Half dazed with half the sleep dust in the crevices of my half open eyes
sitting on the back porch with the blue jays tweeting without the use of cellphones
talking in depth with Father about our life situations
and it will be so deep of a conversation I could dive in at the shallow end and still not hit bottom.
Oh Saturday mornings once in a blue sunshine of a day
they impact whole heartedly.
I was always able to have girlfriends if I wanted them.
I just remember them being meaner. Pickier. Gossiped a lot.
I was shy and didn’t care for that.
I kind of was a tom boy. Up until 8 years ago.
I disliked the colour pink and cried when my Mom made me wear frilly dresses to church.
Over the years I could tell I related better to the boys.
Yeah, it had the extra bonus of attention of the opposite sex, but I didn’t even think like that at the time. It really did make more sense for me to be around the ones that were more like me.
I’m not like the woman on the tv show ‘ The Bachelor’ who all the other ladies hate. No, no, no. By far not the case. I’m likable. I will say that girls have felt jealousy towards me- even my own two best friends ( who are still my best friends ( not jealous anymore though ) ) and that most of the time, I didn’t realize this was so until after the fact.
I feel more comfortable and at ease with a male.
But Not so much today. In fact, I am trying to branch out and get my feet better suited for female grounds. For I know in my next relationship I will only have female companions. That’s what I want.
So this swings back around to my desire to birth and raise a boy.
I feel like I understand them better. I’m more familiar and attuned to them.
They make more sense to me.
Having a girl actually scared me. I feel that I wouldn’t have been as good of a Mother, had I had a girl. Truly. I feel like I would have had less patience and been more mean.
Now I’ll be okay with having a girl.
I feel very very fortunate to have had the boy I so very much desired.
Thank you egg and sperm and timing and whatever else the heck makes up the sex of a child.
How many Moms’ out there don’t think you deserve your child?
I rarely brag about my son. I barely even talk about him with others.
When his teacher says stuff to you about him that you haven’t heard her say to any other mother, and you KNOW she means it,
it all clicks into place.
He’s beautiful. He’s loving. He’s emotional.
” He loves you.”
” You feel that connection with him, don’t you.” And you know that. You know he loves you.
And to think,
I was going to end my life because ‘it sucked’.
He deserves a Mom that loves life like he loves her.
And that’s ME.