You Did

Feathered your way in,
you did. 

With your soft confusion
you drank
from my trusted hands
that felt 
you get better.

And you got better,
you did.

With my rough ability
i lied
through my own heart teeth
an arrow went
that broke it all.

 

And you got worse,
you did.

 

 

Living a Livable Life

How do we do it?

We worry and stress less.
We recognize that struggles make us stronger
and we believe in that.

Over and over again.

We understand we are changing beings,
and we strive to be better and better
all the while
cultivating our productivity in life by
loving who we are.

We stop talking badly about others.
We start our responses on positive notes.
we watch our language, our tone,
and make listening, and I mean REALLY listening,
not eyes on phone screen listening
the only way we listen.

We respect others’ space,time, circumstances, opinions
We respect that they are here
like us
but not like us at all.

We communnicate better
until we are communicating our best.

We do everything better
until we are doing it the best

and we understand we fail
and that trying is living
and we allow ourselves to fall
and we always get back up.

We always get back up.

We stop trying to rule the world,
we want less
and want to be more.

To always strive to be more
until we are the most
then we be more of most.

 

That’s how we make living
livable.

 

bugs-bunny_positiveMed

The Inbetween is Real

All kinds of struggle.
I’ve kind of labelled mine in a broad but specific sense. Because THAT makes sense.
And it will. After you finish reading.

I’m inbetween wanting to walk in front of a speeding train, and wanting things to get better.

But not.

You see?

I want things to get better but I don’t want to make the effort.
It’s like wanting to lose weight but not wanting to pass on the skor bars or double cheeseburgers. Not wanting to run uphill for 2 minutes everyday or go for a walk.

In between not wanting to try for that,
I’m inbetween wanting to try for an exit.
A solution that is quite frankly, absurd.

You don’t exit because things get tough.
But you think about it everyday.

You don’t want to explain yourself to your family,
but you can’t leave without them knowing.

You don’t want life to be like this
but it is right now. Except

you can change little particles of it.
You can,
but you don’t want to.

Because being sad is easier.
Because laying in bed with a breadknife under your sons books, is a better feeling.

Because the idea of leaving, makes things better.
It dilutes trying.
It makes trying seem more difficult and thus, makes doing nothing, more justifiable. 

 

You see?

It all makes sense.

Better

So I think I’m getting  a little tired of all these sad, mud-filled posts of mine. Sure, the internet is a garbage disposal. Not to say that all we’re expressing is garbage. Some of us have blogs just to vent out madness and sadness and hopelessness. That’s fine. Who am I to say really .

I’m just. There’s a point for me, where it’s not so much beneficial anymore.
Where I’m just latching onto the negative I’m expelling and using it as weapon towards any potential happiness.
I haven’t drank in two days. That’s a pretty good sign. And now I’m wanting to lesson the sad posts. Another good sign.

Work has been so excellent. I’m more happy than ever to go. Weird huh.

Anyhow, here’s to trying for more positive posts in the future.
Because there is always,
always,
something worth being happy about.

Even if  it’s a good makeup day.

Why We Write

Many reasons why we write.

Maybe mostly we write when we are sad. When we are bored. When we have experienced happiness. When we desire validation. Each like or comment or follow flickers our insides in some way or another. And it’s a positive. Certainly that is a type of way we do life too. We want people to like what we say and even when we do nice things, it’ll be okay if someone notices and says, “Hey, Good job”. That’s humanity.

We all have our struggles.

Some of you are going through university doing your best .Some of you are hurting in your relationship. Family disputes, bosses, fellow employees. There is usually always something we have going on in our life that’s a negative.
And sometimes we write about it.
The way I see it, negatives mean something to us or else we wouldn’t care or feel about it. Things are easy to shrug off when there are no attachments, no values, no feel for it.

We can’t really turn that off. We can possibly redirect it. But even then, we’re still going to feel bad about what makes us feel bad. Because that’s our core. That’s who we are.

Some of us are trying to figure out life. Like me.
About who we are and what we stand for. Sometimes we go through huge cliff jumping changes and we get disorientated and lost and we just want to love and be free from all our faults and poor choices of our past.
And we can understand that it is not a fast overnight change. That it will take months, if not years to fully re-position ourselves.

And sometimes that isn’t fast enough. We want to jump to that part so speaking becomes easier and better and jumping through hoops and not just screwing up,but screwing up the SAME screw up- isn’t part of your life. Because you just feel tangled. You feel foreign to life simply because you are who you want to be now, but who you were smudges the edges and brings the image of you and the idea of you, into an oddly disfigured creature. Is THAT who I am?

I’m still chained to my past. Habits break out and I hate them. I don’t want them but they happen. Addictions that I never thought were, still make there appearance even now. After how much I’ve been wanting and willing and HAVE, changed. They still exist. And it completely bops me off my rocker.

