To hold my head
under water running,
to teach me that to strain against flow
is the watered down epitome
of self destruct.
Self sabotage.
Self infliction.
To hold my head
under water running,
to teach me that to strain against flow
is the watered down epitome
of self destruct.
Self sabotage.
Self infliction.
I used to surrender to the power of the love for other people, instead of loving myself.
My relationships not lasting because I had no internal peace. Nobody was ever going to be enough in my eyes because I consistently and constantly required more then what any human could give. Internal peace. I am not good for anyone if i am not good for self . If I am my own toxic habit, I will only spill that on the jeans of my partner and no matter how many times you wash, that stain doesn’t come out.
Oh yes, I know the brittle and crucial attacks on my mind. The change and growth. The learning and the formation of new wiring in place. I have reached great depths. My health, the pull only I can give me. Combine the two, and I am no longer battling myself.
Do you ever think back to a time period with someone and can’t remember who you really were?
A few years spent together with a person and you can’t bring your imagination to recreate how you were, how you felt.
Thoughts like these make me wonder me.
If I’m to change so drastically again- as perhaps is a continual cycle- then I and the people in my life will either have to adapt together on this or be left in the past.
Present me knows that whoever I end up choosing to spend my entire life with, has to know that the Future me could potentially forget who I was. That Present me will change.
So it is important that the Present Other knows my heart and my core – and loves THOSE parts of me. Not the ones that will change so extremely.
I am not on good behaviour. I AM it. I am not dieting with happiness. I AM it.
I have good disposition and awareness, the desire to be in a positive ball of change.
I’ll roll and I’ll roll and if I wipe out-because I often do- I have made it the habit to pick myself up and dust off the drips from my eyes, pat my bruises and smirk a little.
I have made it automatic to have Pride walk in and hug me after each time I get up.
And thats Motivation being cool and taking my hand. Which keeps me being the ball of positive and bouncing back up and off of walls.
This is not behaving good or feeling tremendous or hoping for the best.
It is BEING good. BEING tremendous. BEING the best.
Being isn’t tempermental.
It’s a life long habit of wonderful wonderful things you get to choose.
Do being right.
You can’t go wrong.
March 11 2016
In 4 seconds or less I see everything. The doors are open and there are 3 other men moving around and I see the big white truck out the kitchen window with a ramp up to it and items, and lamps and mattress and desk and I think inside ‘ she’s not actually.. is this what this actually is??’ and then Aunt Dawn comes down the stairs with her arms full of bags and I ask ” Is she moving out?”
Change is on the menu.
I just need to order it.
Not just for an appetizer.
For all courses.
For the course of my life.
If anything. I need to be the chef in the kitchen:
making the change.
But similiar to food, I have never excelled in cooking.
So its a learnin as we go experience. Trial and error.
I feel there is an ingredient I rarely have used in my life.
It comes in a glass bottle and it is called Truth.
I have known for awhile, in the back of my head, that it would crash.
That at one point, life would just fold in on itself.
And I would deal with it then.
That’s what I told myself.
Hurt has now got the strength and has shaped and it’s formed and.. it’s in me. It’s what I have begun to feel. I don’t get hurt often. I really don’t.
But I feel that this is the beginning of the toughest thing I go through.
This will be one of the biggest changes in my life. Coming to terms with things will take awhile.
It’s not like anyone has died,
but a part of me has to. I have to kill parts of me, in order for me to live. And to love.
To love completely.
We have to make sure we are not holding onto negative balloons or walking a negative tight rope. We have to make sure we are not baking negative cookies or bread or concocting negative smoothies that bubble when you sip them.
A lot in life, has to do not only with your awareness, but how you deal.
We live in the same space as thousands of others. We will cross over the same streets and drive over the same bridges. We will see people we will only see once. We will see people that we will marry, we will see happy and sad, stress and glee.
Everyone’s got their own separate story.
And you aren’t going to know about it, just that it exists.
People are going to cut in front of you, they are going to be moody when handing you your drink, they are going to laugh when you trip and not always smile even when you do.
Sometimes grandparents may have just passed, or dogs may have been hit, maybe nothing at all has really happened in their life to make them the miserable they appear to be. Since you are not going to know, you have to treat them as if something has.
It’s not easy.
But it does get easier.
Sometimes you will be in that funk of negative and you will need smiles and generosity to bring you out.
So remember that when someone doesn’t hold the door open for you or slams your change into your hands. Remember that when someone bumps into you and doesn’t apologize or when someone you work with is rude to you.
It will happen.
Just know how to deal with it.
The last three visits I have made to Canada, have been for two months at a time.
Going into it my brain and heart know this. Going through it, my brain and heart know this.
Even though I absorb and seem to mesh into Ontario life quite easily, it is more what it appears like and not what it is.
Since I already know this is temporary, the impact is greater and longer lasting. Conversations are always so much better after I’ve been away. Clicks in my head happen at the slightest things. At things like understanding my rapid mumbles. I am impressed with people and their ability to pick up on feelings and senses. I am humbled by human nature and somedays, it even brings me to tears.
I won’t even have grasped the entirity of my stay- my confrontations and conversations- before I go back.. and knowing this, is just another of those alterations.
I always was a bit shy with my eyes but.. I was better at speaking. I knew where I was going with my sentences and I didn’t feel like the world was spinning backwards and I had to run to keep on top.
And now, when it comes to interaction, there is more that I feel.
And that always makes me feel connected…
and distracted.
So when I’m at an event full of people I haven’t seen in years, there are obligations and conversations that act as magnets and some that lack concentration. I am all over the map as I tighten up my hair elastics and hop right into their train of thought and go. Two miles later while it is still moving, I am getting out. And in that three minute train ride I’ve calculated my insecurities and outwitted my doubts, I’ve surprised myself with my bold and confident form, and I’ve seen someone else that I need to talk to.
So I hop on the next train.
I wasn’t kidding when I said I was all over the map.
When it is all said and done, whether it be weddings, a pub or a funeral party, a downtown group I know well.. I end up reeling in goodness. And also in bad.
It matters that people make effort. It matters that they drive 20 minutes to see me. It matters that they pick me up on ten minute notice and drive me to get a Greek salad without olives.
Being outside of this country has given me new appreciation for friendships and has helped me self reflect in a lot of ways.
Even though I value effort, I know I love certain people by the way that I will go to them.
Every single time.
And it circles back to the fact that I know I am only here visiting. I can do this much now, because in two months time I will be away from the opportunity.
I will not have unloyal or disrespecting friends. I will not have friends that ignore me.
Each new time these two month visits are over, a slew of Facebook friends are deleted.
It doesn’t take a life in another country and then the reentry, to figure out that some people just aren’t wanted in my life anymore..
but that’s the way it happens for me.
And that is where the bad comes in.
It is likely considered dissapointment.
In which; I feel sad when someone I thought would, doesn’t.
I get cocooned and it becomes interesting when I turn it inside out and have the fuzzy touching me.
Because I too, am capable of effort.
I too, can make the approach and dismiss the current car I am in.
If I value that person enough, why shouldn’t I.
I take this fuzzyness and accept how I don’t care to wrap it around people that I used to.
When it comes to people in my life, the selection becomes something I am more selective about. Life is busier and time is more valuable so the people I want to be with, had darn well better be special.