Let’s Have Determined Fire

I’m tired of being a hermit. I want to live a lot more then this.
The first time being dropped by someone I care about. And that person is now located in my past. A past with a lot of screw ups and mistakes and bad choices.

The only point to living at all is if we take the past and purge it of all the bad and take what is left. All the good and fun and memories and lessons and taking THOSE, and bringing them with us into the present. Into the future.
Allow ourselves the little pricks of sadness and hurt and ache because denial is a dangerous thing. Then tell ourself and believe ourself; that we have a life ahead of us in which we need to join in on.

Mine, it’s like it’s been waiting there for me patiently. I need to catch up to it and say, ” Yo Life, I’m ready to start over!”

This may be a ruthless approach, it’s like I never loved him.
But this is more like, I must do this or I die.
Like a punch through the system.
My strong bold self, the person that was cold of all love. That could get over a breakup so easily because I was the one doing the breaking.

Now, I accept I was beaten down, I got broken up with and the past few months held the darkness of it. For some it may take years to make that darkness have any light.. but I love the sun so eventually I have to bring out the shine of it. I accept that I love him. That I love him the most I’ve ever loved anybody I’ve been with. I accept I screwed up and that I’ve learned so much from this.

I’m just tired of being a hermit and loving someone that doesn’t want to be with me.
This is my agression so that I make it far into the way that has been waiting for me.
I have to push.

 

 

 

Mental Quicksand

Convincing yourself of general happiness.

I’ve had waves of attacking life as it is, recently. By vigoursly being happy with it all. With choices and attitude; and accepting that it is like that and that it is fine like that.

The battle to change big parts of self, seems like exhaust of failed effort.
That I am not winning it.

Taking a different approach seems like a valuable idea.

Actions that are more doable are not necessarily the best of ones,I know.
But I will continue making excuses about my weak and wavering temple of mind.

Not feeling ready to change or not wanting to or because the difficulty level is at a maximum.

Is is because of my current position in life?
Am I trying to run against a current that I haven’t even been able to walk in?
Perhaps letting the current slow, or walking to a place where the white caps are more like ripples and the rocks more like mud, is the better alternative.
And going with the flow instead of against, even a better one.

Getting to a place or creating a space in mind that tells me I’m not battling, but simply living- and loving it.

Oh, how far down can one get when the struggle is only weakening the player.
Before the weakness becomes the injured. The defeated.

A lot of strength comes from pushing through. From riding those waves of uncertainty with direction and purpose. Not changing their momentum or curve, but changing the perception of position.
For if that is where ones mind is strong- in the ability to warp perception and believe in it, then boldness and unwobbled legs will manifest.

And the deepest pool is mind juice.
Where swimming in that stuff long enough does more than just wrinkle skin.

Like quicksand, the harder you flail, the more you move, the faster you sink.