I like meeting people.
At least, I used to.
It’s not at parties or bars anymore. It’s at play places or through my husbands work.
And that is never the same.
For a number of reasons. Not just because I’m not drunk but because they are twice as old as me.
Not just because I’m carrying an 8 month old but because I can’t flirt my way through the conversation.
That used to be my confidence. That used to be where I dug in my heels and planted myself firmly.
And I figure this all out as I’m listening to an older lady speak about books and how she thinks I should read this one when I can find the time. ( glancing down at my young one )
The dynamic, my approach has me reeling. Because it can’t be the same. It won’t be the same.
I flounder, trying to get a good grip, to get to a spot I am eager to play with.
I wonder at what age I will see adults as people just like myself. I wonder when I’ll accept the fact that I to, am an adult. Maybe there will always be stages and transitions and growing and learning. That’s something I should be okay with too. I love becoming better. Who doesn’t. Sometimes it’s work. Sometimes it is effortless.
Sometimes it takes a look into a brilliantly blue eyed 72 year old with a bamboo stick as a cane, to figure out that ‘hey, we’re all just living here’.
I think about how living here affects my marriage.
We don’t ever go out on double dates or go out just us two. We have only met and bonded with one couple over coffee when Zeek was first born. And that was because she was pregnant and wanted some info regarding our labour and delivery.
When we get into arguments, I don’t phone up a friend. I don’t go walking down the streets. Because I can’t. I have no friends and it’s a bigger deal then just to get up and go with a 6 month old.
So our arguments rarely happen. When they do, we may be quiet for a little while but we are forced to revert back to one another. We live under the same roof and he doesn’t have friends either. We just haven’t bothered to make any.
I’m a pretty social person so you wonder how I can do it.
I guess this country does a lot for me in the way that I reflect and do personal things that I otherwise wouldn’t be finding the time for.
I’ve made scrapbooks and albums and videos over the past few years.
I think a lot on when we move to Canada. Because within two years, we will.
I think about how I will change. How certain aspects of me will be highlighted. Stuff that maybe he hasn’t seen before. Like, ordering my own food. And being talkative and interacting and being dependent.
I wonder what it will do to our marriage.
I wonder about good things and bad things.
I think when we argue there, we will be able to put more space between us and that may resort to the issue taking longer to resolve. It will be a challenge.
It will be like a new relationship all over again. I am excited for it.
So I live it up here. I focus on the good this place does for us and how close we are because of it. I think we have been here for a reason and I think we have been building on that without realizing it.
I can stand tall and be proud of us because we are doing well for being so far away from all that we know…from any help I would be getting, from time away from Baby, from time with friends..
I’ve never liked doing chores. I suppose that’s the way it is with a lot of people. Even in my late teens and early twenties…Mom did the work. I was spoiled and it is probably why I don’t know how to iron shirts properly or clean toilets well. It is probably why flowers I recieve, die in a few days and my cooking skills are at zero.
Having a child kind of changes all that. I don’t feel that it HAS to change. I’ve heard some pretty hairy stories of woman having babies but who do not keep the house clean or safe. Some mothers like to keep there place cleaner than others. Thats understandable.
But I’m talking about me here.
It wasn’t in my self to stand for 45 minutes finishing up dishes after dinner or vacumning at least once every week or doing laundry every other day. I don’t know where the guster comes from. When all I really want to do is sit in front of this computer box and tap away. I know I’m pretty selfish. And so thats why this surprises me.
I’m handling this motherhood thing better than I thot i would. And i don’t even know for sure how i thought i would. I just feel different and better and greater of a person.
I guess I’ve embraced it. I’ve discovered that I like clean things-specially when they are my own. My house, my clothes, my yard.
I’m awake before all the others in the house.
But outside I hear the birds and the cars exiting the village.
Even with all the blinds still closed, I know there is a world bustling out there.
I know that people change as time does its thing. I know that people can grow apart because of it. It’s one of those things that I didn’t ever think would happen to my own best friends and myself.
But who was I kidding. An entire year away from them coupled with drastic changes in all our lifes…there’s bound to be some new gum to chew in the package.
I live abroad, away from a fast-paced ride I grew up smiling on. Over the years I’ve adapted to this slow, un-hurryable lifestyle and I’m okay with that because the speedy ride in Canada is something I know I can get back on.
And because I enjoy this snail spin.
Both of my best friends have changed differently. Except for the part where it’s the same. They’ve always had a backbone. An opinion. But now they vocalize it like its the only thing worth selling in the world. They’ve got speech and conversation down pat like I used to. They’ve got bigger words that I haven’t used in years, and I feel alittle overwhelmed and lost.
I don’t have friends here that speak proper English. I have my boyfriend and that is whom I go to with it all. But I’ve turned into more of a listener, because thats partly how him and I work. So when my friends come over-seperatly mind you, and visit me in my house here, I feel the difference.
I am being spoken at, not to. My thoughts and feelings are belittled because of the easy confidence they sway in. I’ve been aware of which happenings I put my energy towards and so far this dishevelled gum tastes like surprise and confusion.
For now, I leave my two best friends and I with a quieter woman because I have yet to swallow.