A Long Post on a Meet Up

Yesturday after you were done with your stabby’d foot, and after texting on my break, you walked into the store.
I saw you before you saw me and my heart burst a glow and my face went insta’grin.

I came up to you and we flirted words and smiled shy and it brought me immediatly back to our first weeks of dating. It was like we fell into a pool of pre history. History that was new but known and I swam in it for the rest of my shift.

YOU CHOSE TO COME SEE ME AT WORK!!
That’s big.
Three weeks ago I wouldn’t have dreamed you’ve ever choose to see me again.

And before we parted ways, I squeezed your arm and said, ” Cya tonight?”
I had asked earlier if you would mind if I brought over a chicken pot pie I was going to make.
” No, I wouldn’t mind.” you reply.

So there I am after work, quickly working on your dinner.
And an hour later I am at your place with pie in hand and I ask,
” Do you want me to stay?”
We stand for 30 seconds well I try and gauge you.
“Hasn’t stopped you before”
” Well yes, but I think I learned my lesson.”

 

You guessed it.
We sat and had a drink. We moved to the couch.
You asked if I wanted another drink.
I said, ” Just water please”
“That’s the best answer I’ve heard all night”you say happily.

We talked about everynothings.
” Do you feel different now? Like a weight or an uneasiness is gone now? With you, with us?” you question.
” Yes, I suppose. I still felt clear to myself though,before, and happy with self, but it was just suffocated under all the stuff that was loaded on top. All the assumptions and supposed occurances. So then yes, I do feel lighter.”

It was a sliver into what I feel we will talk about in greater eventuality.
A solid healthy talk that we would need before getting back together. Weeks, months.

We ate my chicken pie together and you bought a dessert for us- my favorite cookie cheesecake- ( you are a beautiful soul ) and when i called my brother for a ride in two hours, your lips went into a frown and I came to you and you said,
” I wanted you to sleep over with me.”
Overjoyment gets wrapped around my intestines and comforts my heart and brain and I hug you and then we’re kissing against the fridge and clothes are coming off and then we’re in bed and then eventually we’re wrapped around each other and our eyes are facing each other and they’re getting sleepy and we lay there getting sleepy and pretty soon we’re asleep.

I rub your back and your head in the middle of the night when I know you are having trouble sleeping.

” I feel like I’m mad at you-like you just did something wrong” you say.
I sigh.
You tell me thanks in the morning for the backscratch.
We have coffee together and you’re always a bit more distant than me but I know that I’m to be extra huggy so that you don’t feel even worse.

And you drive me home in your truck that I crashed a month ago.
And you drive slow and before pulling into my parents driveway, I unbuckle my seatbelt and get to your side and wrap my arms around you and kiss your cheek.. Long and slow and you sigh and reach for my hand.

Then I’m getting out and we’re saying ‘cya’ not ‘goodbye’ like we were a month ago.

We know we’ll see each other again. We’re still best friends.

 

 

Do People Know You Well?

“Well, that’s just the thing,” I said to myself.

“The people I have in my life right now,  well, I’ve never had friends that knew so much about me. ”

I’ve had two best friends all my life. They still ARE my best friends.It’s different now because even though they knew me really well back then, my flaws,my faults,my weaknesses, they know me better now because I know myself better.And I ADMIT to things and I will talk about them and I think that, that is how people know you better then very well.

And the post about how the people in my life don’t really know me at all. ‘( People Post) ‘ We could all say that to some degree. We don’t have 12 people in our life all at the same calibre and depth of friendship. Each one is different and along with that comes how much each of them know.

I do not feel guilty for having people in my life that don’t know all of me. That’s just the way it’s going to be. The parts, the ways, the identity they know me as, is true. Is real. Is me. And I think that’s the main thing. They don’t know a scam. A lie. I’m not a lie anymore.
Locking yourself in your head and getting upset and frustrated in something you surely are just creating yourself, is a sure way to crazy. And that’s what I meant by noone knowing who I was. If you start closing doors on yourself, start hanging out in the room of your mind for long periods of time, you’re gonna feel noone knows you because you’re the only one that has access to that part of yourself. And you’re the one that MAKES the room what it is.

So stop making yourself feel alone and alien and unknown to everyone out there. You’ve got a decent amount of control over how much people know of you. Make it you, not fake you.
‘Cause in the end, you’re only going to turn into a disapointed hermit that you wish people knew better.
And the longer you stay in your mind mansion, the more difficult it is to open doors and windows to life around you.

A New Gum

I’m awake before all the others in the house.
But outside I hear the birds and the cars exiting the village.
Even with all the blinds still closed, I know there is a world bustling out there.

I know that people change as time does its thing. I know that people can grow apart because of it. It’s one of those things that I didn’t ever think would happen to my own best friends and myself.
But who was I kidding. An entire year away from them coupled with drastic changes in all our lifes…there’s bound to be some new gum to chew in the package.

I live abroad, away from a fast-paced ride I grew up smiling on. Over the years I’ve adapted to this slow, un-hurryable lifestyle and I’m okay with that because the speedy ride in Canada is something I know I can get back on.
And because I enjoy this snail spin.

Both of my best friends have changed differently. Except for the part where it’s the same. They’ve always had a backbone. An opinion. But now they vocalize it like its the only thing worth selling in the world. They’ve got speech and conversation down pat like I used to. They’ve got bigger words that I haven’t used in years, and I feel alittle overwhelmed and lost.

I don’t have friends here that speak proper English. I have my boyfriend and that is whom I go to with it all. But  I’ve turned into more of a listener, because thats partly how him and I work. So when my friends come over-seperatly mind you, and visit me in my house here, I feel the difference.
I am being spoken at, not to. My thoughts and feelings are belittled because of the easy confidence they sway in. I’ve been aware of which happenings I put my energy towards and so far this dishevelled gum tastes like surprise and confusion.
For now, I leave my two best friends and I with a quieter woman because I have yet to swallow.