Mind Fluff

I drove to just sit on a back road somewhere outside of town. Different space under my car wheels has the wheels in my head spin differently.

If its your own horn why wouldn’t you toot it?

Do you ever get overwhelmed by your childs’ spine?

What a difference between people that set down their coffee to answer the door and people who bring it with them.

What a raw, beautiful process of development. Curing with time, having the resemblance of loose unconscious patience. We can wait, because we know it will be.

Wisdom Chews

My hair smells like bacon
and my ice has turned to water.
I’m fishing in my mind for a bite,
but all I can feel is that the sun is getting hotter.

And get this,
it is night.

My pants are all getting tighter on me,
wish my grip on life was.

I’ll get out of this.

And I will not run with it,
I will walk it into it’s place.

I will run with freedom.
And I will carry nothing but
my own weight.

There are comedians,
are there life analysts that joke about the mundane and the reality of life?

Or
are those two the same things?

I’ll be fine.
I know I am.
Sometimes I create the tornado so that I can spin out of it
clear headed.
As if all the cobwebs and gunk,
spun in control
to my own spin.

And then I ballarina away
on my tippy toes.

I’m closer to the sky that way
don’tchuu know?



I Used To Think

I used to think and now I just don’t.
I used to come up with a lot of cool ideas, bring dead flies back to life with my imagination and talk to fish in my sleep.
Now I just don’t.
I used to think stars were the eggs of the future and they would hatch when they would fall from their incubator space and make humans when they landed on baseball fields.

The one thing I could think of to think of now, is the difference in the last post and this one. The title is the same. But the content is different. How easy not to think what we are thinking about what we are reading.

How easy to form an idea on the title of a post. And be completely wrong. Only because we thought it.

I used to think, but sometimes it’s easier if I don’t.

Life tells me I’m beautiful

I’m in the middle of being far away. I let the sunrises and sunsets become sightless greys and blacks and I know I’m a wreck when I don’t touch eyes with fellow shoppers. We are people that have the useless power of slumbering through our days standing up.
I drive to work and I get there and think there is nothing I noticed. There is no shape of house or height of tree that I let myself acknowledge. I just pushed air with the car, pressed pedal with foot, and got there.
I don’t need to challenge myself to point out life.
I am apart of it and my brain and heart are too and if I let sunsets and rises sink under my skin, I then become everything there is to see.
Life tells me I’m beautiful, I just need to tell it
that it is beautiful too.

What Do You REALLY Miss?

Do you miss a person?

Take that idea and hold it in your heart. Now we’re going to inspect.

Perhaps you just miss the feelings he created within you. How he or she made you feel clever, hopeful or even better as a person. Perhaps she was a creative outlet in which you were appreciated- for your wacky brain, your confidence in creating. Maybe you don’t miss him at all but all the things he provided. Safety, stability, being cared for. Even the person you were when you were with him.
It may be that you don’t really miss who she is as a person, but rather the world of what it meant to have someone there. To connect with and share with.

Really let your heart feel out on all angles, what this miss actually is for.

Next I want you to ask yourself what of that miss, you can supply on your own.
Getting into a comfortable relationship with yourself is so incredibly important but it’s often the thing we focus on the least.

Administer the value on yourself, yourself. Take moments to actually laugh at how silly you are being or how radical you know your mind is. Validate your beautiful existence yourself.  If this means making a sticker chart and rewarding each recognition with an end of the week treat? Then do so.
Fill this ‘miss’ void as much as possible. Wrap up love and give that gift to yourself  over and over again.
In the end, you’ll find you are much stronger and funner then you thought you were and whatever miss you felt for a person or a place,is less- simply because you’re able to produce the feeling of being cared for, yourself.
May I remind you too,  you don’t need someone else to make you better. If you like who you are when you are ‘better’, go be that without the crutch of someone else. 
If you can do that, your ‘better’ just got a whole lot better. 

 

 

Home of a Heart

I organize unorganized messes in the bottom of my brain.
Where parades of memory drummers
march around in circles
waiting for me to fall.

And sometimes I do
because I let myself.
Falling is sometimes the only way to feel
that something is right in life
that life is not just in the living room of my heart
but that it is the heart
and that I am here
because of it. 

 

 

 

Dangerous Change of Pace

I felt this one coming.
I saw a friend on Thursday last week- knowing I needed that interaction.

The next day I know I needed more. It’s the long weekend after all and there are weddings and my ex is attending one of them and people are doing stuff-doesn’t even have to sound fun but STUFF- and here I am on the Friday and Saturday nights in bed at 930pm with my computer and flavoured water.
So when everyone is busy and I have noone I can find,
I crumple.

I am alone in all of this and if my thoughts are around, they can go absolutely hay wire.
I question myself.

