Back To Thailand

Let’s take a look back to the place I lived in for five years. Pattaya,Thailand.
It changed me.
As  moving anywhere does.

Pattaya is a city of tourists,prostitutes,murders,drugs,wires,signs and deceit.

That basically sums up the negative.
But I am not such a cynical person that I find no positive of anything.

Fruit is wonderful, markets, 24hour 711’s almost within 4 minutes of anywhere.
Beautiful. Cheap clothes.
Weather.Beaches.

And there’s people that will drive you home so drunk you don’t even know where home is and they call your mom from you iphone asking and taking no money from purse and delivering.
Once in a lifetime that happens.

There’s also the time where you almost get raped by a so called friend and you set it up cause you went there alone in the dark and it waas in the middle of nothing but  a pack of dogs so when you scream and bolt and run and run and have dogs chasing and you’re whipping stones at them and hoping hoping hoping you won’t feel their teeth on your leg, well that’s life there too.

I haven’t had many scary expeirences there. That I felt. Save for that one. So in five years, i think that’s doing pretty good. I mean, i putmyself in dangerous spots all the time. I truly did. I ate noodles in a stairwell at three am for 2 months straight on the weekends.

I bruised with reality. I tested it. I got so drunk i was shoeless in a massive downpour, water rushing down streets and alone and white wearing me , brother searching, me just drunk drunk drunk.

I like to believe that my non touristy brain, saved me.
That I could smell danger, I avoided. That I thought like them. That my knowlede of the city, the people, helped me. I was able to manevouer around people. My expertise at people, at Thai’s really came into play and I belive that the reason for my safety.

No matter what they say.

Cause they lie like they need the money.
And most of them do.

 

Freeing

I’m 26 years old and a few weeks ago I figured out the person I want to be in life.

Up until a few years ago, I assumed I liked who I was. And when I shuffled through a few years of my life, I realized I was only convincing myself through other people. That I was creating a happy that existed only because of who I surrounded myself with.
It’s not as easy as taking out all those people-they are not even to blame.
It was me all along,focusing on making a person that guys liked.  Creating this hole to not even China, but to nowhere.
It’s taken a blow, a very low setting in life, to figure out the things I don’t need to change, but want to change.
And the desire to is what changes it all. For a few years now, I knew I needed to change if I was going to be happy with myself. But I didn’t because I got comfortable with being uncomfortable.
I feel ready now, to step back into life;ready to make choices instead of reacting to what comes my way.
I am ready to live.

Losing Parts of You

When you live away long enough from what you grew up around, you start to lose pieces of you.
You don’t have the same interactions that you’ve known all your life and the friends that helped you to figure yourself out, aren’t there.
Sometimes you lose sight of this altogether and it really only hits you once you’re back in your own country for a few weeks.
Some parts of me I actually forgot were there. Until I used them.
And we all know that the ‘use it or lose it’ line is a real thing and that if I don’t use these fun, happy parts of me, I will forget they existed.
But I will feel a void. And as the years go on I will not know what it is that is supposed to be there.
And that has scared me to glossy eyes.
That has made me want to hold on dearer than ever, to the culture I am most comfortable with. The culture I will always prefer over the others.
Because it is the one I know myself best in.
The one I am most happiest in.