How the fook are they still there when I want nothing to do with them?
I feel better.

Hmm, maybe we all just write because it feels better.

Are Some of Your Outlets Suffering?

There’s been little time for stillity in the brain. I’ve been going and going for days now and I can feel myself trying to climb out, needing the air to breathe sense into my head.
Afterall, three weeks prior to this, I had that stillness every single day.
Somehow, in all of this whirring, I have gathered bits and pieces of moments, of people and most importatly, myself.

One of the things I have learned about myself this past week is how I have put much emphasis on writing since I knew what it felt like to do so.
I know it feels good to get it out this way but I wonder if other outlets have suffered.
It has not affected the ‘how’ I socialize, but the ‘what’. The ‘what’ I have talked about all these years.
It almost feels like an avoidance…that writing out serious matters justifies my lack of serious face to face matters. And in depth conversation makes for deeper relationships.
So have my relationships suffered as well?

Now that I am aware of this, I will attempt to talk about what I have written.
This post included.
Because this too, makes a difference.

Making Good from ‘ Bad ‘

I write differently to different people because everyone is different and people need to hear things differently or read them written that way instead of the other way and each way makes you pick up snatches that aren’t the same.
People make me figure stuff out about myself.
I only have my own self reflection here in Thailand so going to Canada and being exposed to mirrors that talk back is incredible. It makes me feel more like a person instead of a shell and it is scary to think that I may think of myself as a shell in Thailand and only that. But there is so much to feel in Canada. So much to give and so much to take and I have to stay sensible and realize that it is only because my time has been limited each and everytime I have went back,for the past four years. It affects these things so much so, that breaking down isn’t so much of a surprise. Because these are the life sized things. For me. These are the things that pinch my heart and stagger my thoughts and wind my ideas so that they go walking across the carpets on missions to unknown destinations.
That is me dealing.
There are always many tears when I say goodbye in Canada and I am always trying my best not to drown in them. Being conscious of it. It is good to feel that way even though it is hurting.
If I felt none of this, could I really sense the better in the good? If I had nothing to compare. Nothing extreme to relate it to, then the good wouldn’t be so good and the value would be non-existent.

I am Back!

So I got into one of the worst funks since 2006 that lasted four days and I can accept that.
I have been givin another chance and I intend to be the best that I can be, from here on out. I have so many plans that have piled up in my head of what I really want to do. Stuff that I finally want to make happen instead of them just being words I’ve been saying for months.
I feel renewed. Ready to start over.
Thank you for second chances.

Getting Better or Getting Better in my Lies

So that was a rough patch. I’m onto smoother grounds now and I’m not even sure how I got here. Maybe it’s the shoes I’m wearing. Or the fact that I stopped conversing with a guy friend from back home. I was Skyping with him an hour everyday. Goodbyes are tough and sometimes they trail into the other life you’re living across the world. But we cut our communication off and I suppose ever since then, I am more present.

We still do not have the life we did before. We still are not as affectionate or as playful, as loving or as cute. Even though I have seven new bras and matching panties he ordered from the UK last month, the usage has been sparce.
We both have our things to work on but I just feel that I am the one tugging us down. What runs through my head is the saying ‘ what you loved about your partner, what made you fall for them, becomes the things that bother you the most’ . It is true for me.
I admired his wealth of knowledge, how much he talked for minutes at a time without my response.I was shy and was glad he could talk.But now I find myself shutting off. One of my friends told me, ” It is hard being in a relationship with a smart person. ” Because he is. Way smarter than me. So I have been feeling like a little ant under his giant brain and it doesn’t feel very good.
Sometimes I feel unmotivated to say anything because I know he will come back with something greater, better, something that relates to something else that prooves his point and so all our conversations end up being not about me and my feelings, end up not being simple and organised, but chaotic and sad.

In these days I am weak.
And I am being better, I am trying harder. To get to somewhere good. Because I am coming into focus with the fact that I don’t really want to leave him. That just because it gets tough for me, doesn’t mean I run.
But I’m still stuck. Because I am not who he thinks I am.
I am living a lie and I’m stuck in it.
So am I really getting better? Or am I just getting better at my lies?

That vs This

“Did you bring me a prezzie?” doesn’t seem as selfish as:
“Did you bring me a present?”

When asking for junk food, it makes us feel better about eating it when we use a cute little nickname.

“Can you go grab me some chippies?”
vs
“Can you go grab me some chips?”

Money sounds like more when we use the correct word.

“That thing I bought the other day, cost me 286 dollars!”
“That thing I bought the other day, cost me 286 buckaroos!”

When we chat online, ‘Bye’ comes off much more serious than ‘Cya later’. Reguardless if we’re using an exclaimation point or not.

Slang makes things cheaper, makes us feel less awful about various munch and makes us seem like nicer people. Most times?

Just a few knicks and knacks of thoughts people.
Any more you got?