Inside Out

Inside I’m a field. A rolling expanse of soil.
And I choose my seeds wisely. Most of the time.
Inside out, I am Choice.
Beyond the body of me, there is Weather. And whatever I choose to expose myself to, determines the growth of my seedlings.

I reach for the sunshine naturally, the warmth and the feel good feels. I reach for the butterflies and the sight of green on trees.
And as Weathers’ temperament is, sometimes it rains.
And as I am, sometimes it is not what I want to happen.
But as we know, water makes life grow.

When Weather accumulates in a corner, I may not be able to escape it’s raw and turbulent stupor. Yet I am Choice. I can create what to do with the uncontrol. I can let rain dampen my spirit, to let snow crust me over with dark solitude and way too much comfort food.

I can also choose to make blanket forts and bake with fruit. I can make an array of paper boats and float messages down to my monster truck neighbors. When I choose positive feelings my fields within are colourful, ever-blooming and ever confident. They will receive my interpretation of the unpredictable Weather and be growing in a happy environment.
And me as Choice? I’ll be feeding off of that.
Inside Out, the Beautiful Cycle.

 

 

Changing the Basis of our Decisions

I have lived my whole life making decisions based solely on two things.
Feelings and
What I want.

And frankly,
it won’t surprise me if you’ve done the same thing.

It is a terrible backing for a life frame.
You know why ?

Because feelings change and what we want isn’t always the best for us.
Because we won’t stay married if we are always choosing with our feelings.
Because we continue to want even after getting what we wanted.

We will never be satisfied if we choose with these two things as our main reasons.

Feelings are important and need to be validated.  This is for certain. But we don’t need to act on them to do this.Heck, who knows where we would all be if we acted on every single feeling we had.

Which brings me to my next fact: There ARE some behavioral limits we have set without even knowing. We ARE capable of not acting on our feelings.

So why then, must we continually put feelings and wants at the forefront of our decision making?

  •  It’s the easiest. We don’t have to think about why; it’s enough just to know we feel this certain way.
  •  Less stressful.
  •  It’s usually justified. We place so much importance on our feelings that NOT following them feels wrong.
  •  It makes the most sense to us.

A few things happen when we choose like this.

  • A bad habit forms.
    It becomes that other peoples feelings start to matter less. Our first instinct isn’t to think about how it will make the other person feel or to think of what they would want.
  • We become selfish and self absorbed and guess what. We don’t even know it because we’re going off our feelings and our feelings aren’t..ever wrong. People in our lives will eventually recognize the pattern;that their happiness comes below ours. Every Single Time.

Another problem when we choose based on feelings:

  • We expect them to stay the same.
    But that’s just the thing. Feelings DO change.
    I believe there’s this misconception in relationships that yes, we’re aware there’s going to be tough times ahead, but that we’ll still feel love for them or care for them in those times. When in reality, you won’t. That’s when choosing to love your partner regardless of how you FEEL at that time, is such an important, conscious decision to make. 
  •  Unresolved issue. It’s not an easy task and it’s why so many of us opt for the feeling route. If we feel upset, directly correlated to that feeling is the desire to remove ourselves from the situation. Often times, this just dormants the problem and eventually, another similar episode will bring it to the surface.

We need to assess how we are making the majority of our decisions. And if a lot of them are founded on feelings and desires, to rewire that.

Into logic or common sense. To practicality or rational. For the consideration of others. For long-term prospects or security.

Once we start the shift, it will get easier.

 

 

 

Life Suggests

Take a few minutes to go through your bras and re strap them so they fit properly. Over time they loosen and before you know it, we’re wearing a bra that isn’t supporting us.  That’s something that has long term affects.

Give away or sell clothes you don’t feel nice in. All those sweats and big sweaters? I know it’s getting colder but ridding yourself of some of these over sized comfortables will make you less inclined to overeat.

If you’re someone who likes things to LOOK at least slightly organised and in place, this ones for you. When you’re getting ready to go out and clothes and make up and papers get put in all the wrong spots and you’re in a hurry and you’re whipping around trying to put your sweaters back into the closet and your folders back into the drawers and books on the shelf… Just don’t.
Get better at walking away from a messy room in these times. The world ain’t gonna slenderize into oblivion and you sure as heck only gonna have to reapply your makeup and deodorant with sweating so much. Let cleaning up come after your outing and if you can’t handle that, then start getting ready earlier!

