I melted this morning. Down. Right onto the carpet of the room my sister used to sleep in.
My 10 month old son stared at me, as snot came out of my eyes and dripped down my face and I just let it out and out and out and I don’t even know where it all came from. But I broke. Down. In the room my brothers and I made blanket swings in when we were children.
I am sitting on the front lawn on top of the hill in the chair my mother sat in only two days ago, beside my sucidal younger brother. She sat.
It’s where I sit, alone. And my heart still beats fast and it is 1130 in the morning and I have had 4 cups already and eaten nothing. I handed son to mom and said I need you to take him. And in these minutes out here I’ve somehow mashed something altogether so that it resembes something of a reason. As to my down.
My father left yesterday and I don’t know when I will see him next. We cried as we hugged and I said I loved him more than I ever did before.
My younger brother has left too. Back to university. Now that he has gone my mother tells me he had told her ‘ you’re gonna lose me, you’re all gonna lose me if you aren’t there,aren’t around’. And I don’t believe him at first. I scoff at the idea. And then it sinks in deeper because it actually has weight.
I have been going and going with son and me and I have been preparing bottles and feeding and conversing and carseat switching and walking with father and swinging baby and having food outside at sisters, at fast food at restaurants and it is all me. Because I know baby best and I’m supposed to and rest of family stands back and watches while I try my best to settle and comfort and make good. I am not used to this and I miss my husband.
It bothers me that my mom talks to me about the rest of the kids. It bothers me that we are not an open family and that my younger brother will not say the same things he does to mom, to dad. It bothers me that I feel heavy and bloated and that all my mom can talk about is the wedding of my cousin this upcoming saturday. I am shaking and determined not to eat much of anything the next few days.
It bothers me that best guy friend isn’t around as much because of new girl. New girl I like and have known since grade 10. But I feel alone. I am so sensitive right now and I don’t like it. I don’t want to care that noone is texting me back and I don’t want to feel that I should have plans chalked up for the whole week. I don’t want to care what others think about my care for baby. My mother will say everything about it to my sister. And I hate that I know it will happen and that I will hardly hear much of it. I don’t like caring about so much. So I will try not too. Once my hands have stopped shaking and once I’ve downed another coffee. Because I can’t stop right now. I know I should, but I’m not going to. I will absorb this negative space I am in and I will take a break from baby today, because I am fortunate to be able to, and then I will move on. Rubbing positive lotion between my hands, putting make-up on, wearing nice clothes,doing my hair. I will step out and up. With good energy because I do have control over it. I will step up.
In 2010 my brain was collecting like crazy. I was doing some university courses, one of them on Thai Language. I was so involved. I remember learning the Thai alphabet in the food court of an old mall with flashcards ( more like flashpaper ) I had printed off, with an ice coffee beside me and crumbs from a jelly donut. It’s amazing the results when your brain is actually turned on. I had a Thai friend who helped me with the pronunciation. I was also running daily and eating only a noodle a day. I felt incredibly healthy ( no kidding eh, a noodle?! ) and young and probably the slimmest I had been since I had been out of highschool.
Fast forward three years and here you have a woman who has forgotten some, if not all of the Thai alphabet and says the wrong word for boy in Thai.
Last night while walking around the village, a Thai man asked if my baby was my brother or sister. ( in english ) I thought he just meant boy or girl so I responded in Thai ‘pee chai’.
‘La?’ he exclaimed, looking at my son. Which is ‘really?’ in Thai.
It was only after he walked away that I realised I had just told him Zeek was my older brother. I meant to say ‘ poo chai’, not ‘pee’. And I also thought, maybe he didn’t realise it was actually MY baby.
Anyways, that got me thinking.
That maybe I refrain from going out and interacting and being social these days for more than just the reason of having a child.
Because I am embarrassed at the lack of Thai I know.
Because my brain has been turned off and I have placed myself outside of all things Thai, that all the Thai I ever did know is mixed up and muddled in my head and so that when someone asks me if my son is my brother or sister and i think they’re asking boy or girl, i respond with ‘ my older brother’..
I know a lot of Thai. I used to know more. And I haven’t been having conversations or really putting my brain into high gear to remember and to listen and to catch certain phrases. I’m letting it all slide by. And this all probably stems to the fact that I know we will be moving in less than two years. My brain is half way in Canada already and it’s like I’ve given up learning anything more about this culture. Which is sad in a way. Sure we won’t ever be living here again, but- it doesn’t hurt to learn for the present.
I doubt I’ll make the come back. I am too focused on the human being I am raising in this world. Which is okay with me. There is just more understanding to the reasoning why I haven’t been out there utilizing my Thai.