Here is what the inside of my brain has looked like the past 48 hours inbetween the dead pauses of nothingness:

‘ I just want to forget this all ever happened. I want to move on easily. I should be able to do that, I’m pretty, I’m funny, I’m a quirk. There was never any problem of finding anyone before. What if everyone is getting snatched up, and I’m going to be that single 40 year old Mom alone. And doesn’t that mean my intentions are wired all wrong. I just want to be in a healthy functioning relationship and that tweaks everything. My standards drop and anyone that is a decent candidate, I’ll go for. But that’s not how I want to be. I just want to take my time, that’s what I should be doing. Letting time pass and being stable. Well why can’t I be stable. Because I’m stuck in the past relationship. Why should I be stuck? He lied about the things that supposedly  happened. He’s been mean to me and I’ve dropped more than half of my pre existing life for him and that wasn’t enough.I can’t make him believe me anymore. He has to believe me for himself.’

And in those thoughts, anger boils in. I’m guessing this is part of the grieving process and I am timid to feel this because I know I’m pushing it to make it easier and that at the same time I want to not want to not be with him, I know I do. But:

‘ Why should I watch him continue on his life with his giant family surrounding him and supporting him while I am a hermit, feeling sorry for myself. It’s okay to be with people now. You left a lot of people but I think it’s time to find them again. If only for a boost back into the world. You’ve hesitated to do this.. ‘

because you thought, ‘ I can’t step back into those old ways with other people, it’s alright to take some time away.I  need to be happy with myself first. The way I used people before, was wrong.’

But GIRL:

‘I don’t have to go about them the same way do I. I can be upfront and tell them my intentions. I don’t have to be 20 years old again. I’m 7 years older and I won’t do it the same way. It CAN be done differently you know! ‘

I love myself and am happy with myself but I need to get out there and feel that validation. I am vulnerable and weak and I don’t see any other way. I’ve tried other ways as it is. No drinking, church, reading, exercise..
I need that healthy attention and that is perfectly normal and I shouldn’t stop myself from getting it just because I’m waiting on my ex. I need to feel better. I need to get into a better position.
And if that means putting my foot out there into familiarity with a twist, I have to do it even if I don’t want to do it. I’m still hooked on him remember? I may feel wrong for doing it because of him, but I have to do it for me.

‘ You turned away from this method because it wasnt fair to him and because you didn’t want to slip into the previous ways it was before him.’ 

‘ But… you don’t have to make it the same way!! Those people have changed too and will view the friendship differently!’

Desperative thoughts calls for measure I am unsure of. I won’t know until I try.
I need to get out of this rut big time or I’m going to sink in it.

 

 

 

 

 

And then the boat of my brain thinks….

 

 

‘ What if I got back together with my ex in Thailand?? ‘

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Oh faackaloo.

 

 

 

 

My Thoughts, They’re Gone!

I come home from a day of post idea after post ideas that continued to litter my brain floor  throughout the hours of the sunlight and when I sit down to write with tea, pyjamas and cozy wrapped around, I cannot find them. They are gone. As if a swifter or one of those automatic alien vacuumn machines buzzed around and sucked them up.
What’s that all about Braino!?

 

The Drive Behind Living

We all want to stay young in mind and body and heart.
Except for those seven wazoos out there who dream at night of rocking back and forth on a creaking wooden chair in the wee hours of the morning with china tea cups and a mouthful of gums.

For the mind:
Keep up with technology.
Yeah. You may dislike it, find no need for it. But it’s probably just because you don’t understand it. Often times we shy away from things we do not understand.
But get your butt out there and learn the ways of todays communication system. You don’t have to be an avid user, but learn the basics and go from there. You’ll find yourself being less harsh to youngsters and others will find you more approachable. They just will. People can sense that kind of stuff.
Also for the mind, there’s all kinds of brain books, websites, instruments, problem solving type of deals. Make it a thing to do one a day. Keep your brain active.

Exercise is quite the obvious when it comes to the body. I won’t get much into that besides saying the following:
If you find walking or biking boring, create your own movement. Kite flying? Sure! Playing the trumpet and marching around your living room? Yes!

I save the heart for last because it’s my favourite.
And because I just figured it out the other day. And probably because its really the reason for this post.

Any of the young 65,70 year olds I’ve met. Are confident. Hilarious. WITH it. They can joke about themselves. They didn’t try and resist the parts of aging that they couldn’t stop. Wrinkles,bad hips, knees.. etc. They have aura of self around them and they’re exerting that effortlessly.

I just think I’m always going to be young in my heart because I’m not embarressed anymore of my faults. I’ve taken who I’ve created-after assessing and accepting- and grabbed on. I ain’t letting meself go, I am merely going to add more beautiful colours and strength to me and I’m going to do my darndest to keep up with the place I’m living in and all humanity I’m surrounded by.
That’s a good chunk of life right there and what better choice to make than to be open to learning and to be friends with everything, including best friends with yourself.
Because if you’re friends with self, you’re gonna wanna live a lot longer with you.
And the drive behind living is incredibly powerful.

 

 

 

Love yourself.