Stop Looking For Yourself

I don’t fully understand the whole finding out who we are thing.
We have opinions and morals, we have our perspectives and positions, our perception and our values.
Yet
all those are capable of changing.

A 25 year age difference between partners is incredibly wrong to me.
Then I
live in a city where relationships like that are seen everyday.
At first it is weird, uncomfortable and even embarrassing.
In time,
I understand it and it becomes less wrong and more of just the way that it is and eventually, I am happy that I’m an individual that knows it exists.
Moral grounding for that, no matter how ingrained it was in my childhood, evaporates.

And I am then, one idea different.

You see,
we don’t need to go looking for ourselves.

We’re made up of time and experience. Of people, places and animals. Interactions and poor choices and good choices and feelings and learning.

We can have ideas, recognize patterns in our behavior and know our skills and comfort zones. We can know our boundaries, the foods that taste the best in our mouth and the colour that dazzles the greatest in our eyes.

But when you think you’ve found yourself, you’ll just find that there’s more to find. You aren’t a solid .
We just use that idea of finding ourselves because it’s less scary then admitting we’re all just lumps of experience.

And what is life but experience after experience.

So embrace that and kinda just let yourself be a fun, malleable heart beat.
Resisting life is the worsty thing you can do when all it needs you to do, is be.

And how do you be?

 

You be well, by meaning well.

 

 

 

We Are Like A Toddler in a Car Seat

We are all like toddlers in car seats. Toddlers who don’t understand that they are being driven to playgrounds, birthday parties where there is cake and treat bags and other kids to play with. Life is the car and we’re actually the driver but sometimes we’re an upset kid who is yelling because we don’t know where it is we are actually headed.
Next time you’re completely busted up because all plans broke loose and where your life might take you next is now not as certain as it once was, remember the toddler in the backseat whining to go back home, refusing to listen to any factual jarble they are being told while they’re on route to a park with slides,swings and cool shizzle like that.

Don’t assume you’re travelling to a prison. Unless your handcuffed and wearing a full coloured jump suit that doesn’t in the least, flatter your skin tone.

Swerving into Happy

I’m actually kind of sad right now.
Actually no.
I’m really sad.
So I’m gonna bring myself up by typing out this lovely posty for me!
for you!
for your diaper wearing toddlers and the people that surround you daily. Okay-so maybe they’re the same thing..but za point is, your happiness affects all the zones in your life!

It makes perfect sense to me! Life does. I believe it does and because I believe that and understand that I will falter in that belief occasionally, it makes it all easier.

Today I started wondering why I feel like I’m still 20. I’ve felt 20 for six years now. Whatzupwifdat.

Welp folks, my conclusion today.. it’s not that I can put on nailpolish any better-because I for the life of the cat I don’t have, can’t- it’s likely because I’m making the same darn tootin’ poor decisions!
For gorsh sakes!

I’m all for being young and pouncy and giving heart a wide berth of understanding to all ages, but some of the decisions you consistently made when you were younger shouldn’t be ones pattering up your adult years.
They have a much bigger impact and long lasting affects. And likely to more than just you.  We’re kinda supposed to be more responsible now, right?

I guess this morning I just gots to tinking of all dis and got down on myself.
But yuh know what, writing this post has been like rain to the dry flowers.
If being so postive in any ridiculous sucky life situation makes me laugh, I think I’ll do that.
As long as my learning will be.

Less and Less it Becomes

In my past I thought of the present a lot.
Or: I thought of my future with the people at that present in it and did not carefully assess what my actions would do to their future in mine.

This means I made decisions without consulting my conscience, without letting it work.
The best friends I had around me, loved me through it all.
Maybe that’s why it kept being easy to make those choices.

Until it wasn’t anymore.

Until someone stopped wanting to be with me because of my poor decisions.

I’ve had to take responsability for decisions in the past. Do the time.
But not specifically dealing with this character trait of mine. This gigantic part I have created, that is a part of me and becoming less and less of me all the time.

When I make the decisions to walk away from something I wouldn’t have in the past. To look forward and think, ‘ No, I’d like to protect myself and be this better being and in order to get that result, I need to walk away now. ‘
Continual choices that make that part of me less and less,
makes such an excellent feeling inside these bones
like I am slowly letting myself free
with guidelines I am aware of and that I desire to follow.

Funny how being free can mean following rules.
As I am letting a part of me finally go, I am shaping into something else.
And I can feel it’s breath breathing soul into me.

 

 

 

 

 

A Trip Home?

I’m thinking about making a trip back home.
I was just back there for the holidays six months ago…
And husband and I agreed we wouldn’t go in the winter again.
I was excited for the snow and chill and igloos, but bundling up a three month old ( at the time ) and worrying about keeping him warm every hour minute sure made that miss dissipate quickly.
So we won’t be going back this winter. Which means Summer would be the next Season to greet us in my country.

My dude turned nine months old yesterday which as I read, is the month that stranger anxiety peaks. My entire family is a stranger to him.

And a 12 hour flight on top of a six hour one.
I’ve done it before. Alone even too. But baby didn’t need six noisy toys to distract, baby hadn’t discovered the top of his vocal chords, baby didn’t even care about me all that much.

We shall see!

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