Always put water in your smoothie cups and hot chocolate mugs. If any dish has the potential to crust up hard after sitting in the sink for awhile, rinse it first. Even though it has to wait a bit longer to get the full washing, you’ll save yourself some serious scrub time.

Try reading a book or magazine before bed instead of watching a screen. It’s easier to get to sleep that way.

Typing of books:

Who needs a book of daily jokes when you’ve got your past.Laugh at how ridiculous it is in how you got here. To this place you’re at right now. All the turns and corners and awful feelings and regret and guilt and choices in the past. Besides learning from it, what other good is it going to do just hanging around there.
They are little humored up jokes that you are capable of smiling at – even when you don’t feel like it. Treat your past like an annoying and sarcastic but absolute fundamental, best friend. It after all, is something that isn’t going anywhere.

 

 

 

 

 

Swerving into Happy

I’m actually kind of sad right now.
Actually no.
I’m really sad.
So I’m gonna bring myself up by typing out this lovely posty for me!
for you!
for your diaper wearing toddlers and the people that surround you daily. Okay-so maybe they’re the same thing..but za point is, your happiness affects all the zones in your life!

It makes perfect sense to me! Life does. I believe it does and because I believe that and understand that I will falter in that belief occasionally, it makes it all easier.

Today I started wondering why I feel like I’m still 20. I’ve felt 20 for six years now. Whatzupwifdat.

Welp folks, my conclusion today.. it’s not that I can put on nailpolish any better-because I for the life of the cat I don’t have, can’t- it’s likely because I’m making the same darn tootin’ poor decisions!
For gorsh sakes!

I’m all for being young and pouncy and giving heart a wide berth of understanding to all ages, but some of the decisions you consistently made when you were younger shouldn’t be ones pattering up your adult years.
They have a much bigger impact and long lasting affects. And likely to more than just you.  We’re kinda supposed to be more responsible now, right?

I guess this morning I just gots to tinking of all dis and got down on myself.
But yuh know what, writing this post has been like rain to the dry flowers.
If being so postive in any ridiculous sucky life situation makes me laugh, I think I’ll do that.
As long as my learning will be.

We Are All Just Learning

I think sometimes we forget that we actually have to learn stuff.

That we aren’t born with all these adequate features that make living seem like something we’ve done a hundred times over.

 

No. We have to learn behaviours, methods and techniques.We go through trial and error and gain knowledge by failure.

All of THAT, all of the above, takes TIME. It’s called Experience and sometimes it takes 4 of the same mistakes to get it right.

And thats okay.

As long as we are always trying to improve, we can’t be so hard on ourselves or each other. If we don’t embrace the times we mess up, we end up carrying around a whackload of weight that we haven’t learned anything from.

And what good are tomatoe seeds in our pocket, if we don’t know how to put them in the earth and grow them.
What good is weight, when we have the ability to soar.

Learn to learn,
and you’ll be yearning to learn more. 

 

 

Less and Less it Becomes

In my past I thought of the present a lot.
Or: I thought of my future with the people at that present in it and did not carefully assess what my actions would do to their future in mine.

This means I made decisions without consulting my conscience, without letting it work.
The best friends I had around me, loved me through it all.
Maybe that’s why it kept being easy to make those choices.

Until it wasn’t anymore.

Until someone stopped wanting to be with me because of my poor decisions.

I’ve had to take responsability for decisions in the past. Do the time.
But not specifically dealing with this character trait of mine. This gigantic part I have created, that is a part of me and becoming less and less of me all the time.

When I make the decisions to walk away from something I wouldn’t have in the past. To look forward and think, ‘ No, I’d like to protect myself and be this better being and in order to get that result, I need to walk away now. ‘
Continual choices that make that part of me less and less,
makes such an excellent feeling inside these bones
like I am slowly letting myself free
with guidelines I am aware of and that I desire to follow.

