Whens Day

The sight of the sky this morning was a visual that jumped on my breath and rode a few of them away.
Really.
In awe but in my living room, I stood
my insides fluttering around this rising intensity.
It flopped right out of my eyes as gloss.
And out of my mouth as grin.

Later,
my son waved energetically and blew me a kiss back
as his bus was pulling away.

That REALLY crimpled up some tears.
Oh Wednesday.

You’re so wonderful.

I Arrive Here

You do not complete me. 
I am a whole strong individual without you. If you die before me, I will still be here.

I am capable of making myself happy. I can make myself laugh, smile and cry.
I don’t need your love to feel full,
I have my own love
for me. 

And I love to dance with me.

You are not my life. I am my own.
I am beautiful standing alone. 

I do not need you in my life.

I want you.
I choose to want you.

I choose to put my time,energy and love towards you.
I am choosing to let your life be a part of mine.
I am choosing to spend my life with yours.  

I choose to love you
because now,
I am able. 

I am finally whole on my own.

The Weather Draws on Me

Rain, you fall on my noggin and sweeten my strands with your drops of affection.
Your tireless effort dawns all setting suns to mild perfection.

I am your cup of tea while you are my sweet spice of desire.
You are my mid day chill and I am your weathered flame of  fire.

I am your canvas for snow,sleet and rain,
as I stand out under you, in howls of laughter,in giggles of pain.

I let you draw on me, your drops tracking down my skin,
your elegance, your slight of hand, your magic touch within.

Call on me under any skies my clouds of wonder,
I will be out there in hail, lightening or rapid bolts of thunder.

Draw on me, I’ll stand, lay or sit
whether or not the weather is fantastic, super, beautiful or shit.

 

For you are the artist,
and I trust in you.

 

Questioning ME

How does one mess up so bad?

Why do I feel like I was oblivious in some way? That I had no idea the life that was unfolding under my feet.

And I was the one that was creating it.
Why, for the past few years, have I felt like I was floating in a time bubble. That I was unaware and simply reacting vaguely to the occurances around me. Why did I let them happen.
WHEN am I gonna grow up?

Their are steps. And I’ve been reversing from them for quite some time. Convincing myself that hey ,maybe I’m a little closer to changing then I was two weeks ago.

This is probably the biggest push. This I realize, seeing someones heart in a disturbed broken mess. Because of ME?

I want to give myself fully to someone. That hasn’t happened in two years.

Why haven’t I?

Have I been too afraid to settle? To make the decision to settle?

I found someone that I fell in a love puddle with.
And all I did was stomp ripples into it, thinking what? No, not thinking at ALL.

How can I do that to someone so precious and special and beautiful.

Where is MY heart?

What does IT want?
WHY can’t I figure it out.

A Blow Up

As I write this my eyes are of puffy glue and aching.
I got myself into a mess larger then what my heart could handle. I’ve hurt someone, I’ve broken them-the nicest person I’ve ever known. The most commited and devoted. His love reached the heavens and I busted down the door of trust. .
Because I wasn’t thinking clearly. I was all over the map and was scared no one would love me, yet he was standing right in front of me.  He was so fragile to begin with, and I remember thinking I wanted to help him. To make him happy. And I did. He stopped taking his meds because he was that stable. And then I blew it up and made the mess and the hurt and the ache and the tenderness, I created something bad and realized that he’s all I want.

My Mother Reveals

My mom texted me before I left for her party on Saturday. ‘Jen. Can you come up here.  ‘
I went up to find her in bed in pjs with her makeup and hair all done up. Laying down against the mauve of her pillow and she looked so pretty.

“If you need something to wear I have dresses in the other closet you could wear. I haven’t worn them yet”.
” Ok thanks.
And I start to leave the room.

” oh and
I’m really nervous.”
She’s wringing her hands together.

She continues on:
” Should I have a glass of wine?
Will you come up with me if I have to say a thank you speech?
Can Zeek sit with me to blow out the candles?
Do you have any wine? Will you bring it up?’

There’s frantic and panic in her voice and she looked so beautiful in fear. I felt a glimmer of sorry for her. In what she must be feeling.
And that, she can look so together, and reveal and be so vulnerable. Like she was a little girl all over again.
She let her guard down so I could walk in and see her that way.

She revealed her ability to reveal.

A New Beautiful

I never knew how many things I could do with my toes. It’s only been three weeks and I’ve opened cabinet doors, picked up everything from  scissors to power cords, even lowered the volume on the tv. It’s not because I’ve broken both my arms or because Im doing a  science project… but because I have a child to hold.
He is so much of mine .
I crack grins over everything I do and watch the contents dribble . I watch his face for hours as he makes faces I’ve never seen before. Later on I’ll catch myself with the feeling that my face is doing  something like I’ve seen on his.
I love that I can help him burp. I love that I can get him clean and  stop him from crying . That he depends on me for all these things.

It’s beautiful.