It Must Mean Love

This afternoon I had a very functioning thought:

‘ It’s not going to happen, we’re not going to be together until the day I drive by your house and I see you sitting outside.

Then, depending on how much one another wants it to happen, I will drive by your house according to that, and you will sit outside according to that. ‘

 

And then outside of this thought I think, ‘

Well then we would be driving and sitting in those spots as often as we could.’

 

 

This is What I Give You

We spent more consecutive and planned time together these past three days than we have in five months.

And it’s because we knew the rest of the gift was coming.

We were dating-past free- for the weekend.
Dinner and desserts and movie and conversations about everynothings- all the things we know our hearts ache to have from one another. We gave in to simplicity and let ourselves forget our mess.

We let ourselves get good and deep and lost.

 

 

I’m not giving up,
I’m just tired of words that don’t carry any meaning and tired of actions that are only giving way to the us in the past.

 

 

My gift is my love.

 
And I’m choosing time apart.

 

 

We’re to focus on getting better individually.

 

 

 

To a Better You,

 

 

A Better Me.
And perhaps,
a Better Us.

 

 

 

Dangerous Change of Pace

I felt this one coming.
I saw a friend on Thursday last week- knowing I needed that interaction.

The next day I know I needed more. It’s the long weekend after all and there are weddings and my ex is attending one of them and people are doing stuff-doesn’t even have to sound fun but STUFF- and here I am on the Friday and Saturday nights in bed at 930pm with my computer and flavoured water.
So when everyone is busy and I have noone I can find,
I crumple.

I am alone in all of this and if my thoughts are around, they can go absolutely hay wire.
I question myself.

Here is what the inside of my brain has looked like the past 48 hours inbetween the dead pauses of nothingness:

‘ I just want to forget this all ever happened. I want to move on easily. I should be able to do that, I’m pretty, I’m funny, I’m a quirk. There was never any problem of finding anyone before. What if everyone is getting snatched up, and I’m going to be that single 40 year old Mom alone. And doesn’t that mean my intentions are wired all wrong. I just want to be in a healthy functioning relationship and that tweaks everything. My standards drop and anyone that is a decent candidate, I’ll go for. But that’s not how I want to be. I just want to take my time, that’s what I should be doing. Letting time pass and being stable. Well why can’t I be stable. Because I’m stuck in the past relationship. Why should I be stuck? He lied about the things that supposedly  happened. He’s been mean to me and I’ve dropped more than half of my pre existing life for him and that wasn’t enough.I can’t make him believe me anymore. He has to believe me for himself.’

And in those thoughts, anger boils in. I’m guessing this is part of the grieving process and I am timid to feel this because I know I’m pushing it to make it easier and that at the same time I want to not want to not be with him, I know I do. But:

‘ Why should I watch him continue on his life with his giant family surrounding him and supporting him while I am a hermit, feeling sorry for myself. It’s okay to be with people now. You left a lot of people but I think it’s time to find them again. If only for a boost back into the world. You’ve hesitated to do this.. ‘

because you thought, ‘ I can’t step back into those old ways with other people, it’s alright to take some time away.I  need to be happy with myself first. The way I used people before, was wrong.’

But GIRL:

‘I don’t have to go about them the same way do I. I can be upfront and tell them my intentions. I don’t have to be 20 years old again. I’m 7 years older and I won’t do it the same way. It CAN be done differently you know! ‘

I love myself and am happy with myself but I need to get out there and feel that validation. I am vulnerable and weak and I don’t see any other way. I’ve tried other ways as it is. No drinking, church, reading, exercise..
I need that healthy attention and that is perfectly normal and I shouldn’t stop myself from getting it just because I’m waiting on my ex. I need to feel better. I need to get into a better position.
And if that means putting my foot out there into familiarity with a twist, I have to do it even if I don’t want to do it. I’m still hooked on him remember? I may feel wrong for doing it because of him, but I have to do it for me.

