Internal Peace

I used to surrender to the power of the love for other people, instead of loving myself.
My relationships not lasting because I had no internal peace. Nobody was ever going to be enough in my eyes because I consistently and constantly required more then what any human could give. Internal peace. I am not good for anyone if i am not good for self . If I am my own toxic habit, I will only spill that on the jeans of my partner and no matter how many times you wash, that stain doesn’t come out.

To Love the Center

Do you ever think back to a time period with someone and can’t remember who you really were?

A few years spent together with a person and you can’t bring your imagination to recreate how you were, how you felt.

Thoughts like these make me wonder me.

If I’m to change so drastically again- as perhaps is a continual cycle- then I and the people in my life will either have to adapt together on this or be left in the past.

Present me knows that whoever I end up choosing to spend my entire life with, has to know that the Future me could potentially forget who I was. That Present me will change.
So it is important that the Present Other knows my heart and my core – and loves THOSE parts of me. Not the ones that will change so extremely.

 

Make Being a Habit

I am not on good behaviour. I AM it. I am not dieting with happiness. I AM it.
I have good disposition and awareness, the desire to be in a positive ball of change.
I’ll roll and I’ll roll and if I wipe out-because I often do- I have made it the habit to pick myself up and dust off the drips from my eyes,  pat my bruises and smirk a little.

I have made it automatic to have Pride walk in and hug me after each time I get up.
And thats Motivation being cool and taking my hand. Which keeps me being the ball of positive and bouncing back up and off of walls.
This is not behaving good or feeling tremendous or hoping for the best.
It is BEING good. BEING tremendous. BEING the best.

Being isn’t tempermental.
It’s a life long habit of wonderful wonderful things you get to choose.

 

Do being right.

 
You can’t go wrong.

 

The Day My Mother Left

March 11 2016

I walked up the basement stairs about 830am and could feel the chill in the air already.  I opened the basement door and came face to face with a touque wearing, flurescent vested, glove wearing man.

” Can I use the washroom? Where abouts is it?”

In 4 seconds or less I see everything. The doors are open and there are 3 other men moving around and I see the big white truck out the kitchen window with a ramp up to it and items, and lamps and mattress and desk and I think inside ‘ she’s not actually.. is this what this actually is??’ and then Aunt Dawn comes down the stairs with her arms full of bags and I ask ” Is she moving out?”

With grim expression and a slight smirk, she nods her head- out the door she goes.
There are 4, 5, 6, movers, all moving fast and the world is blurry for an instant. I stand there cemented to the spot. I don’t know what to do and I see police car, one, two and I know I do not want to see Mom but she’s there before I can move and next thing i know i  am doing what i dont want to do and moving towards her and i hug her and say the least thing i want to say to her. ” yay, you’re finally doing it!’
then i walk downstairs then i walk back up and i go up more stairs and i am crying and i open my brothers door and i sit on his bed and i say ‘ josh ‘ and he turns over slowly and sees my face and is alert and there is panic in his eyes and i say ‘ moms moving out ‘ and we sit in stunned silence and then we talk and then we look out the window and then we sit some more and then we go back down together and zeek all this time is watching stuff on my computer and doesn’t know anything that’s going on .
and josh calls our sister and she didn’t know . josh calls our brother later on and he didn’t know
and dad is in chatham and he
does
not
know.
i feel wrong being here.
then there are more cars and aunt ruth and uncle john are there and he asks me ‘ hows it goin’ and i say drly’ perfect’ he says oh right, dumb question’. and they hug me and i am stiff and my eyes wet and they just keep being wet and i am standing there beside them and i dont want to be and they say they have nothing against my dad and that john, ‘ i’d like to go golfing with him this summer’ and i’m saying inside my head, ‘ya the fuck right’. i am mad mad mad mad mad and feel out of place.
Then I am downstairs and the movers are there now too and ask ‘ are we just taking the tv?’
My blank stare is enough answer.
I know this is the best thing to do. For Mom to leave.
But I am still angry.
I am mad that she chose to do it this way. To have it planned for at least a month. To get her own place. To know she was spending her last days here. And us not have a clue.
I am angry that all those trips into town were ones for lawyers. she never ever told us she was leaving even those times.
I am mad she didn’t say goodbye, but i know that was easier for her to do.
I hate that she said ‘ you can visit, theres a suite you can stay in for 3,4 days for free’.
‘im sorry mom, ‘ i think to myself ‘ i have not fricken processed this in the slighest.
The place she will have gotten will be very nice. It won’t be dumpy. And Josh and I sit dumbfounded, and he asks me about the affair because in Moms email to him, she mentions it assuming he already knew. He didn’t. But I say nothing about it and say , ‘ask dad,he’ll tell’.

