To Stop Flirting, Is Friggin’ Tough

Up until I was 15 I was reserved, painfully shy, uncomfortable and insecure.

16 years of age popped more boobage onto me,a boyfriend into me, and this desire to actually make myself look good.
I stopped putting my school clothes on the night before and started straightening my hair and paid attention to what clothes made me look better.

It’s not all about physical attraction but sometimes, it is.
Looking good was really the only way I felt good. Feeling good brought my confidence meter up 6000 notches and in turn,
” Hello boys”.

For all of it’s existence, I didn’t call it flirting. ” It’s just the way I am!” ( Oh, please, I’d slash that idea down with an axe if it wasn’t already buried under a hill somewhere up north. )
Anyways, my behavior with males came naturally and it was perfected in a way I didn’t question or even really understand.

Basically what I’m trying to get at is that I flirted my way through life. It meant many overlapping relationships and a dependency that went beyond relying. It was a way of life.

Now I’m 28 and starting a brand new way. I’m attempting to drop a habit I didn’t realize I had.

Okay. So here’s the thing. When you go that long interacting in only one type of way towards males, it’s pretty friggin difficult to establish another way that doesn’t involve the combo of great social skills and the desire to be liked.

I mean, come ON.

I daily feel I’m being rude to men. It’s like knowing what to say to make them feel better or good about themselves, but trying not to want to anymore.
It’s like avoiding any eye contact, replying with bluntness wrapped in disinterest. It’s shutting down potential conversations before they begin.  It’s like learning how to communicate all over again when you know you know how to communicate just fine. It’s like the perfect opportunity to show off something you were proud of, but shutting that door over and over again.

And yeah, it does make me feel uncomfortable. I’m awkward at it. I’m nervous with it.
It’s fresh and tiring. I feel like a slightly empowered amature.  It brings me to a different level with myself and my world and my fancy smanzy heart tells me it’s the way to go, no matter how short worded I’m being with someone that is just begging for more interaction.

And I’ll take interaction with my heart over some freakishly good looking man asking for my phone number any day.





You Can Fake your Way Through Anything…But Don’t.

You can make your entire world ; your friends, family, other daily interactions.. think that you’re okay. That you’re even happy. That you’re feeling a certain way when you are not. That you ARE a certain way when you’re not.
You know how you can pretend to like a gift? And then just shove it in your closet, under your bed, regift..

If we pretend to like the gift of life, it’s not ever going to give us what we want.
The more we fake happiness-the worst being with the ones we are closest with, the better we get at it. Until we are reacting naturally like that.
But what’s the point?
To pretend we enjoy living? To pretend we’re actually as happy as our posted photos say? Come on guys, who are we kidding.
We’re never going to actually be happy that way.
Kinda just gotta be real with ourselves and maybe be more open to our sadness or downfalls and communicative of them. ‘Cause you know, the likeliness of connecting with someone over some unhappiness, is quite well…likely.Whether its with your sibling or best friend or person you just met.
And being cared by someone who REALLY knows your feels, well that’s a really good gift to give back to life. And Life don’t pretend nothing.

Topics of Conversation and People

There are certain people to talk to about certain things.
Almost anyone can get an earful of venting at times,  yet it’s nice to decipher which topic in general, your audience is most suited for.

The kid one is easy. If they don’t have children, don’t gab on about the rate at which yours is growing, that he or she had six bananas on Tuesday and got their hair styled into a mohawk on Friday. If it’s relatable to a discussion you are already in, a quick mention will do.

Pets. As much as half the world can seem like they are animal lovers, half the world only means there’s another half. Fur, tricks and whiskers are not for everyone.

People like to relate to whatever comes out of your mouth. If you’re speaking of your international travels when they have merely gone to the big shopping mall 4 hours away, chances are it’s a short circuit of a conversation.

Find someone in your life that really loves fashion, so when you have an outfit predicament, you’re going to them and not the one who wears scrubs for a living AND outside of living.
If you need to get marital issues off your chest, ( obviously a marriage counsellor is an option )  find the friend that has went through similar problems and can benefit from talking to YOU about such things.

You’ll find the bonds between new people you meet will manifest easily and quickly and that existing relationships will be strengthened ten fold.


Living a Livable Life

How do we do it?

We worry and stress less.
We recognize that struggles make us stronger
and we believe in that.

Over and over again.

We understand we are changing beings,
and we strive to be better and better
all the while
cultivating our productivity in life by
loving who we are.

We stop talking badly about others.
We start our responses on positive notes.
we watch our language, our tone,
and make listening, and I mean REALLY listening,
not eyes on phone screen listening
the only way we listen.

We respect others’ space,time, circumstances, opinions
We respect that they are here
like us
but not like us at all.

