6 Years Ago I Knew It Would Eventually Explode

I don’t wonder how I got to this position in my life. Strictly dealing with relationships and not the firey one I’m in the continual process of adding gasoline to.
It makes entire sense to me knowing I am here because I have chosen it. I have chosen to be here. It sucks to admit but it feels good to. I’m taking responsibility. Not to say I’m not taking responsability for the other areas of my life. I just could foresee this one panning out the way it did.

I remember thinking years ago, from time to time that eventually, it was all going to blow up in my face. And this isn’t just a little ‘ I want my sucker NOW,’ blow up- I’m talking an entire life upheaval that I knew would have me on my knees and in bed for days. I didn’t eat a thing for TWO weeks, for goodness sake.   I knew this would happen back then but I told myself I would worry about it once it happened.
Afterall I knew I couldn’t go on forever with one foot in my relationships. I couldn’t keep lying – to myself or to others-till the end of time, but I didn’t know how to stop. So I kept choosing the bad – out of pure laziness I might add- settling myself with the fact that the blow up would change things.

And it has.

I used to think this space sucked. A LOT. But no. It’s just different. I haven’t experienced anything like this in my life. I’ve cried a lot, drank a lot, drank not a lot,danced a lot, cooked a lot, been alone a lot, read a lot, hated myself, loved myself, learned and growed… it’s been really shitty at times but motivating myself is kind of a cool feeling.

It’s silly that I had to have the initial push forced upon me. But that’s how I work. Or should say, USED to work.
I’m taking initiative and figuring that in the future I don’t need a big crash like this to kick my butt in gear.
I don’t love this place, no..but you know what guys, I would take this place over the place I was at, anyday. 

Life before the life crash: I was in denial. I made myself believe I was happy,carefree and full of friendship. But really, I was just livable to myself. 

 

 

 

Now I can say I’m lovable to myself.

 

 

 

 

 

 

And that’s a fact worth living. 

 

You Can Do It To

There is a lot of things we are able to pull aside into our minds and contemplate. To just sit in a room with the thoughts and think and think and think about .
I’ve went through phases where I’d stop and write a physical note down about my specific thought and come back at the end of the day to a page of ridiculous uncorrelated thoughts..and make something really grand with them all.
Those thoughts can be actual occurances. They stem from some truth. And I pride myself on making everyday occurances colourful and beautiful. They are usually simple too. I like to be fun in my head. To laugh at the small things and feel myself getting lighter and looser just because of it . If I am able to create wondrousity from simplicity without overturning the reality, I think that’s rad. If I am able to do all that and skew reality a bit and KNOW that I am, I think that’s radical too. I don’t want to create heavy out of what I can make light of. What’s the use of baggage when we’ve got aerosol cans.

 

 

 

The Struggle of Changing Yourself

If I could attach a phrase to the last four months of my life. It would be that of this post title.

I can feel on par, in line, mentally stable, eating the best carrots and drinking the most water one day and the next, I’m staying up late watching mindless YouTube videos and adding cinnamon sugar and chocolate chips to my popcorn.

I’ve learned one thing in the past few weeks and I can feel it has embedded itself into my system and that it will slowly grow and become bigger. It will be more of me as time goes on because I will choose for it consciously.

Even if I don’t exercise for three days, even if I falter at healthiness for a little bit of time, whether it be emotionally or mentally, I can MAKE IT a PART of my healthiness by starting again. I have done that enough times in the past month that I know that it works. That the term ‘starting again’ is merely ‘ continuing on in the right direction’. I feel happier because I’ve pushed through my lazy, wanna crumple into a heap of skin and blankets moments, and felt better again.

That’s a life lesson.

You’re going to fall down and your mind is going to feel upside down and your going to think your hearts’ contents will feel better off flattened and left for dead in the street. You will get into ruts, heck, you’ll even make them yourself, but you don’t have to make them deep. 
You will make your own ( when you look back on it ) distinguishable pace. Whether it’s 9 steps forward and 10 back, or forward 10 and 1 back. You have the capability to set that.

And that’s pretty darn amazing.

 

Self improvement is an infinity mile journey. How do you expect to make a dent of good if you continiously wallow in your minds negative thoughts that YOU are not only choosing to hold on to, but are making in the first place.
Get the struggle of  bettering you under control so that you can admit, be aware, fight for and admire, the you that you are forever becoming. 

 

 

 

 

The Reaction to Truth

No wonder people say, ” I’ll be there in 10 minutes!” when they really know it’s more like 20. No wonder we curve the truth just a tiny tad bit so that the other beams at the response. It’s easy to. It feels a heck of a whole lot better then saying the truth and getting a reaction that makes them-and then yourself- disappointed.
No wonder people opt to say nothing, instead of the truth.

