I Struggle with Myself

I’m a bit lost these days. What does one do? I guess I never thought I would be in this situation because I’ve been pretty darn great at keeping myself happy. But it is a new low.
When you know you can be better in your relationship, when you know the things you need to do, but you have no will to do them? When you know you are capable of being happier and you are focused on what you think you need but deep down you know that you need to fix what you are in.
You need to fix what you are in because right now, it is fixable.
But it is the most scariest thing I have ever been a part of because it deals with my child and my marriage and I now, after only so long, I realise I am not fit to be commitable. I can’t do it. I run. I have run all my life out of relationships.From people that have wanted to marry me. From people that would have done so much to keep me.
Little things irritate me and I have been able to run because of all the others out there.
Even now, they are there. But it has taken this long for these things to add up, about him. About the guy I married. It has taken this long, four years, for even the tiniest bit of running thought, to enter. And I wonder, why the hell now.
I am so far removed from this situation. I’m already out and I don’t want to be in. But I feel pressed to be and we started documents today to move to Canada and I know I am supposed to talk to him and say everything and spill it all, but I am Running Women, I have been doing it all my life and this is where it gets me. To here. To a dead end. Because I know I will not be happy. I am doing this to him and to myself. To our son.
And I feel so messed up. There is noone I have. No best friends. Noone to talk to.
I’ve got myself here,
How do I get myself out ?

Breaking Down in the Last Week

My head is spinning and I’m whirling myself into people’s arms hoping to make some impact.Hoping they won’t be able to forget me and I am neglecting my child and own sister and mother and it hits me today that going back is going to be harder than ever before. Not exactly the leaving part. But the living there part. I have now experienced this life with friends and child.I have finally combined them too in a rapid pace and I am clinging to it.
I have no energy for my child. I am pushing him away as I step outdoors and gulp the last of this air. The people glow. I am feeling guilty and worn and my voice is half gone. I am pushing myself on 5 hours of sleep at night. I am doing as much as I can in the time I have. I am getting frantic and simple things are now making me whimper. Planning to meet people is becoming difficult and I am snapping at my mother.
My ends are unravelling and I feel at this point I have no control. Nor do I want to. My eyes are set on here and now. On the stuff that I won’t have for much longer. I tell myself I’ll be better in Thailand. That I’ll fix this madness. That there won’t even be anything to fix. But deep down I know, something is up. I’m not a good mother here and I don’t know if I will be as good of one over there as I was before I left to visit Canada.
I am scared.
I am emotional.
I am breaking down.

Benefits With Baby Abroad

524730_10151422880262672_1352490746_n

Having a baby away from all your friends and family, in a different country where the culture is not at all simliar than your own, is bad.
And good.
It is bad for the obvious reasons that Uncles and Aunts and Grandparents do not get to create a bond and watch him grow. It is bad that my friends don’t get to be a part of this wonderful light in my life and it is bad because I get less breaks and time for myself.
But good.
Good becomes of this because there has be to good in everything. Even if we don’t see it.
I read online about other Mothers feeling judged and getting advice flung at them in all directions in the Western countries.
Here, I get none of that stuff. I live my own life, raising my child the way I want to and I don’t feel judged even though we get stared at everytime we go out. Some are bold enough to come up and touch his hands and his feet and sometimes they even touch his face. Which is always the time I bat their hands away. In Canada, maybe there would be more personal space awareness and maybe there would be less people that actually stare.

But my realisation and joy of raising Zeek here has flourished into this field of prosperous blooms! I am understanding that even though it sucks being away from my homeland, there are so many benefits to being here.

We’ve all got our rules and our own ideas about how to raise our children. Since Thailand is a slow-paced life and people are patient and wouldn’t give dirty looks if child screams in restuarant, I feel that having my first child here, really is a positive thing.
I choose to look at it this way not just because I have to be in this situation, but because the field I’m in smells wonderful and I want to be able to plant whatever seeds are growing here, further on, in and around my life.

Moody Discovery

The past three weeks have been the longest I have went without documenting anything. I have had the fewest photos, the least writings, and such little documentation on Zeeks habits that it has pressurized into this cannon of disgust towards me. Made by me.
I have drank less water and spoke less to my family. My absorption seeps into my child and anything that has to do with him. I need to learn how to balence this. And when I do figure it out, I’ll probably be heading back to Thailand where no friends or family are and what good is learning this if I will not be able to put it into practise.
My mind falters towards home back in Pattaya and how being unable to clean and tidy the house irritates me . I have to sit in it for hours, impatient and eager to just get it done. But I must wait.
It comes to me here because I see the mess about this house. I see the piles of clothes we’ve made and the lack of time we have in sitting down and actually cleaning things up. And it gets to me.
Before having a child I really didnt think this was such an issue. I always had untidy rooms and I was never bothered by it. This discovery is one of the many I have found after having a child.

Moody Mommy Days.