Breaking hearts never gets easier.
And that’s a good thing.
If this is the process of a heart opening up to love,
feeling just got an infinate times more tender.
My sensitive guts, oh come on now!
I feel broked open!
Airing out my heart has never happened
it’s the only thing on the line
blowing in the wind and those dusts and specks, yeah! They blast into my blood line and stream through me like they know they ain’t supposed to be there
and it brings me to my knees, oh like heckaloo it does.
I’m bending out of a tree and I just want to feel limp
to not feel the split open of my heart
all the strings and power and muscle exposed
just hurting aching longing
Lake Heart Ache.
what a fricken real life thing .
I have never actually felt that with anyone else before.
Like he could see inside my soul.
I’ve had good guy friends. Ones that knew me very well. Spending so much time with me and seeing me in all sorts of settings. Drunk, posh, social outings, new experiences, new people. There was a group of us, that got really close.
I never dated them. Sure we had connections and even intimate moments. ( I used to be such a flirtatious hugger ) But we never crossed the lines to being in a relationship. I didn’t think of them as a guy I would date. Because they were my best friends. And I never dated a best friend before. There WAS such a thing as a friend zone for me. Even though I denied it for years.
Me and my recent ex, we’d known of one another for 12 years and dated after a few months of one on one hang outs and it wasn’t until 6 or so months in that I realized he was my best friend. He knew SO MUCH bad about me. He knew me and still wanted to love on me. Still wanted to kiss me.
He still is my best friend. He’s the first boyfriend I ever dated that turned into my best friend. I want to marry my best friend.
And to me, he’s the one.
He’s the one I want to spend my life with.
Not just because he loves me regardless of how much I hurt him,
but because for the first time in my life, I see all of someones faults and I look ahead 10 years ( because I know what it’s like to be married ) and even though I can see those faults in 10 years, I have the love that withstands them.
I have the power, the tools, the mindset to love through them. To love unconditionally.
this is harder than I thought.
I’m gulping in air-tears trying to keep them from popping out of my eye balls and my heart is about as heavy as an empty aircraft and full as a buffalo who’s eaten 10 heaping plates of macaroni and 12 bowls of chocolate mousse cake and 284 bugs all in 2 minutes. And I mean the BIG bugs.
I must maintain positivity. I must.
This is so difficult.
Looking at my phone still, knowing the texts will not happen anymore after today.
The miss is setting in harder than it has in the past two months.
This will not be good. This will not be good…
But it will be good.
Because I will make it that way.
I can choose to.
And I choose to.
I’ve had a little bit of an emotional breakthrough.
My heart after 27 years, has felt a new frickin thing.
It’s called love.
Okay. So I love my child.
But loving a man ( not a boy ), my age ( not 24 years younger ), is a really really cool, large, deal.
Okay. So I thought I loved my husband.
That to me, is now in my books labelled as ‘in love’.
And you know what?
There’s a gigantic difference in that book of mine.
I will likely write about that differance in a seperate poast. Wow. I just wrote post as poast.
My heart has been in heaves the past two days.
I drove to work yesterday breathing as fast as a hyena who’s run 14 k.
So much so that I started getting lightheaded and the windows fogged up. The defrost was on full blost too.
Here I am knowing I’m about to launch a spray of my brainworks,heartworks- and whatever other works I’ve got in the unknown makings-by me, at you guys.
The next few posts may be of a repetitive nature, but hey- sometimes we become consumed in soaking in our feelings.
And that’s not too bad of a thing.
Specially when it’s kinda gotta sorta um,
really is to do
with the real thing
I think I’ve become clingy. And I never was before.
I see myself now, as a controlled clinger. I won’t text a lot, asking what’s up or why you took four hours to respond to a wondering about the weekend. I will understand when I’ve gone too far with quesions and I have the ability to back off.
But as with anything new happening, I have to ask myself why. Why am I like this now?
I seem to have more suspscious thoughts. None that I act on of course, and ones that I shrug off.
I am being abit more paranoid than I ever was. And it is with people I am not even in serious relationships with.
I stepped out of a five year relationship and I can taste my vulnerability in my bowl of Cheerios.
I want confirmation. I want affectionate texts and touches. I want to feel cared for. I know I am reaching for that every day. It is what makes me feel safe and secure right now. Even if it is only temporary.
Oh heck if I know.