9 Years Old

Nine years ago today, I created this blog.
It would only be two months after, I found out I was pregnant.
So This blog Is like my child’s age.
nurtered, fought with and discouraged And encouraged and inspired and up and down and I can’t imagine ever letting go of this blog just like I can’t with my son.

What a journey.

Rebound

I am completely aware that I could be in the rebound stage.
After six years of being with someone… and then having the comfortable doors of Canada open?

A guy friend of mine got married 2 weeks ago.
He’s scared. I feel it in his hug.
To let go of the single life, is something to fear.

To walk back into it?
That’s something to fear too

but it is damn exciting.

Why The People in Our Life

Do you ever wonder why the people that are in your life, are there?

Sometimes it is just because we see them everyday. We work with them, we go to school with them, we ride the same bus as them.

But why do we make relations with the one that we do?
What at home, drives us to seek and attatch ourselves to those people?

Are we lacking attention from our boyfriend? Are we going through a rough time that makes us vulnerable? Do we just need someone to listen to us for a week?
Are we using them to fill a void of ours?

Why are we in THEIR life?
What do we fufill.
If we didn’t have this issue in our life, would we continue to talk to them?
Are we selfish in our desire to keep them around because they make us feel good?

Are the levels of both sides, being met? Or does someone want more.

Would it really be greater if all this were known?

Wants,Needs and Relationships

I look back at the men I have liked in my life and I see resemblances and similarities.
I think we all have types but sometimes they are broad enough to be categorized into a non existent file.
It is a file in itself and today I pulled mine out.
Some men I have been with are much more similar than others. The dynamic is a bit different in each relationship. But this is what I’ve noticed.
There is a very creative type I enjoy.
I have only come across or recognized it in two men.
And the first relationship didn’t end because we wanted it to. It just did.
I enjoy creative minds. Men that will act on stage, will make funny faces and do projects, just because.
I am attracted to this type because I see it in myself. I am shy in a lot of ways but I know I am able to unshell if I am with a person that is already out of theirs. And to be out, is a confidence.

In almost all of my relationships,the guy has started to like me more than I like him.
I end up getting the pants in the relationship up past my knees before I realize I’m wearing them. And I’d rather us both wear them.

I start out pretty dominant.
I have confidence in who I am and I already know they will like me before they tell me. I know how to be in order for that to happen.

I know they will find me interesting and exciting. All the little quirks about me that are mentioned in each friendship or relationship I enter..they are points I focus on now because I know the value people have for them.

I used to be more pure. More innocent. I didn’t recognize my difference.
Now that I have,I use it.
It still is a huge part of who I am, but I feel I have enhanced it, and maybe not so naturally.
But maybe it is naturally.
Maybe this is growing and collecting confidence.

I have dated men that I turn silly.
Serious five years older than I, silly.
I bring youth, I get excited about small things. And they latch on.

And lastly, I find myself in a relationship where I respect and admire more than I ever have before. I am proud and look up to him just as I do my father.
I have not ever been much of a responsible person. I get my mother to pay my cellphone bill, I get dad to fix the broken wheel on my bike, I lose my phone and I use my sisters.
I have been spoiled in life.

And my life now, is an indirect correlation to that fact.
It is not until I found him and have lived with him for years that I understand fully, why I need someone like him. It is not fully, until we have a child together.
It makes a difference that we are in his country though and it has come to a point where I am desperate for independence.
I wait.
But it gets difficult.

I understand now that I need someone to do bills and medicals and buy plugs and run errands. Someone that doesn’t complain if the dishes overflow or if a trail of ants is leading from the front door up the stairs.
I am lazy.
And he is too.
But when he needs to get something done. He will do it.

I need someone that is responsible for me too.

Each relationship we get into is a reflection on where we are at in life.
Sometimes we know that the one we are with at age twenty one is the one we want to be with at thirty six.

But along with wants, there are needs.
I haven’t figured out the exact place where each should go but I know they are both important to have and to fulfill.
I have most of the needs covered but I am not as happy as I know I could be if all my wants were too.
I am a realistic person and I understand that I cannot have everything. If I thought that, I would have left Thailand two years ago.
But I see the damage that can occur when a long time want enlists itself as a need.