‘ You turned away from this method because it wasnt fair to him and because you didn’t want to slip into the previous ways it was before him.’ 

‘ But… you don’t have to make it the same way!! Those people have changed too and will view the friendship differently!’

Desperative thoughts calls for measure I am unsure of. I won’t know until I try.
I need to get out of this rut big time or I’m going to sink in it.

 

 

 

 

 

And then the boat of my brain thinks….

 

 

‘ What if I got back together with my ex in Thailand?? ‘

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Oh faackaloo.

 

 

 

 

So Here’s How It Works?

27 years old and basically single. I say basically because I’m still hung up on my ex and want no one else. It’s like I’m still dating him in my heart and thoughts.
But the men can’t see that when they look at me. It’s not like I’m wearing a ring on that finger. ( And if I were, does it matter much these days? )

Anyhow,
most my age tend to be in a serious relationship, ( married, engaged,dating 4 years ) have a child, living away from their parents..
I’ve noticed this not with the lack of, but with the  LOT OF — older men stepping into my space.

40 to 50 year olds’ who have a child or two, divorced or in the process, alone.
They recognize that I’m older than 17 and carry myself confidently.
I think they can tell I’m open. That talking to them doesn’t weird me out.

So when Guy stops by my co workers place to ask about me and another Guy comes in on Mothers Day to bring me flowers, it kind of hits me that I’m attracting the older because all the ones my age are with someone and that marriages or long term relationships end before one is 40 and then that person struggles to find a woman that is single and the same age and….?

At least, that’s how it works in my life right now.

 

Any of you girls have the same issues?

 

 

Well you give me heart eyes

Your stardom blows the seconds into memories I want to keep.
To feel your arms around my sides, your hands delicatly holding my chin in place
while your lips tease mine.

I am not afraid of you, nor the feelings for you that I have.
Your indecisive mixed barrel of emotions versus mentality
has you stuck.
This I see.

Therefore my strategy, my position, is also caught up
in some kind of dance, inbetween two places and uncoordinated.

I still smell you on my sweater. The one your sister gave me when I visited her.

Oh Time, I’ll live through you and by you
because I have no other choice- but please,
sink into who my heart shaped eyes are for,
be on my side.

 

You Were Partial

I made pulled chicken today. I told you I was going to come by to drop some off around a certain time if it was okay with you.
It was.

You were outside with doggy and a cup of coffee still in your work clothes

waiting for me.
I hugged you, you were partial.
Hesitant.
Different.
You smiled your shy smile
and your body language was like
you didn’t want me to be there
but your smile, I know that smile
it said otherwise.

 

The day before I was sitting on your lap our arms intertwined
while you fell asleep and I listened to you snore.

What can I expect. This position sucks and I can’t ask too much from it.

Believing in The Stuff

I’m believing in love for the first time since I’ve ever thought more than 23 seconds about it.
Because I have to.
That doesn’t exactly sound right does it.

He says he loves me
and I believe in my love for him.

But HIS love, is going to be the dictator of what happens with us.
So after all my misunderstandings and denials and ‘ I love yous’ when I wasn’t committed, well yeah,
it makes this the ultimate love by far.

Even though I believed in others love for me before, this means the most because this is the person that knows me the most.
Others saw and loved what they were given. And it wasn’t all of me.

So all in all I’m saying that love is only at it’s truest most bestest, when you know that person knows all of you and they still want to be around you and tell you they love you.  That’s the stuff you can believe in. 

 

 

You’res The Thinkable

 

I’ve told you before I wouldn’t give up or down
I would only give the cares of the world to have you mine
and I’ve got small hopeful moments here but not a lot of time.

You’re the ritz to that cracker and the works to the fire.
And you give me that movement, like you know how to
and I’ve got a battle of slogans and a heart race for you.

You are all the seasons of my world,  standing on and in sight
Just fall into what you resist my gentle oak
and remember, listen to what I speak and not what I spoke.

 

My beauty, you’re out there and you’re thinking too much.