It is a Big Day

Well I’m not drunk this time.
But I’ve got some big news to share.

My three year old son meets his biological father for the first time today. As of right now, there are no memories attatched to this man. Z has no recollection, no idea that he was made because of two people in love in another country.

Yes, he was there when my son was born. We stayed together for a year or two after.
But those spaces in the brain,
that is not what son remembers.

So after a year and three months they shall meet at my parents log house and I shall stand by and watch very closely. Every tidbit of strength and understanding coming to the platform. Perhaps I will see similarities that I never knew of before. I am proud and excited to show him my dedication and devotion of over a year, in the creating of this boy that is our son.

May the papers over this little boys head, go smooth and easy.
Let us be adults.
Good ones.

 

A Country Break Up

I think I thought I would miss Thailand more than I do.
I do ride on waves and big wind gusts of the stuff sometimes. But it isn’t very frequent at all. And it’s easy to get off of them.

Since moving back to Canada in September of 2014, I have been conscious-and still am- when it comes to Asian stuffs. ┬áI refuse to have any contact in any form with Thai friends. I don’t let myself scroll through there Facebook pages or Instagram accounts. When I see Asians out in public I do find myself staring and feeling a deep connection. But that is really all I allow myself. Partly because I cannot control the sight of them, and partly because running in the opposite direction just doesn’t seem like a good thing to do.
I’ve found that it spills out an over abundance of connection to the country and memories and feelings that I consider to be ┬áinterference’s.

It’s kind of like a break-up. Emotional connections don’t just ‘zip’,’zilch’ out of your life. It takes time. You’ll still see things or hear music that reminds you of them, and that’s part of the whole process. The duration of it depends on the person.

Thailand will always be a part of my life. I had my son there and he’s a quarter Asian, for goodness sake. I am not against the country or it’s people but by cutting out as much contact with it, it has helped me lesson the emotional attachment I had pertaining to that part of my life. Coming to the understanding that I do not miss it because I have not made a place for that miss to build, is a reassuring, refreshing analysis in my life.
I am capable of doing that with other categories. I can avoid the dangerous, tempting spots. I just make a conscious effort and ‘voila’, time gets it.
Time will always get it.

The Amount of Words

I’ve wrote as much as I have in one week as I have in one month.

I think that sentence makes sense. Oh, but of course it does. Because “Everything Makes Sense“.

It’s 11:16 on a Saturday of a long weekend, the first weekend in August, the first DAY in August and I’m drink. I mean drank. ARGH. I mean DRUNK.

Many personalities to be when we’re all online.
Are we really portraying us when we type?

Figure it Out.

How To Do Life

I don’t feel I am a very sympathetic person.
I call it Life.
And the answer…?
to deal.

To deal accordenly, appropriately.

That is likely thought of differently by different people in the same situation, but it still carries some fundelmentals.

We are going to get stressed and scared. We are going to have ‘noone to talk to’. We are going to feel that we have no space in our brain or our hearts; that we are a flopped mess with no direction. There will be times we will feel so down and upset with ourselves that the only way to walk through the grocery store is zombie style. But how we deal with all of those emotions, how we initially react and our long term feelings on the issues, are choices that we can control. That we can improve.
And when we are better at dealing with life, we are a better person.
And when we are a better person, we have a better life.

Are Some of Your Outlets Suffering?

There’s been little time for stillity in the brain. I’ve been going and going for days now and I can feel myself trying to climb out, needing the air to breathe sense into my head.
Afterall, three weeks prior to this, I had that stillness every single day.
Somehow, in all of this whirring, I have gathered bits and pieces of moments, of people and most importatly, myself.

One of the things I have learned about myself this past week is how I have put much emphasis on writing since I knew what it felt like to do so.
I know it feels good to get it out this way but I wonder if other outlets have suffered.
It has not affected the ‘how’ I socialize, but the ‘what’. The ‘what’ I have talked about all these years.
It almost feels like an avoidance…that writing out serious matters justifies my lack of serious face to face matters. And in depth conversation makes for deeper relationships.
So have my relationships suffered as well?

Now that I am aware of this, I will attempt to talk about what I have written.
This post included.
Because this too, makes a difference.

Slimming Down for Canada

Each time before I go back to Canada, I basically stop eating and dance and do ab work.
It’s not a lifestyle thing I do. Which I know, eating healthy is supposed to be.
Each time I am continually amazed at how small I end up being.
And Canada is my basic motivation.
I know I’ll over indulge in all the eats I didn’t have here.
But this time I had better watch it. I’m not leaving the place after two months.
I will be living there.
And I don’t think I’ll really feel that I am, until two months has passed.
When the novelty of a visit, has worn off.
And what then my dear friends? What then.

Country Relationship

In three weeks I will be on a plane, moving towards my country. My beloved love.
That’s like family. I can’t ever not be Canadian. Maybe the relationship gets sore or aches, because of distance or because I decided to oppose the government and get arrested.
Maybe one day I get angry and kick a plant beyond repair.
But Canada is still mine.
It’s gonna keep loving me,being a part of me, no matter what I do.