We have gotten worse at handling the truth and so we’ve got better at lying.
We’re kind of like babies. We’re a lot more sensitive then we were, can’t cope as well as we once did and when Parent says, ” Please put your shirt and shoes on “, we scream a lot louder.

Pleasing people. A lot of us do it. And it’s no wonder.
Being defeated by our own choice of vulnerable exposure is tiring. Draining. And hurts.

I suggest we watch for the reactions that will hinder peoples’ openness. When we react agressively or with silence, we’re only doing no one a favour. Appreciating and vocalising value for the choice of telling makes it easier for that person to tell you more things. In turn it makes for a closer, stronger relationship.

 

Swerving into Happy

I’m actually kind of sad right now.
Actually no.
I’m really sad.
So I’m gonna bring myself up by typing out this lovely posty for me!
for you!
for your diaper wearing toddlers and the people that surround you daily. Okay-so maybe they’re the same thing..but za point is, your happiness affects all the zones in your life!

It makes perfect sense to me! Life does. I believe it does and because I believe that and understand that I will falter in that belief occasionally, it makes it all easier.

Today I started wondering why I feel like I’m still 20. I’ve felt 20 for six years now. Whatzupwifdat.

Welp folks, my conclusion today.. it’s not that I can put on nailpolish any better-because I for the life of the cat I don’t have, can’t- it’s likely because I’m making the same darn tootin’ poor decisions!
For gorsh sakes!

I’m all for being young and pouncy and giving heart a wide berth of understanding to all ages, but some of the decisions you consistently made when you were younger shouldn’t be ones pattering up your adult years.
They have a much bigger impact and long lasting affects. And likely to more than just you.  We’re kinda supposed to be more responsible now, right?

I guess this morning I just gots to tinking of all dis and got down on myself.
But yuh know what, writing this post has been like rain to the dry flowers.
If being so postive in any ridiculous sucky life situation makes me laugh, I think I’ll do that.
As long as my learning will be.

Motivational Mistakes

Making mistakes sucks. No one wants to get better at that.
It’s a consistent occurrence in our lives,it just doesn’t have to be a regular one.

It feels like starting all over again.
Another push from the ground. And I think that’s what life kind of is. Constantly doing that. To push push push. Keep on going even though you fail at some things.
Even though you make poor decisions and disappoint. Even though your feelings tell you you’re sad or angry.

You push past your past and make that a way of life.
Living and holding onto choices that were already made, whether made recently or long ago is a bad decision in itself.
Push past the bad that already happened, and make something good.

 
You are more than capable.

 

 

We Are All Just Learning

I think sometimes we forget that we actually have to learn stuff.

That we aren’t born with all these adequate features that make living seem like something we’ve done a hundred times over.

 

No. We have to learn behaviours, methods and techniques.We go through trial and error and gain knowledge by failure.

All of THAT, all of the above, takes TIME. It’s called Experience and sometimes it takes 4 of the same mistakes to get it right.

And thats okay.

As long as we are always trying to improve, we can’t be so hard on ourselves or each other. If we don’t embrace the times we mess up, we end up carrying around a whackload of weight that we haven’t learned anything from.

And what good are tomatoe seeds in our pocket, if we don’t know how to put them in the earth and grow them.
What good is weight, when we have the ability to soar.

Learn to learn,
and you’ll be yearning to learn more. 

 

 

Self-Making

You make me feel so broken,
so damaged, defeated and hurt.

You make me feel that I am noone that matters
that me living makes no sense
that I am nothing but empty.

 

 

I don’t need that. 

 

You make me feel so amazing,
so loved, beautiful, and incredible.

You make me feel that I matter on this earth
that I am valued,
worth everything.
That I am needed.

 

 

 

 

But I don’t need that.

 

 

 

I don’t need it because

 
I am my own power,
my own truth.
I believe in me to do better than I have ever done.
I can be appreciated, loved and trusted
without being chastised for my past.

I can be those things
and not just feel those things.

I can be the factory that I am
and I can make all of those things

 

 

myself. 

 

 

I am Here!!

Friends,
I am standing on a solid
I didn’t have mere months ago.
I was swallowing the booze everyday
and wanted little to do with life
and now
I am here.

Friends,
I am feeling sure of many things
I felt no such thing 5 weeks ago.
I was wishing death was easier
and was angry because I couldn’t do it
and now
I am here.

I am here where I watch the flower fluffs float in the sun down by the creek.
Everything seems to have a beauty.
There is a peace I’ve found just in pushing forward.
I wasn’t expecting this.

But this must be why I kept going.

I believe in me and my ability to love the changes I’m undertaking. I don’t know exactly where this came from. To let go of all the mistakes I’ve made and to release myself of guilt. To know that I don’t need to carry it around. I actually don’t. And if anyone in my past wants to hold things against me, to not even give me a chance to shine in spite of my bad choices, then I do not need them in my life.
I will live better without them.

I am here
and the love for MY life is greater because of it.