It is today and because I wrote down everything that went on at what time a year ago, I have been going hour by hour on what has happened so far.
In 12 minutes a year ago, I will see my doctor for the first time that day. And she will check and say ‘ yeah, you could have the baby today, we can do it today’.
And all these things make my eyes go glossy because as hard as I try and believe it has been a whole 12 months, it does not run to completion in my head.
I sit here with a party hat on and the pretty pink gown I wore when I gave birth. I made the decision today that I will always wear this gown on this day.
Many mixed feelings as I watch my son roam. I am still getting over the fact we were across the world a few days ago and so I am numb and emotional all at the same time.
Many firsts in life, but there is never more than one first of anything.
And that is what makes it so gosh darn special.
Something special happens in every single day of our lives.
For some, it may be that first conscious breath they take every time they wake up, for some it may be the fact they run 18 miles in an hour and twenty minutes.
It can deal with the same goal or involve different people or ideas. It can be anything you want it to be.
It is all based on perspective.
Today my special was hearing a piano.
It echoed throughout the soi’s* in the village.
So that I could hear it down almost every single one.
It was like it had no home- that it was everywhere in the air.
And I breathed in deeply and the music notes went right to my toes.
Five years ago I probably wouldn’t have thought this would be a special.
Pianos are rare in Thailand due to the humidity. Other than in the music store I have only seen one. In a hotel.
I think it’s important to find your special within the day. It is not just something that separates that day from the next, it also brings in valuable appreciation.
Find your daily special for happier days and ultimately, a better life.
Do you ever find that somedays are extra goodly good? You wake up and there really is no specific reason that comes to your head about why today feels so gosh darh lovely. If you look a bit closer maybe you can assemble the pieces for this. You got a good sleep, you’re excited to eat bacon as usual and the sky is bright. Maybe it is breezy outside and breeze to you, always counts as adventure.
Maybe its because your baby is in good spirits and has you laughing. Maybe because you bought a pile of groceries the night before and know you picked up those special soft nantucket cookies that are sensational to eat!
So many little things that can add to the goodness feel. Sometimes we forget that just being with our significant other is what makes us happy. When we become so used to things being around us, we forget that we’d be unhappy without it. Like breath. We all take that for granted. We all forget about it. But things like the capability of playing guitar, or interacting with others in a conversation.. the way we can smell the neighbours cooking there breakfast or hear the kids riding there bicycles around.
And it really is kind of sweetly so to think about when I tell you that today, the day I write and post these words, is not one of these good days. I awoke with a cold and had a yuckified sleep with split minutes of wake throughout. Nose has ran all morning but yet,
I write of good things, because sometimes,
that is the specific that can help make today feel so gosh darn lovely.
A lot of life changes when you have a baby. But I think I’m still in the process of feeling like a mother. It’s like a new last name. Doesn’t feel quite like yours until you write it down enough and use it.
You see. There’s a secret in my life that only my parents and best friend know.
We signed on May 2nd here in Thailand. We didn’t even have a ceremony for it so it was far from romantic. But there was a beauty to it that you can’t just get anywhere.
We were planning on getting married the year after, and planned to have kids then- but baby Zeek wanted to come in the year of the dragon! My year!
The reason not many know this is because I want to be able to go through all that engagement stuff and plan a wedding. I fear it will take away from the experience if everyone knows I have already signed my life away!
Now Zeek has a Canadian passport and is awaiting the approval of his citizenship. He also holds a Thai passport and eventually will have a British one. I will to.
I don’t feel married to Morgan, specially without the ring, but on the occasion that we must expose our secret, part of me warms up.
And I suppose that’s probably what it’s like for any woman after they get married. Words like ‘ my hubby’ are used often and there is an excited accent to all conversation that drives towards the marriage. Understandably so.It’s a big commitment. I’ve steered away from those words for I truly want our ‘wedding day’ to be when we become husband and wife.
When that day actually arrives, in which we celebrate getting married, I’m certain all those new feelings will arise. It will feel more official even though signing papers is the most official thing you can do on a wedding day!
In both cases, the big day has happened. I don’t feel like a mother, nor do I feel married but if enough time goes by, those roles will root themselves deep.
For now, I’ll live in the channel of the unfelt title and stretch about, because of course, never ever, will I ever not be either a mother or a wife.
I love you more than all the dust sparkles under my bed.
I think about you everyday, times over again.
And when the light begins to find the green of our earth,
and the birds begin the first notes of the day,
I hover a smile onto my pillow and stretch all the right strings to
make exactly the right melody for the day.