Frozed Up Mouth

I had my tooth pulled today.
It was infected.

None of it actually really hurt.
They froze the left side of my jaw.
That was the first time tears started falling into my ears.
And I couldn’t get the motion to speak figured out.
It was the uncontrol. The fact that these two ladies ( professional ) could like rip my lip off or stab my gum, or switch my teeth around in there. I was helpless to their help.

The second time I cried was when I felt the flurry of there hands through my clenched eyes, and the pressure and pull. And I couldn’t breathe quite right. It was running breath I couldn’t slow to a walk and it was because I just felt that this was more difficult then they anticipated. Sharp intake of breath and I sat up in the seat and within 20 seconds my hyperventilation was over and I layed still, clenching a kleenix. Oh how I wished I brought my sons favourite stuffy.

But I got through it.
Now I sit with gauze and blood and frozen.

I Arrive Here

You do not complete me. 
I am a whole strong individual without you. If you die before me, I will still be here.

I am capable of making myself happy. I can make myself laugh, smile and cry.
I don’t need your love to feel full,
I have my own love
for me. 

And I love to dance with me.

You are not my life. I am my own.
I am beautiful standing alone. 

I do not need you in my life.

I want you.
I choose to want you.

I choose to put my time,energy and love towards you.
I am choosing to let your life be a part of mine.
I am choosing to spend my life with yours.  

I choose to love you
because now,
I am able. 

I am finally whole on my own.

Get Weak

I don’t remember feeling this emotional over a grey squirrel or from seeing water spray up from the concrete waterpark floor, onto my sons underpanted kid body.

I don’t remember when I felt like this last; listening to songs I just learned. I feel I’m an emotional ball of sheeps wool. I feel weak with life.

I feel fricking weak with life.

Maybe we get so stuck on being strong. On holding our ground, landmarking our opinions and building them onto even higher grounds. But you know, I think it’s pretty darn special to get weak.

To let life kind of fill you up with oats of tears and to sit in that bowl and just, cry for how happy sad things can be.

Because feeling is a gem.

Feeling is a wonderful.

Put down your muscles and let yourself get weak with life.

My Parents Anniversary

My parents anniversary is next month.
Something like 35 years.

Over the holidays of 2012, my father opened the mailbox and found divorce papers.

I was at my Aunts when my sister called.
She told me to call Mom.
So I called Mom.
Mom was 2 hours away.In a hotel.
Mom said maybe I shouldn’t go home.

I did
and spoke nothing of divorce to my Father.
He was quiet. And paced the floors like a natural professional.
And we didn’t go any nearer the topic.

He left the next morning. For Brazil.

My mom wanted him to get the papers before he left.
She did it without even telling him.

He came back earlier than planned. Before I left for Thailand.
And Mom and I sat in the basement as he entered the house and I went up to meet him and then he came down and I sat again and he stood and he began to cry.
He looked us in the eyes and said, ‘ I don’t want to leave ‘.
Our hearts crumbled together and we didn’t say much and I felt compassion and love and I wanted my parents to talk it through. .
So they did.

And that is why they will be able to celebrate there 35th anniversary next month.