Son and the Sun

Waking up before son, but not before sun- she can’t wake if she’s never slept.
It’s nice for the land and animals to catch what she touches before I do.
I go to welcome her a few times a year. I think I want it to be more; she always tells me she appreciates it when I appreciate her.

Just to hear the train whistle and the morning birds caw their way through a gossiping cluster, I sit awake in the middle of the week.
I need to get still so I can be better.
I need to breath deeper so I can locate patience.
I need to enter my conscious before I access my vocals.

People like fire for roasting hot dogs and marshmallows, they even like it for passion and direction. For motivation and drive.
Not for the flare in the eyes or the tone of the sound. Not when flames mean the lash and the scold. You end up burning your own feet.

So sun, I know you’re hot but can you help me cool my insides.
So son, I know you’re seven, but can you help me be five.

There were no fires there. There were no fires then.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My 4 Year Old Has Said These Things

“My nose is broken when it’s stuffed up. “

“Mom, I have another ask. “

Me: “The moon is very far away. ”
” No it’s not. We just need a bunch of ladders.”

” Did you cut your blood off?” ( referring to a cut on my leg )

“Santa is 68 kilometers years old. “

“Can Santa see through the roof?”

“Did you put it through the dryer?” ( referring to pan friend ham  )

Limousine is “limonose”
Peanut Butter is “peener butter “

” We are hearts, so we hurt.”

” There is sun in my body that melts it.” ( Referring to chocolate he just ate )

 

 

Click here for things he said when he was three.

 

 

My 3 Year Old Has Said These Things

To an over easy egg sandwich. ” Yellow, stay in there!”

“How does the sun breathe? “

” Why is my arm attatched to me?”

Me- ” I’m going to go to the doctors and he’s going to take this freckle off.”
” Then he will put back on a new one?”

Me- ” I’m going to lay here to get brown from the sun. “
” But the sun is not brown. “

Me- ” That fish has lost one eye!”
” He can find it?”

” Mayme if we put tomatoe soup on this plant, it will grow a tomatoe!”
( Days later, it totally did ( Go Mom! )and he didn’t touch it- afraid it was going to break )

” Can butterflies talk? ‘Cause I don’t hear their voices’.

He sees the blood in the toilet from my period and asks, ” Momma, is your heart broken?”

 

Calling all Mommys

How many Moms’ out there don’t think you deserve your child?

I rarely brag about my son. I barely even talk about him with others.
When his teacher says stuff to you about him that you haven’t heard her say to any other mother, and you KNOW she means it,
it all clicks into place.
He’s beautiful. He’s loving. He’s emotional.
” He loves you.”
” You feel that connection with him, don’t you.”  And you know that. You know he loves you.

And to think,
I was going to end my life because ‘it sucked’.

 

 

He deserves a Mom that loves life like he loves her.
And that’s ME.

 

After All This Time..

Alright. So.
I’ve had a little bit of an emotional breakthrough.
My heart after 27 years, has felt a new frickin thing.
It’s called love.

Yeah.
27 Years.

Okay. So I love my child.
But loving a man ( not a boy ), my age ( not 24 years younger ),  is a really really cool, large, deal.
Okay. So I thought I loved my husband.
That to me, is now in my books labelled as ‘in love’.

And you know what?
There’s a gigantic difference in that book of mine.

I will likely write about that differance in a seperate poast. Wow. I just wrote post as poast.

My heart has been in heaves the past two days.
I drove to work yesterday breathing as fast as a hyena who’s run 14 k.
So much so that I started getting lightheaded and the windows fogged up. The defrost was on full blost too.

Here I am knowing I’m about to launch a spray of my brainworks,heartworks- and whatever other works I’ve got in the unknown makings-by me, at you guys.
The next few posts may be of a repetitive nature, but hey- sometimes we become consumed in soaking in our feelings.
And that’s not too bad of a thing.

Specially when it’s kinda gotta sorta um,

really is to do
with the real thing

love.

 

 

Really really.

 

 

 

New Feel in the Picture

My sons father hasn’t seen his son in one year and three months.
It was a sacrifice he chose. For me. For his son.
I still love the man because he is good. He just wasn’t right for me.

In five days he will meet his son.
Because his son is altogether new. Unfamiliar. Different then the last time.

So yesterday, I got the burst of a new feel.

I am excited to show him our son.
For him to represent my hard work and dedication of over a year.
I am responsible for his manners and his voice. The words he uses and his diaperless bum. I am the reason behind a lot of the good things and of course, some of the bad.

I am excited to show him the being we made and how it is no longer a 7 pound wriggle, but a 31 pound child that hugs hugs-the best I’ve ever had.
He’s my heart beating reason,
and I’m excited to show him that.

Trying to stop the Coast

I don’t recall experiencing such highs and such lows, one after the other, in all my life.

