I’ve been back here for three weeks.
Feels like both. Feels long and short.
Feels like I was just feeling all those emotions and hating leaving and wanting to stay forever there and at the same time it feels like I haven’t seen some people in months.
I’ve been in a funk since I’ve got back, haven’t been able to wrap my head around what’s happened. I know what I need to do but the hardest part is doing it. I’ve been pushing my head into letters and life back in Canada, in emails and texts and not really looking up to focus on my child and my present days here. I’m doing just enough to slide by.
I know this will end eventually. This time of me digging into my life back there. It’s not healthy and I know it.
But it is that addicting and that controlling.
It is incredibly scary to make a move of change. A lot has to change, and the road will be long and windy, and will carry more pot holes than I’ve ever rode over in all my life.
I must start it. I must.
Before my lamp goes out,
I’m thinking about making a trip back home.
I was just back there for the holidays six months ago…
And husband and I agreed we wouldn’t go in the winter again.
I was excited for the snow and chill and igloos, but bundling up a three month old ( at the time ) and worrying about keeping him warm every hour minute sure made that miss dissipate quickly.
So we won’t be going back this winter. Which means Summer would be the next Season to greet us in my country.
My dude turned nine months old yesterday which as I read, is the month that stranger anxiety peaks. My entire family is a stranger to him.
And a 12 hour flight on top of a six hour one.
I’ve done it before. Alone even too. But baby didn’t need six noisy toys to distract, baby hadn’t discovered the top of his vocal chords, baby didn’t even care about me all that much.
I think about how living here affects my marriage.
We don’t ever go out on double dates or go out just us two. We have only met and bonded with one couple over coffee when Zeek was first born. And that was because she was pregnant and wanted some info regarding our labour and delivery.
When we get into arguments, I don’t phone up a friend. I don’t go walking down the streets. Because I can’t. I have no friends and it’s a bigger deal then just to get up and go with a 6 month old.
So our arguments rarely happen. When they do, we may be quiet for a little while but we are forced to revert back to one another. We live under the same roof and he doesn’t have friends either. We just haven’t bothered to make any.
I’m a pretty social person so you wonder how I can do it.
I guess this country does a lot for me in the way that I reflect and do personal things that I otherwise wouldn’t be finding the time for.
I’ve made scrapbooks and albums and videos over the past few years.
I think a lot on when we move to Canada. Because within two years, we will.
I think about how I will change. How certain aspects of me will be highlighted. Stuff that maybe he hasn’t seen before. Like, ordering my own food. And being talkative and interacting and being dependent.
I wonder what it will do to our marriage.
I wonder about good things and bad things.
I think when we argue there, we will be able to put more space between us and that may resort to the issue taking longer to resolve. It will be a challenge.
It will be like a new relationship all over again. I am excited for it.
So I live it up here. I focus on the good this place does for us and how close we are because of it. I think we have been here for a reason and I think we have been building on that without realizing it.
I can stand tall and be proud of us because we are doing well for being so far away from all that we know…from any help I would be getting, from time away from Baby, from time with friends..
I awoke at 430am with my head launching repeated questions and thoughts of one of my lifes biggest decisons. The mind spinners that make your tummy ache alittle and your heart race a lot. The thoughts that are so powerful you dont even really have space to be angry with them for keeping you up.
Five years ago I made the decision to come to Thailand. Between now and that first decision, I also made the decision to live here. I don’t remember when it was, I don’t even know that there was a specific moment.
And so here I am laying in bed, wondering if I will regret this ten years from now.
Wondering if I will regret leaving behind all my solid friendships, taking myself out of the equations back in Canada and making one new one here. Will I wish that I would have held off? Will I tell myself that I should have let my early twenties be my drunk, silly and friendship-focused days? I feel a bit saddened and sorry, a bit lonely and worried. I feel outside of Canadian life and maybe that won’t ever really go away..
It scares me.
To think that maybe there will come a time when I will question all that I’ve done and wonder why I chose to do what I did. Maybe I will hate myself for having left people I loved, for moving away from so much laughter and happiness.
I think back to those years leading up to my departure. So much overflowing goodness in them that it forces me to question why. Maybe now that those memories are only just that, they have more of a rosey tinge than actuality. Maybe things had petered out and my friendships were dragging. Maybe it wasn’t as fun as I think it to be now. Maybe it got old.
Maybe in the end I won’t understand why, but I will just accept and believe in whatever reasoning it was back then.
I’ll probably have faith in my own self, to know that I did what was best in that time.
These thoughts continue to circle until I reach this deafening point.
I believe that things happen the way they are supposed to and if I did not meet my husband here and if i met him but did not love him enough to stay, then frankly, I couldn’t say I know a love as strong as this.
I have stayed because of love and that reason is the best conclusion I’ve ever had.
I go back home at least once every year and a half.
While there it doesn’t take long before I begin missing the lifestyle
that Thailand offers me. Often times my brain will feel on the
outside of everyones. Thailand is a big part of my life now and so it
is one more thing that people cannot relate with if they haven’t been.
Two years ago I had begun to say that I would not be able to marry or
be with someone forever if they hadn’t experienced Thailand. It’s just
too large a part of me for it to go by.
When I come back to Ontario it doesn’t take any time to adjust, but
miss begins popping up only a few weeks in.
The miss will never be as strong as my miss for Canadian life but it
still develops in its own way.
I will miss the markets and the restaurants. How so much is done
outside in the open air.
I will miss the ultimate slow pace of life. How noone seems to be in a
rush and how time doesn’t matter. ( all though this has its downsides)
The bag of mango or pineapple I can get from a street vendor at any
point during the day. Roughly 75 cents.
The food stalls and there wonderful spicy smelling dishes. The ice
coffees for 75cents as well. Even the dollar beer.
I will miss the attention I recieve because i am a white blonde.
Even though there are many days I wish I could blend in, it becomes
something I miss when away from it.
Im not sure I will miss seeing 711s every 500 feet but I will miss
their distinct smell inside and the five cent water they sell.
There are people and things that are in the same spot every night. I
will miss how I know that they will be there. I will miss seeing them.
There is something about being that familiar with a city that is not
your own. This city will never be mine but it is pleasent to have
I am okay with missing either way, (Thailand or Canada) because to
me, miss accounts for something. Miss tells me I love.
Miss provokes genuine hope and broadens my perspective. It helps me to
dive deep when I am with people that I know I will miss.
It is a reflection of who I am.
I miss that meal because I always ate it with my boyfriend.I miss the
ice coffees because it reminds me of a time period in my life where I
walked for hours around the city. Exploring. Adventuring.
I love that I miss.
Sometimes it hurts real bad,
but I will still continue to do so