You cant keep blocking or ignoring the feelings. They can swim. You cant drown them with alcoholic ice or drugs. Numbing them doesn’t make them flee forever. You will always come back to them in some way or another if you don’t properly work through them, with them. Your freedom-to live happier, is worth it.
So quick to push the dead end truth into the neighbours’ garden
to walk the merry go round as it spins
upside down hanging from cloud strings
begging to snap
the seams of clean linen on the line.
oh, you don’t want to go this way, do you?
I don’t always understand what I see but reality has a quality that can blind us, thwart us or call us beautiful.And the real cool magical spice behind that is, our reality is largely based on our very own perspective. Our angle determines what shapes and sizes we see. There are positions we choose to be in and ones we don’t have control over, and what we have decided or not decided to be within us, is where our view becomes what the reality is.
When I think of reality I think of conditioned hair with the ability to choose our own shampoo. We are a product of our past, conditioned to our experiences. But it does not mean we cannot outgrow, differ or tweak what we were ‘supposed’ to believe in. We can change our type of shampoo.We are all hairdressers even if we’re bald. I’m not one nor am I, but I do understand my hair.
Our perspective on reality gets more realer the more we invest on learning the whys and the hows of individuals and situations.
We can align with the core of us, and recognize that everyone else has a core too, and by putting forth effort in having more experiences that differ, the more perspective we have.
We gloom , we glee, we get closer to a bigger reality.
I’m gonna buy a little point and shoot. A little camera shot, instead of tequila.
I’m gonna buy a little knowledge. I am on a ledge and I know it.
I’m gonna burn my tongue on fireworks, just to make the fire work.
Gonna warm my hands like my heart hasn’t ever been cold.
This is a blast into a wallless arena.
And I make the walls and the choices and I abide by them and the hallways that are created.
Sometimes, there are windows though. And they’re big enough for me to fit through.
I’m gonna crawl through one like I’m a baby again.
The sun feels better outside.
And I’ve been inside for too long.
Are there dreams in your magic
lullabys in your ears?
Is there warmth in your mug
and your beauty in mirrors?
Do you have glitter in your pockets
a smile on your soul
Have colour in your step
and a heart that is full?
Sometimes I find myself in a closed room sipping on sugar cubes of my past. I keep taking from the same bowl, these perfect little fresh six sided sweets.
I feel the sides, I take the angles and I let dissolve and I let absorb.
Like with too much of anything, my insides will begin to cringe and unfold their exasperation and disapproval.
Every once in awhile, I step inside this place where I roll in the mud of my past. I let myself feel awful for my decisions. I pull in blame and frustration and I coat the whole room in these colours. I am angry and I am determined. I can’t do anything but eat the sweets that turn so sour, to crawl into cave where all I do is feel bad and wonder how I could have messed up so terribly.
Deep down I know. I truly do know. I had to do my past the way that I did so that I could reach where I have. I do align myself with motivation and self awareness, help and understanding, yet these spaces of time come to me strong every so often. I don’t remember ever really pushing them away, but at least now I know that I have the ability to climb out. That in another day or four, I’ll be positive and upbeat again.
I’ll soak in my sweet sweet truth of my life; everything from my perspective to the actual. I’ll make myself sick with consumption of my frustration and feeling of stuck.
When I’m done doing that, I’ll lay in sun and let myself soak that. I’ll let myself be sick on content and the ever always, ebb and flow of life.
When she believed in the water
she knew she could float.
When she understood rain
she found a red coat.
When she stumbled on stones
she turned a few over
When she drank it away
she finally got sober.
If you went back in time and made different decisions, some of the best things in your life right now, wouldn’t exist.
I’ve the whiskers of sensitivity sticking out of feel goods.
If there’s crumbs in between some, well I don’t mind; kinda makes me giggle.
Sometimes being on a hamster wheel is better then the London Eye or one at a carnival.
I ingrain behavior and modules into my hamster head on this wheel. Gotta make things more deep then surface and running through them over and over again puts my hearts blood in the right place.
Preparation for life off the life wheel. There will be introductions to old situations. For when the content of depth has changed, so does the ability too choose differently. And that’s what makes me a wheely focused hamster.
I have lived my whole life making decisions based solely on two things.
What I want.
it won’t surprise me if you’ve done the same thing.
It is a terrible backing for a life frame.
You know why ?
Because feelings change and what we want isn’t always the best for us.
Because we won’t stay married if we are always choosing with our feelings.
Because we continue to want even after getting what we wanted.
We will never be satisfied if we choose with these two things as our main reasons.
Feelings are important and need to be validated. This is for certain. But we don’t need to act on them to do this.Heck, who knows where we would all be if we acted on every single feeling we had.
Which brings me to my next fact: There ARE some behavioral limits we have set without even knowing. We ARE capable of not acting on our feelings.
So why then, must we continually put feelings and wants at the forefront of our decision making?
- It’s the easiest. We don’t have to think about why; it’s enough just to know we feel this certain way.
- Less stressful.
- It’s usually justified. We place so much importance on our feelings that NOT following them feels wrong.
- It makes the most sense to us.
A few things happen when we choose like this.
- A bad habit forms.
It becomes that other peoples feelings start to matter less. Our first instinct isn’t to think about how it will make the other person feel or to think of what they would want.
- We become selfish and self absorbed and guess what. We don’t even know it because we’re going off our feelings and our feelings aren’t..ever wrong. People in our lives will eventually recognize the pattern;that their happiness comes below ours. Every Single Time.
Another problem when we choose based on feelings:
- We expect them to stay the same.
But that’s just the thing. Feelings DO change.
I believe there’s this misconception in relationships that yes, we’re aware there’s going to be tough times ahead, but that we’ll still feel love for them or care for them in those times. When in reality, you won’t. That’s when choosing to love your partner regardless of how you FEEL at that time, is such an important, conscious decision to make.
- Unresolved issue. It’s not an easy task and it’s why so many of us opt for the feeling route. If we feel upset, directly correlated to that feeling is the desire to remove ourselves from the situation. Often times, this just dormants the problem and eventually, another similar episode will bring it to the surface.
We need to assess how we are making the majority of our decisions. And if a lot of them are founded on feelings and desires, to rewire that.
Into logic or common sense. To practicality or rational. For the consideration of others. For long-term prospects or security.
Once we start the shift, it will get easier.