My Love

I told you I hadn’t loved you in our relationship.
You deflated into a hundred and eight pieces.
I stood strong, even when you didn’t understand
because I knew that what I said,
I meant.
And this is what I told you.
” What is worse. To believe that I loved you and treated you the way that I did? Or to admit that I couldn’t have because I was treating you the way that I was. ”

I may not know what my love exactly is, but it sure as hell has nothing to do with what I put you through.

Swerving into Happy

I’m actually kind of sad right now.
Actually no.
I’m really sad.
So I’m gonna bring myself up by typing out this lovely posty for me!
for you!
for your diaper wearing toddlers and the people that surround you daily. Okay-so maybe they’re the same thing..but za point is, your happiness affects all the zones in your life!

It makes perfect sense to me! Life does. I believe it does and because I believe that and understand that I will falter in that belief occasionally, it makes it all easier.

Today I started wondering why I feel like I’m still 20. I’ve felt 20 for six years now. Whatzupwifdat.

Welp folks, my conclusion today.. it’s not that I can put on nailpolish any better-because I for the life of the cat I don’t have, can’t- it’s likely because I’m making the same darn tootin’ poor decisions!
For gorsh sakes!

I’m all for being young and pouncy and giving heart a wide berth of understanding to all ages, but some of the decisions you consistently made when you were younger shouldn’t be ones pattering up your adult years.
They have a much bigger impact and long lasting affects. And likely to more than just you.  We’re kinda supposed to be more responsible now, right?

I guess this morning I just gots to tinking of all dis and got down on myself.
But yuh know what, writing this post has been like rain to the dry flowers.
If being so postive in any ridiculous sucky life situation makes me laugh, I think I’ll do that.
As long as my learning will be.

Get It Together

You can’t give the truth to someone who is stuck in a past of your lies.
You can’t give truth to someone that won’t accept it.
If you’re asking for the persons honesty just to plow it over with distrust,disfunction and emotional abuse,

don’t ask.
The cycle won’t end.

Before you stand on all your baggage to leap off and attack the one YOU asked the truth from, get your shite together.

 

You’ll find the truth you need in THAT.

 

 

.

A Better Conclusion. For Life.

Sure, his family may think I had a guy over and had sex with him. Sure, his family may think I invited that guy to their sons’ hockey game.
Sure they may think I am a cheater, a lier, and a downright terrible person.

The idea of that family, whom I grew so close with and loved being around, disliking me and thinking things about me that are not true, is a really crappy feeling.
It turned me sick quite often last month.

But here is my healthy conclusion: 

They are seven people. And yes, they have friends/boyfriends/girlfriends/wives that will assume they know the story which adds more people to the list. Let’s say 14 altogether.

They are 14 individuals.

Out of the however many billion on this planet.

I can move forward and represent myself better and the best.
I can meet one hundred new, loving, friendly people who will get to see the best version of me I have.
I will forever be sad when I think about that family hating me, but one has to move on.I am not used to being disliked but my choices from the far past have made the assumptions alive.

So I must live with that. And be a better person who makes better choices to prevent the next 14 people, from thinking I’ve done nothing better, than cheat on their son. 

That’s my brilliant conclusion this week and it feathers my spirit to flight.

Day four of no drink. 😉

 

 

So Tell It

We’ll all talk splatter talk and figure our art is aligned with the ninety four stars we count on Sunday nights.

We’ll all understand that hurt and trial and ache is a shit part of breathing and that it doesn’t align with anything except happiness.

 

We’ll all know that happiness is what makes life worth living and without happy coinsiding with levels of pain, happy wouldn’t exist and thus, sadness is a completion of a circle and without it, life would fucking suck.

At least we’ll tell ourselves that in the bad times.
And we’ll believe it even in the good.

Because that’s what life particles are about.
Making your mind believe anything.
Because it can and it will.

Anything you tell it.