Funny how being free can mean following rules.
As I am letting a part of me finally go, I am shaping into something else.
And I can feel it’s breath breathing soul into me.

 

 

 

 

 

Life, I Choose You

You know that quote that goes something like this,: ‘ Don’t take life seriously, no one ever gets out alive anyways’.
How many times do you hear something but you don’t really understand it or believe it?
Well now, I finally get that statement.

I guess my crumple was not the idea of whether to live or die, but figuring out that I wouldn’t end my life. That I couldn’t do it.
So when I came to that conclusion I thought, well if I’m gonna be here, I’d be a little worthless big shit if I’m gonna make it miserable. And then I thought, Well, is it that easy, to make it fun and happy and create a life like that of when I was younger. That felt full of.. life?

And I thought long and hard. I was conflicted. I mean, life was always easy to me. Even the times I went through break ups or sad times, I was back up on my feet running. I was resilient because I had attention and people that I distracted myself with.

But then it covered me in a paste. Simple,rugged facts.

No, life is not easy.
I looked down on my brothers for taking medication to make them feel better about living.  Life is easy and fun. See?  Look at me?

And then,
I’m the one falling. I’m trying to get ground and I’m only slipping and falling down again and screaming at myself to a wall and hating and regretting my decisions and sad all over again because I was the one that was screaming at the wall

because of ME.

And I thought after my lungs were scratched and crisp, that if i could produce that much agony over the past that couldn’t be tampered with now, I could be that beautifully vengeful for my future that had yet to exist. That if i had the power to be that upset over my life thus far, I could be that happy for a life to come.

I may not have the attention I used to have. I may not have the people, the events, the three day weekends of drinking Vex and playing video games with my closest.. but I have love and life. I have choice. I have the power to become who I want to be, every single day. Being sad isn’t going to get me anywhere I want to go. Being sorry for my sadness doesn’t get me anything except a life not lived. I’m not 19 and I can’t go back to that. I refuse to want to anymore. Life is now. With me.

You don’t figure life out, it figures you out.
You don’t try and find life, you create it.

You don’t let life fucking kill you- because it will if you let it- you let life be like, ‘ hey now, there’s a fucking liver of beautiful.’

 

 

 

Too Much Assessment

I believe reassesment of life should be a regular thing. I also believe there is such a thing as too much of it. If there is a lot, it likely means instability, inability to commit, or driveless unmotivated desire to do anything with life. The decision to not choose. To not care.

Some may wonder why they don’t have the care. How they can see someone choosing to hold down three jobs to get the job they really want, and then see themselves as someone who doesn’t care about holding down any job at all.

You make your own life. You really do.
That’s why it’s important to figure out the things you like best in life and then use your mind,take action and make it work for you.

It’s alot easier to type it out then to do. I know that.
But acknowledgement is usually the first step towards any change in behaviour.

Some of us don’t know why we don’t care.
Maybe we used to care more and now we don’t. Maybe it is the other way around.

Life gets to me too much.
That’s where I’m coming from.

I care about the small things that I never used to. And I have bigger responsabilities as we all do as we get older. We’re supposed to do things that make us happy and as we get older, we tend to need more things for that to happen. Sad, but true. Whether it be alcohol, going to concerts,dining out, bowling, movies,games.
We need more to maintain a happiness we got much easier when we were younger.
Some of us struggle more with this fact than others.

What I’m really getting at is,

I’m reevaluating my life too much these days when I should just be living it.
To trust my own judgement with my new identity and believe and know, that that’s going to make me feel better about being my own self and holding down one job instead of three.

A Present Struggle for the Future

I’ve been away from home for five days; stopping in only to grab a change of clothes and a cup of yogurt.
Life is spinning and seems a bit far away when I think about it.
And when I don’t, I’m really in it. I’m really living it. Deep into the eyes of others and the words that float from there lips and it enhances everything around me.Everything that I do not think of.

I am immersed and focused and hazed out all at once.
I am happy. But I know my happy is a forward root. I am happy because of my present surroundings and what I want to do with it in the future.

I have great plans for the future with my present, but I am not implementing choices with the present that make that future.
And that is my biggest struggle in this present.