I was always able to have girlfriends if I wanted them.
I just remember them being meaner. Pickier. Gossiped a lot.
I was shy and didn’t care for that.
I kind of was a tom boy. Up until 8 years ago.
I disliked the colour pink and cried when my Mom made me wear frilly dresses to church.
Over the years I could tell I related better to the boys.
Yeah, it had the extra bonus of attention of the opposite sex, but I didn’t even think like that at the time. It really did make more sense for me to be around the ones that were more like me.
I’m not like the woman on the tv show ‘ The Bachelor’ who all the other ladies hate. No, no, no. By far not the case. I’m likable. I will say that girls have felt jealousy towards me- even my own two best friends ( who are still my best friends ( not jealous anymore though ) ) and that most of the time, I didn’t realize this was so until after the fact.
I feel more comfortable and at ease with a male.
But Not so much today. In fact, I am trying to branch out and get my feet better suited for female grounds. For I know in my next relationship I will only have female companions. That’s what I want.
So this swings back around to my desire to birth and raise a boy.
I feel like I understand them better. I’m more familiar and attuned to them.
They make more sense to me.
Having a girl actually scared me. I feel that I wouldn’t have been as good of a Mother, had I had a girl. Truly. I feel like I would have had less patience and been more mean.
Now I’ll be okay with having a girl.
I feel very very fortunate to have had the boy I so very much desired.
Thank you egg and sperm and timing and whatever else the heck makes up the sex of a child.
Well I don’t mean for my past to dissappear. More so-angry at myself for choosing the choices I did in it. The past is just there- I can’t blame it. It doesn’t even have a choice to be alive or not. We choose that.
We all know that the Past is a person that highly influences our being with Present. There’s a relationship between the two, even if we don’t want it.
You get them in the same room and it births a person called Future.
Umbilical cord,blood, crushed hands and all.
Welcome to the World my little big Future.
We’re going to do Wonders.
It is today and because I wrote down everything that went on at what time a year ago, I have been going hour by hour on what has happened so far.
In 12 minutes a year ago, I will see my doctor for the first time that day. And she will check and say ‘ yeah, you could have the baby today, we can do it today’.
And all these things make my eyes go glossy because as hard as I try and believe it has been a whole 12 months, it does not run to completion in my head.
I sit here with a party hat on and the pretty pink gown I wore when I gave birth. I made the decision today that I will always wear this gown on this day.
Many mixed feelings as I watch my son roam. I am still getting over the fact we were across the world a few days ago and so I am numb and emotional all at the same time.
Many firsts in life, but there is never more than one first of anything.
And that is what makes it so gosh darn special.
All along I didn’t have as much faith in the hospitals here in
Thailand as I did for Canada. Not necessarily skillwise but culture
wise. What’s most common. Or the fact I’m white. That they would give
me a C section to get more money from us. Or feed my baby a bottle
when I had asked them not to. I just didn’t trust them. Concerns like
these that mounted over the months.
I’m not saying I ever fully did trust the staff. But I knew I was in
good hands. It was the best hospital we could have went to in the
area. If not in all of Thailand.
Our doctor I felt, was very abrupt at the beginning. I had wanted her
to tell me what she was going to do when she asked me to go up on the
table. I wanted to know things, to be told them so I wasnt laced with
In the end I came to understand how we would work.
I’d ask the hundred questions, even if on repeat, and she would answer
then to the best of her ability.
She was great. I am happy we went with her because she made me
feel like a pro in the end. And she wasn’t getting paid extra for that.
We may never know if our little Zeek needed to spend two nights in
ICU. Maybe we could justify one, but 48 hours? Apparently he had
swallowed too much fluid. And so when I saw him for the first time he
was in the clear box with two tubes in his mouth and an IV line in his
He looked rough then but by the next day they had removed the mouth
tubes. I held him then for the first time and cried .
Our bill ended up being double what we expected at Bangkok Pattaya
Hospital… due to the ICU. Other than that the nurses were all very
helpful and nice, the recovery room was great, food wasn’t too
terrible and the doc came by to check up on us a few times .
I’m pretty sure the entire birthing staff saw my boobs from day one. But
in the need if it all, it didn’t bother me.
I had a baby to feed and dang well if I was gonna scout out a lone
feeding space while my new baby was screeching.
It’s difficult to believe that only three weeks ago today it all
I stepped into the realm of motherhood.
And I sit so comfortably in the fact that I won’t ever not be in it.