Then, all of a sudden, a crashing silence falls on our heads and we stand up and we say, ” Are they gone already??”

and upstairs we go and there is no trace that they were even here, save for the spaces of things that were there and are now gone.
we move to her room and it is empty empty empty and we stand in it for a few minutes and we lean against the windows and i watch the birds at the feeder.
we wait for dad to come home and he comes home and he stops in the driveway in his white jeep and he backs up and we watch him do this and then he pulls forward and we know he has seen the marks on the grass and josh and i put our coats on and shoes and walk out to the garage and he shuts the jeep door and he follows us in and josh says’ we have some bad news…..pause… ‘ mom left’
“oh really. that doesn’t surprise me too much’ he says and his eyes are full of question and josh begins retelling the hour and a half.
and i recall people taking pictures and writing down items in the garage and in the kitchen and dad said ‘when he saw us walking out he figured somethign was up’ and when george and him left early for chatham  earlier that day they had to turn around because they forgot something and mom alreayd had her car trunk open and her bedding inside because she thought they would be gone but they came back and he saw that and thought’ either shes gettign it dry cleaned or moving out?” and she had this all planned. calculated down to the last plate she was going to take. she knew everythin she was entitled to and she had it all configured in her brain about how much stuff she needed for her new place. three stools? yes, they’ll fit quite nicely. a couch? tv? oh i need a coffee machine, yes i’ll take that one. and this good chinaware too!
dont ask me how ballistic my uncle george ( who is living with us too ) will get now without his 5 hour daily tv watch. to be honest i think that was kinda a mean one taking that . it’s not like she can’t afford another one? but we’ll get another one and a nicer one and we will change the whole basement around too. this is more my house now. I’m the woman in it.
we shall change the locks on the house.
and dad is not to know where mother now resides.
—————————–
I do feel lighter.
I do feel the air is thinner, there is less tension and Zeek finally feels more like mine again.
She will be happier, and we will be happier too. Everyone will. In time.
We will fill in the blank spaces of the house, we will take out all the knick knacks she had and it will be like she was never here. Starting over.
She is still my Mother and I suspect there will be good change in our relationship because of the distance but for now I will stay angry and sad and feel pity for my Father.
For after 36 years of marriage,
his wife has left him.

Change on the Menu

Change is on the menu.

I just need to order it.
Not just for an appetizer.
For all courses.

For the course of my life.

If anything. I need to be the chef in the kitchen:
making the change.

But similiar to food, I have never excelled in cooking.
So its a learnin as we go experience. Trial and error.

I feel there is an ingredient I rarely have used in my life.
It comes in a glass bottle and it is called Truth.

Hurting for a Good Reason

I have known for awhile, in the back of my head, that it would crash.
That at one point, life would just fold in on itself.
And I would deal with it then.
That’s what I told myself.
Hurt has now got the strength and has shaped and it’s formed and.. it’s in me. It’s what I have begun to feel. I don’t get hurt often. I really don’t.
But I feel that this is the beginning of the toughest thing I go through.
This will be one of the biggest changes in my life. Coming to terms with things will take awhile.
It’s not like anyone has died,
but a part of me has to. I have to kill parts of me, in order for me to live. And to love.
To love completely.

