Sometimes I find myself in a closed room sipping on sugar cubes of my past. I keep taking from the same bowl, these perfect little fresh six sided sweets.
I feel the sides, I take the angles and I let dissolve and I let absorb.
Like with too much of anything, my insides will begin to cringe and unfold their exasperation and disapproval.
Every once in awhile, I step inside this place where I roll in the mud of my past. I let myself feel awful for my decisions. I pull in blame and frustration and I coat the whole room in these colours. I am angry and I am determined. I can’t do anything but eat the sweets that turn so sour, to crawl into cave where all I do is feel bad and wonder how I could have messed up so terribly.
Deep down I know. I truly do know. I had to do my past the way that I did so that I could reach where I have. I do align myself with motivation and self awareness, help and understanding, yet these spaces of time come to me strong every so often. I don’t remember ever really pushing them away, but at least now I know that I have the ability to climb out. That in another day or four, I’ll be positive and upbeat again.
I’ll soak in my sweet sweet truth of my life; everything from my perspective to the actual. I’ll make myself sick with consumption of my frustration and feeling of stuck.
When I’m done doing that, I’ll lay in sun and let myself soak that. I’ll let myself be sick on content and the ever always, ebb and flow of life.
And when we have the choice to leave on a bad note or a better one-and we always have that choice- we know which one to choose. Not always the easiest, but always the best. When you leave, leave with as much love in place as possible.
It shifted. A few days ago it did.
When I finally set myself free.
When I did what I needed to do. And it couldn’t have happened any sooner
because I wasn’t ready to let go.
This was in my heart all along.
So as much as this is a beginning, it still feels like it is gloriously aged cheddar.
I guess that’s what happens when you finally make your own hearts whispers’ a priority.
It’s okay to not know what you want.
You may be under the impression that you are supposed to know. That knowing will make your life feel like it has some sense. That you have direction and a focus, a purpose.
And since all of the above is true when we really do know what we want, I think sometimes we fake it. We choose something that is similar, something that is more obtainable to us then the real thing. We want for the wrong reasons.
Sometimes we may even begin to believe that it is what we want.
That gets scary. And weird. Your whole being is off and you may find you are more unhappy then not. Maybe it is more subtle then that and you feel uneasy or hesitant to make decisions. Maybe you stress over conversations you’ve had in the day or are uptight about how you can’t crack an egg properly for the lives of you and your house mates.
Sometimes pulling a few minutes from your closet and sitting with just that and your heart, you’ll find it’s telling you something. Sometimes it’s things we don’t want to hear. It may be difficult to admit that you’re not really chasing what you want but more the idea of it or so someone else doesn’t get it.
It is better to conclude you really are uncertain about what you want in life -or on a smaller scale, situations -then it is to push on in a direction that isn’t reflecting your heart.
It won’t work that way.
That is one of the many things experience has taught me.
If you don’t know what you want, that’s okay. It doesn’t mean your life is pointless or flawed. We learn things at different times in our lives. Everyone has there own space and time and flow.
So just go with that.
Even when it surprises you.
Because believe it or not, your life is always flowing. Even when you feel stuck.
My insides evaporate and I become what I feel.
I am Alone and Full of Love. I am Full of Emptiness and Helplessness and I am the Panic that begins to flood all of this and it’s making me Sick and Lost and I’m Fumbling for Communication. I am ready to shrink and ready to burst and nothing is good.
But it is right.
Because this is what happens when our feelings consume us.