It Came to me Now

This week has been a blasted turbulence of more turbulance on top of more blasted blasts that are turbulancing terrifficaly and and and….

oh LIFE. 

What are we gonna DO with you!? 

Certainly not LIVE you. Heaven forbid! 

I thought the break up was rollercoastery. No. That’s just pure sad and mad and down in the dumps, no coming up for air until you’re forced to eat a taco salad that takes about thirty seconds to demolish because your stomach hasn’t felt anything in it cept for booze and pills and the occasional drops of water for two weeks straight.
No man, that is a stationary bike in the depths of initial fear and loss.

This here, is about as light as a ping pong ball and football shaped  so it’s bound to go everywhere you are not and at the slightest wiffle of wind.

I could sense change was coming. But I considered it to be a one time decide your fate in a day type of thing.

No, this here is you thinking your ‘ex’ are broken up for GOOD after a 5 month here and there sightage, and you being finally basically okay with it and you do your mental swipes and heart swipes and you start prepping those parts for a new journey and as you switch your view forward your ear is slammed with a phone call that is him requesting sightage.

And you are splattered like a fresh broken egg in a sizzling pan.

You are stronger then you were but strength isn’t always smart. You feel powerful but weak at the heart knees. You’ve propped yourself up to this easel of beautiful disastery and you’re continuing to brush colour onto the canvas, just as he.

You blame no one but yourself until the blame turns into a statue of rust and it suddenly doesn’t matter anymore. You’ve never felt more okay with either outcome because you have essentially done all you can and you know that everything you do in this time together, will represent what you desire. That’s all the cards you want because you’re not playing any games. You’ll Go Ex, not Go Fish.

You’re learning how to deal with the continual and familiar shit feelings. You’re making tough skin and it feels bold and refreshing. You’re gonna be the next new bag of Doritos.

Simply put,

You’re on a rollercoaster and it’s not because you can’t get off it,
because even if you could
you’re not going to fight to because you’ve finally understood that you’re right where you’re supposed to be.

 

 

 

 

 

Knowing Unfaithfulness

You’re always going to care when you find out your spouse has cheated on you. Even if you know you are ending. Even if you understand why they did it.
I put an amount of blame on me because I wasn’t there for him.The gap between us widenened as he went out in search of people that complimented him.
Noone likes to stay at home with an unhappy person all the time; they’ll look for happy people elsewhere.

And along the way, chances are you’ll meet someone you’re attracted to. And when the relationship you’re in, isn’t doing so great, you can subconsciously justify the flirts, the attention, the growing attatchment.

Unless you stop contact with that person, it is likely to escalate.
And so it has.
And there must be a reason why I’m okay with it…