We communnicate better
until we are communicating our best.

We do everything better
until we are doing it the best

and we understand we fail
and that trying is living
and we allow ourselves to fall
and we always get back up.

We always get back up.

We stop trying to rule the world,
we want less
and want to be more.

To always strive to be more
until we are the most
then we be more of most.


That’s how we make living



Your Furry Wurry

Saturday night I lost my phone in my pile of clothes and it was turned off when I found it the following morning.

We had been texting Saturday night  and had exchanged a few phone calls between us so that when three am rolled around and you hadnt heard from me in over two hours, your worry ( and mind you, drunkeness ) had you calling my dad, my mom, my sister and messaging my brother on facebook, asking where I was or how I was.

You talked to both my dad and my mom and my sister in the wee hours of the morning.

That does feel pretty good.
All though I dislike how I worried you.
It’s just kinda nice that you made the effort to find out.

The next night you’re drunk and I’m not and you text me at 8pm and type ‘ I fricking love you my dear. Please take care of yourself and I will take care of me. ‘

And a few hours later you call me and we talk for nineteen minutes and you are in a joking mood and you make me laugh and you say ‘ i frickin miss you Jen’.
” I miss you too”
” I miss you more, i guarentee you that Jenny”

And you have surgery this Wednesday and you said ‘ you’re going to come over and take care of me right? You promise?”

And i gladly say yes yes yes! But more like a calm yes came out.

Unless I Am Asked

It feels weird to talk about my son. I don’t know whether that’s a good thing or not.
Specially with my sister.
two weeks ago, I made the conscious decision to go on this giant ramble of what Zeek used to do and funny cool things he did and does, and a few ways of how I go about things with him.
Mid-say I realized that It felt weird-that it wasn’t something I did often-and that I almost didn’t like it,based on there quiet reactions. And I had wondered if they find it weird that I don’t talk about him like that, that often.
I know it is more odd with my sister because she is around kids all day. I know she is interested in Zeek and his growth and ability, but it seems less rewarding telling it to her, when I’m thinking of all the kids she is mentally comparing him to. I do know a good portion of that thought process is all me, and that she really doesn’t do that. But I have a hard time sometimes, not thinking that Zeek is just another kid she takes care of.
I’ve never been big on the tellings of milestones- I’ve kept track of a lot of them- but they have never seemed so worthless as they have with my sister.Again, mostly my warped creation with my feelings the only valid thing, and the rest,untrue. Haha.

Sure I am proud of him and find him hilarious at times. Sure I am impressed and over joyed at points, but I don’t often express that with anyone.
I think living away for two years is a part of that. But I also think it’s how I am about having a child.
I try and be careful about mentioning Zeek with friends that do not have children. And that’s practically all of them.

I’ve wondered if it’s healthy. If I should be more talkative and praising of him with others. I don’t agree that the amount at which you talk about your kid depicts the level of love u have for them. But I do wonder if my family thinks I am dettatched or unconnected with Zeek because of it. That I don’t seem to care about his accomplishments or his personality.

Coming here, I won’t deny that my bond with him has felt threatened. And it is obvious to me as to why.
But it still feels yuck at times.
It’s like I ‘have’ to push myself to spend even more time with him because I’m afraid he’ll start liking everyone else more. Which i know is a natural feel. And I understand it. I have to be careful that resentment doesn’t start driving towards him either,because of it.

I also believe that questions have a lot to do with it. People rarely ask me about him. About certain things I feel about things he does. About being a parent. About why I think he does that or how did i get him to be like this or is it just because that’s what he’s like. And why.

I go into detail about some things, I talk a lot or in circles about a subject, but I don’t think I often sprout something new or in depth about personals unless I am asked.
I won’t go into specifics about an evening unless I am asked. I won’t talk about the dynamics of my family or my relationships, unless I’m asked.
It’s not to say I never do. I just don’t think I do often.

On the other end, some people go about conversing differently. ‘if a person wants to talk about it or say something about anything, than the person would or will’
Which to me, seems like a healthier way..

I have a feeling that why I’m like this stems from the way I’ve communicated in the past. At some point- I think just after highschool, I discovered a nugget of truth- That showing an interest in an individual -asking them questions about what they had told me, was what people really enjoyed. I did that for so long that it eventually became a part of me and has made it natural for me not to discuss often-the inner workings of my brain.
I do feel I am really open and if asked anything, I feel free to talk about it.
I also am aware that it’s not all a good thing. It shouldn’t be like trying to pry open a vault. People can tire easy.
People can be lazy.
Getting to know someone can take effort and I don’t think I make it easy for people who feel they shouldn’t have to ask any. Or people who don’t want to at all.