People Will Be This Way-Learn to Deal

We have to make sure we are not holding onto negative balloons or walking a negative tight rope. We have to make sure we are not baking negative cookies or bread or concocting negative smoothies that bubble when you sip them.
A lot in life, has to do not only with your awareness, but how you deal.

We live in the same space as thousands of others. We will cross over the same streets and drive over the same bridges. We will see people we will only see once. We will see people that we will marry, we will see happy and sad, stress and glee.
Everyone’s got their own separate story.
And you aren’t going to know about it, just that it exists.

People are going to cut in front of you, they are going to be moody when handing you your drink, they are going to laugh when you trip and not always smile even when you do.
Sometimes grandparents may have just passed, or dogs may have been hit, maybe nothing at all has really happened in their life to make them the miserable they appear to be. Since you are not going to know, you have to treat them as if something has.
It’s not easy.
But it does get easier.

Sometimes you will be in that funk of negative and you will need smiles and generosity to bring you out.
So remember that when someone doesn’t hold the door open for you or slams your change into your hands. Remember that when someone bumps into you and doesn’t apologize or when someone you work with is rude to you.
It will happen.
Just know how to deal with it.

Country to Country: People and Interaction

The last three visits I have made to Canada, have been for two months at a time.
Going into it my brain and heart know this. Going through it, my brain and heart know this.
Even though I absorb and seem to mesh into Ontario life quite easily, it is more what it appears like and not what it is.
Since I already know this is temporary, the impact is greater and longer lasting. Conversations are always so much better after I’ve been away. Clicks in my head happen at the slightest things. At things like understanding my rapid mumbles. I am impressed with people and their ability to pick up on feelings and senses. I am humbled by human nature and somedays, it even brings me to tears.
I won’t even have grasped the entirity of my stay- my confrontations and conversations- before I go back.. and knowing this, is just another of those alterations.

I always was a bit shy with my eyes but.. I was better at speaking. I knew where I was going with my sentences and I didn’t feel like the world was spinning backwards and I had to run to keep on top.
And now, when it comes to interaction, there is more that I feel.
And that always makes me feel connected…
and distracted.
So when I’m at an event full of people I haven’t seen in years, there are obligations and conversations that act as magnets and some that lack concentration. I am all over the map as I tighten up my hair elastics and hop right into their train of thought and go. Two miles later while it is still moving, I am getting out. And in that three minute train ride I’ve calculated my insecurities and outwitted my doubts, I’ve surprised myself with my bold and confident form, and I’ve seen someone else that I need to talk to.
So I hop on the next train.
I wasn’t kidding when I said I was all over the map.

When it is all said and done, whether it be weddings, a pub or a funeral party, a downtown group I know well.. I end up reeling in goodness. And also in bad.
It matters that people make effort. It matters that they drive 20 minutes to see me. It matters that they pick me up on ten minute notice and drive me to get a Greek salad without olives.
Being outside of this country has given me new appreciation for friendships and has helped me self reflect in a lot of ways.
Even though I value effort, I know I love certain people by the way that I will go to them.
Every single time.
And it circles back to the fact that I know I am only here visiting. I can do this much now, because in two months time I will be away from the opportunity.

I will not have unloyal or disrespecting friends. I will not have friends that ignore me.
Each new time these two month visits are over, a slew of Facebook friends are deleted.
It doesn’t take a life in another country and then the reentry, to figure out that some people just aren’t wanted in my life anymore..
but that’s the way it happens for me.
And that is where the bad comes in.

It is likely considered dissapointment.
In which; I feel sad when someone I thought would, doesn’t.
I get cocooned and it becomes interesting when I turn it inside out and have the fuzzy touching me.
Because I too, am capable of effort.
I too, can make the approach and dismiss the current car I am in.
If I value that person enough, why shouldn’t I.
I take this fuzzyness and accept how I don’t care to wrap it around people that I used to.

When it comes to people in my life, the selection becomes something I am more selective about. Life is busier and time is more valuable so the people I want to be with, had darn well better be special.