I like balance in life.
My needs are being taken care of.
I am happy for that.
But there is a portion of happiness I miss. That creative fun going energized happy.

I am aware I can create it. But it is the first time in my life I am doing it alone.
And it is because when I was twenty one, I fell in love with a man who could fulfill my foreseen 25 year old and older, needs.
It was important enough to me that my wants dissolved and now at twenty five when all my needs are met, the wants come raging full force.

It is a far different relationship I’ve ever been in.
Our relationship will change when we move to Canada. And I am very interested in how.
I will become busy outside of the house.

As for now, I find my wants of creativity are being fufilled outside of the home.
I have found it in the second most creative person I have met in my life.
It is one of the social pieces I crave.
But sometimes I wonder, if it is becoming a need.

Plummeting

My marriage is failing.
It is crumbling and it is not because of him, it is not because of us, it is because of me.
I am the most lost I have been in 10 years and I am drinking everyday and I want to go back to Canada and I am not putting effort into living in Thailand because I’m already gone.

My situation is threatening everything I am coming in contact with .
Since having my son one year ago, it is the longest I have went without contacting my family.
I have no desire to.

It is ugly amazing. How much one can have. A loving faithful husband. Money to get massages and facials and pedicures. A pool to swim in everyday. A maid to come clean house every other day. A happy healthy child.

I am not happy with myself and I don’t know even want to get out of it. I have slumped into this lazy haul and I am directing negative into the people I love.
Into myself.
I don’t even want to try and be happy.

The Goodbyes Begin

The goodbyes begin.
My heart got heavier the closer I got to home and we pulled over twice on the way, to hold one another. The sun was rising and there was a big puddle of cloud that was being painted pink.
I am so tired and I am so drained and today I must do my sons first birthday party.
I am hiding in the living room while showers go on and footsteps happen and I don’t feel like talking to anyone today. My eyes sting and my hair is ugly and I don’t want to see anyone today.
He’s been my best friend for four years and we’ve hung out everyday for the past week. We do it to ourselves. Setting up attatchment camps and roasting care like we don’t want to think about what it will be like when we’re apart.
We created memories that I will always have rathered to do then not and when he pulled out of the driveway my heart sunk a hundred notches and I could barely make it up the porch steps.

This is what love does sometimes and it is good to think of it as a good thing. It is worthy of all my tears and heartache, my snotty nose and red eyes.. whatever it is, it can produce these feelings and that is a powerful thing.

New Baby and the Caretaker

I had a baby three months ago and since I live abroad, we took a trip back to my homeland for the holidays.

My sister,parents and my best friend had already met the lil gaffer so it was my other two brothers and the rest of friends and family that were introduced to him.
It’s my first child, the first grand baby and I’m certain my brothers had not been around a baby that size in ever.

I came to a few conclusions that trip.
Information to use if i ever have grand babies.. or even if im going to babysit someone else’s child. .

Basically.
Watch the mother.
I have only been with my baby every day for the past three months, and sure, sometimes it still takes awhile for me to figure out why he’s upset but generally I know what’s going on with him.

So as a grandmother, watching how your child is with theirs, is quite a clear indication of how you should be with baby.

If Mom holds the baby upright and walks around, and baby is quiet, so should you do the same.
If baby is content without being spoken to, maybe a bunch of babble isn’t a good idea.
I understand that by being the mother, baby has a certain attachment to her and if it works for mom it doesn’t necessarily mean it will work for grandma. But it still doesn’t mean you do opposite, you do completely different from her.

It just confused me is all. Watching my mother try things that I knew zeek was not going to like. If she just had watched me with him for a few days, she would know he likes to be carried a certain way and she would notice that I talk to him most in the morning and not so much later on, when I know he’s getting tired.

Saying all this, I also realize that Grandmom has raised four of her own and what worked for us, is probably what she’s trying out on Zeek. It makes sense but we all know each baby is different.

So if ever you find yourself in a situation with the title ‘ newest grandmother or father, cousin or aunt ‘ or just someone whose friend had a baby… Watch how your daughter, sister or friend is with their infant. What do they do to try and calm them?
How do they hold baby? What mood is baby in when mom is doing that?