There are times I get down about the lack of perseverance in people. It is usually short lived because I believe I am being too demanding. That just because I have built walls over the years, doesn’t mean everyone else has the intent to bust through them.

But in this unconscious wall making I have discovered a very obvious negative. As I have changed over the years, so has whats behind the walls. There used to be ballrooms-tall, airy and bright.
But with less talking, I created cellars. A place where hiding things was easy. Sure I have a conscience, but to me, these cellar doors have always been open.
It gets a bit twisted.
I don’t blame people at all for who I am.
But they are a vital part of who I have become.
The negatives included. People make it easy to hide things. Because of them, I have been able to store things. Things that are cobwebbed in my brain, but are like new and rustfree in my heart.
I wonder if they are even walls I have built.
Or just a division between me and others. I know that I would rather spill without command. That I would rather tell things without being asked.
I know i have went thru stages of working on this in the past.
Telling without being prompted.

Sometimes I think I expect too much from people. That I’m expecting them to know the intricacies of me and whoever else, quicker than is even possible.
sometimes I am caught up in my own sense of self,that people not knowing how to be a certain way with me, makes me sad.
Like they should know or something.
Sometimes I feel as if I am just waiting, begging,for someone to put me in a jar full of questions.
Questions that will be difficult to answer, not because I don’t know what they are, but because i do.

The Importance in Questions

This week I figured out why I value questions.
They are important to me because it is the way that I reveal myself.
I became interested in communication in highschool. I didn’t know it then, but that is what was happening. I realised that people like to talk and that there are a lot more talkers out there then listeners. And I’m a people pleaser.
So I became quiet and listened and didn’t say much.
Until I’ve reached this point in my life where I’m making things more difficult because I am not speaking.
“Why didn’t you just tell me that then?”
“Because you didn’t ask me.”
” I thought you would just tell me whatever you wanted. You know I want to hear anything you have to say.”

I have had these conversations numerous times. With my old best friends.

I know I have tried to be better. To assert myself and to give out information freely.
But it is so easy to not.
It is so easy to sit back and glide with the current of all the others.
It sounds terrible. I know.
But I learn a lot this way.
I learn a lot about myself.

I learn how naive people can be. How much they can not not know about their ‘friend’.

My friends don’t know who I am anymore as a result of my silence.
I’ve been open. I’ve been free and fine to tell people a lot of things.
But they haven’t asked me.

So I find myself in this room of doubt.
Maybe I don’t want them to know these things about me.
It has started to become way too comfortable. It has become something I use.
Guilt becomes less of a threat because noone is asking me things that make me feel it.
To make me turn in on myself.

It is a dangerous place but this is how I came to the understanding of why questions are important to me.
Now what.

How we Could Be

i think sometimes we underestimate the power of a smile. i think
sometimes we know that we should of smiled.

i think there are a lot of things we do and do not do,
things that irritate us when others do them or dont do.
we do them unknowenly.
this is because we are people.

we should probably hold more doors open and ask more questions.
we should learn to listen better too.because we all know thats partly
how people determine your care.
we should give out more compliments.
we know how they make us feel.

when it comes to our parents,we can always be nicer to them.we can
always be more present with them, our siblings and our relatives.
i think our patience and our understanding could use a little
maintence work every once in awhile-so that we are able to stretch
further and become more tolerable.

we need to learn how to turn to our inner core and get loose in
situations.  to not be so rigid and unbendable. To adapt with good heart.
we need to let others reach us, to connect and relate.
we ought to be more aware and in tune with their struggles; even our
own. to become more knowledgable with people and how they work.
communication is an art able to be bettered.

we should try and be more expressive with how we feel towards others,
towards ourselves. really knowing who we are as an individual is the
biggest part in living a full life. but this is a never ending task.
it is something we should take the paperwork for-everywhere we go.

i think we should take more time to colour in colouring books and play
hide and seek. i think we should climb more trees. To exercise more
often. we should probably eat slower and eat less to.
we could try and figure out the things that make us feel better about
ourselves, and actively do more of that.we could consciously reward
ourselves for the accomplishments we achieve too.
things should probably be more in moderation in our life than they
but not smiles.
smiles are best left unlimited. smiles are like
what water is to trees. smiles soak into peoples souls as it does into
the ground. roots suck up this liquid treat like people suck up the
smirks and the grins. no matter the soil, skin colour or disablility,
water and smiles sow seeds of happiness. where the leaves fall, where
the smiles land, new beauty and new energy are sure to grow.
so within all these things we could do, let a smile be the permenent
backdrop, let it be behind everything we do. if we need to focus on it
and nothing else, do so. it is repetition that will make these
actions ones we don’t think twice about.
it will become our bark and our branches. apart of us in every way.