Soaring for days, for weeks even, and then plummeting in an instant. Finding self in the dark caves of insecurity with self abosrbed and self hating rocks in all the tunnels.

How the hell did I get here?

I’m stretching out my arms, with my fingertips trembling for any sort of sense.

But the thing is, it all does. It makes sense why I’m here, how I’m here and why I feel the way I do. Well, that part gets me a bit confused. I’m not really sure why I reach very low points. Other then the reason I’m going through  a divorce and I’m terrified about what happens to my child in the future. Sort of a lack of control. Future does have you behind the controls to some extent and even though I still do-I can afterall, control my behaviour, my actions and try and steer my feelings accordenly-  it feels that all of a sudden life has dropped the drive to go forward and I’m coasting towards a giant brick wall.

My desire to see friends wanes. I know they’ll make me happy but when I reach low, it’s hard to even want to be happy. Self Pity. Oh what a deadly thing.

 

 

 

 

Flying in my Heart

I flew around the world with a human-my son,who had only spent 4 montharoos in the worldy. Me and my 24 year old self.
I don’t know, maybe that should have sunk in and it should be considered a small feat and what some Moms do all the time.
But it was me and everytime I think about that time, I feel I was very young.

It was, and is, a giant feat for me that I feel proud about.

And now?

My son flies around my heart in his own special capsule in his own special space every single day. He’s got his own flight path and neither of us are the pilots-it’s just called love.
We fly alone together everywhere.

To the grocery store. Through dreams. Through tears.

Even when apart.

He takes the flight in my heart that is a flight that lasts forever.
And no matter how young or how old I feel,
it will always be the case-
plane and simple.

Finding Independence in Scary

I didn’t picture myself working with a child.
Even before I got into this relationship, I knew I wanted to be a stay at home Mom and I didn’t think once about that being difficult to achieve. I figured whoever I chose to have a child with, would have a good enough job to support a family. That fell easily into my lap. Perhaps becuase it was the outpour in my heart, and that the men I dated, knew it from the start.
” I only date men who I can see myself marrying and I want to be a stay at home Mother,” said me on first dates.
And noone ever walked away from that.

Now, I will have the support from my partner, but I can’t depend on it forever.
I am afterall, trying to find my independence in this world.
But I’m really scared.
This foreign thing to me, working and raising a person.
Oh many have to do it. I get that. And I have been fortunate to not have too.. but it is still a new thing to me.
And new things can be scary.

Bond Between Parent and Child

Lately I’ve been pretty emotional when it comes to my 20 month old and I.
Watching him intently, tears move in with all there bags and furniture.

And they set up home nicely in my heart.

The bond between parent and child is not something that is frequently brought to attention. People don’t come up and say ‘ Hey, I noticed the connection you have with your child; it is wonderful to see!’ People are more likely to say things like, ‘ Has she started solids yet?”, ” When did he start walking? “, and ” What brand of diapers do you use?”.

Perhaps we don’t address the bond because we expect it to be there.Maybe it is because it is not as obvious to the eye. That to make the comment and for it to be genuine, means digging a bit deeper.

I wonder if we consciously looked for that,what would happen.
If,when out at a playground or play group, we looked for details of a great connection between parent and child.

And I wonder if we spoke up, and if we told them that we had seen it,what it would do.
I don’t think the foundation of respect matters much in this case. That even if there was no previous encounter for a level of respect to be established, the compliment would still stand.

And eventually sit.
In a parents heart.

Parents can know and feel the love for their child. They don’t need people to point it out for them. But we like compliments. We all do. And they stick with us for months, even years later.
I put on a pair of shoes or a shirt,knowing someone said they had liked them, months ago.
Your Aunt Beth likes that dish of potatoes and cream cheese you make every Christmas. You remember that as you’re sprinkling the spices in.

We don’t need compliments or recognition to be good parents.
But it helps to know that we’re not the only ones experiencing it.
That having children, unites us in a way we don’t understand.

I get sad sometimes thinking about how my family doesn’t get to see it. That they don’t get to see my son and I grow together. Sometimes it makes sending pictures or videos difficult. Because I know that that doesn’t capture it.
It doesn’t capture what I am so proud of.

When people talk to us about our connection with anything, it inevitably adds to that current. Talking about an interest of ours can make the passion for it, obvious all over again.
Sometimes the obvious over time, gets lost. Sometimes we forget why we enjoy something. Sometimes all we remember, is just that we do.

We know we love our children.
But sometimes the passion for raising them gets overrided by all the emotional upheavels. The frustrations,the guilt,the stress. The routines,the pressures,the focus.

So in pointing out an appreciation or an admiration for something more in depth then ‘your kid can really count’, the possability in reviving a lost obvious, is born.

Sometimes, that’s the motivation which pushes us to continue being good parents.
And sometimes, that’s the motivation that pushes us to be better.