We Guess

I guess here I don my cap for the night.
Lying in bed, lying to self
“I’ll put the computer down in 22 words more”.

I guess I’ll wear all my clothes
that I wore all today
under the covers that I washed
8 hours ago.

I guess because of lazyness.

I guess here I’ll guess
because here is life and life’s all unknown
and guessing to guess is just how it goes. 

 

Different Types of Tough

There are lots of good wonderfuls about life. Negative wonderfuls that make us stronger,better people.
Sometimes those saddy wonderfuls just suck to go through. We just want to be on the other side of it where we are that stronger,better person.

There are all kinds of different tough wonderfuls.
There are the monotone lines of the stuff. That are a constant apparency in your life.

There are ones that you can shove away for a little while, distract yourself with events or other people.

The rollercoaster ones that have you up for a day and then sunk to the bottom of the ocean the next. Being on that ride for weeks? That otta make your guts feel like they’re gonna spill out of your eyes.
There are ones that have you home in bed, wanting nothing to do with life.

I’m not sure if there’s a benefit in figuring out which one you’re experiencing. I suppose I just point these out because I figured which category I was in. The rollercoaster one.
In knowing that I kind of brace myself for the stomach dropping falls. It makes the happy ride in the clouds slightly salty and disfigured but that’s part of the bracing.

It’s an emotional,mental and physically exhausting trip. I tell myself often that the journey, as sucky as it is, it’s going to be okay. I have to believe that or else staying under the ocean will seem like a very pleasant and peaceful place, the glad clouds a mere unobtainable dream.

Flurry of Days Leading up to the Largest Order

The day before was a blended mcflurry. Of smarties and m&ms, of reeses 
pieces and fudge. I never tasted any of it but I knew it was spinning. 
I knew The lid was about to come off and the contents were going to 
float.
 
The Monday prior to the big day, I had my first pelvic exam ever. I 
wasn’t grossed out or nervous but it was the first real discomfort 
that I knew would click in with the rest of labour.
 
 She says it twice because I ask her to.
” your 3 cm dilated”.
I wash myself.   i pull my clothes on slowly.
She states that I am in labour. And the words echo off the certified 
walls.
Had I felt any such labour pain or cramping? None.
 
I walked out of their with explosive options. Either wait till 
contractions became worthy of hospitilization or come in the next day 
for the oxytocin. In other words, to have the baby.
I zombied around the halls. I zombied around the home.
The doc had long ago told me that she wasn’t going to induce me if 
there were no signs of labour.  My family and I all thought I would go 
past my due date. Here I was two days till that day and I had already 
been having progressive contractions. Without knowing.
I decided that the more dilated i could get at home, the better. 
Besides, my sister hadn’t arrived yet.
I went home and called my dad in brazil. He said he’d be on the next 
possible plane out.
 
The very next day, the true mcflurry day, I woke up feeling like it was the
last one I’d be pregnant.
Everything in those 24 hours was done or said or looked at 
with the heavy frost of knowledge that I would be a mother the next 
day.   I wasn’t in any pain but I knew The doctor was right and I 
shouldn’t wait too long. I didn’t want the baby gettig bigger anyway.
It was the evening . I called the doctor up with puffs of cloudy 
questions, worried that perhaps baby was getting stressed in there . 
She advised against waiting and said to come in the following day- at 
least to check how far I’d dilated.
With that set in stone,  I began to get frantic.All the things I had 
to do before baby came. The lid on the mcflurry mix flung off and 
pieces went everywhere. I was standing at the bottom of a flight of 
stairs outside, attempting to take the last of the belly photos when i 
broke down. The world felt heavy to my eyes. I felt like a collapsable 
tent myself.  This was me shutting down.
 
But back home, for a good hour I went around the
house wide eyed and in a frenzy that noone could stop.
I was filling up soap containers, organizing my closet,
sweeping the floors and raking the lawn. Things had to feel done.
I laid in bed that night thinking it’d be the last full night of sleep 
for awhile. How right I was. I held my breath as I entered Sleepville 
that night and in the morning, I, along with all those pieces, were 
floating. Were actually floating.