parent and there is no way i claim to be one.

but i am realistic to myself. when it comes to wanting more children or realising that parenthood sure has a lot of joys but, doesn’t always add up in a moment.

i realised today that where i am and who i am with is apart of that.

i realise now more than ever, what i want .

i want to be more free, not just with myself, but do more things with my partner.

my partner comes home every day and sits in front of the tv. every single day. it’s what he did when we were dating. its the movie he sits in front of. and i am active. i like to be out doing things. and so when this is just adding to the spread of differences, it sucks.

i have noone .

i just want out. a lot of the times i do. and i find creative spices in other areas. i chat online to people i have never met. i send songs and photos and write emails that make me feel special. that make me feel not worthy, but just.. someone that someone

 

 

 

and child wakes.

 

Mommy in a hood.

 

Will Be.

it is amazing
to think that
the rest of my life,
i will not ever forget these months
where
you and i 
spoke and wrote and typed and
were.
inside of 
are.
 
  like a sun and a flower
this bright.

  i could smother you
with affection.
oh i know i could
  i am able. 
when i listen to that song and those songs and these,
i know
  i could.
and when i feel, i felt and will feel,
oh i know i could.   

and time moves
  slower than we want it to
but
it’s us.
and embrace
this.

how we are
  now,
and
how we will be.

    oh  
what
we could do
would do
and what we

 will be. 

  oh  
what
we could do
  would do

and what we
will be. 

The Goodbyes Begin

The goodbyes begin.
My heart got heavier the closer I got to home and we pulled over twice on the way, to hold one another. The sun was rising and there was a big puddle of cloud that was being painted pink.
I am so tired and I am so drained and today I must do my sons first birthday party.
I am hiding in the living room while showers go on and footsteps happen and I don’t feel like talking to anyone today. My eyes sting and my hair is ugly and I don’t want to see anyone today.
He’s been my best friend for four years and we’ve hung out everyday for the past week. We do it to ourselves. Setting up attatchment camps and roasting care like we don’t want to think about what it will be like when we’re apart.
We created memories that I will always have rathered to do then not and when he pulled out of the driveway my heart sunk a hundred notches and I could barely make it up the porch steps.

This is what love does sometimes and it is good to think of it as a good thing. It is worthy of all my tears and heartache, my snotty nose and red eyes.. whatever it is, it can produce these feelings and that is a powerful thing.