I Lived as a Child

I took myself away from myself.
I sacrificed the best parts of me, so that I could live loosely, irresponsibly and carelessly and make myself believe that was the only way I could be happy.
I knew I was lying to myself all those years. And I didn’t pull any of the better parts of me out , to change what I was.
I let myself get bigger, cry over the things I refused to handle, and stepped far in to the inability to deal with issues properly.
I knew all the right steps. I knew what I had to do, but I was too dependent on the darker side. By letting it consume me, I could feel less, be further away and disconnected from my tough choices.
I got too good at being so bad.

6 Years Ago I Knew It Would Eventually Explode

I don’t wonder how I got to this position in my life. Strictly dealing with relationships and not the firey one I’m in the continual process of adding gasoline to.
It makes entire sense to me knowing I am here because I have chosen it. I have chosen to be here. It sucks to admit but it feels good to. I’m taking responsibility. Not to say I’m not taking responsability for the other areas of my life. I just could foresee this one panning out the way it did.

I remember thinking years ago, from time to time that eventually, it was all going to blow up in my face. And this isn’t just a little ‘ I want my sucker NOW,’ blow up- I’m talking an entire life upheaval that I knew would have me on my knees and in bed for days. I didn’t eat a thing for TWO weeks, for goodness sake.   I knew this would happen back then but I told myself I would worry about it once it happened.
Afterall I knew I couldn’t go on forever with one foot in my relationships. I couldn’t keep lying – to myself or to others-till the end of time, but I didn’t know how to stop. So I kept choosing the bad – out of pure laziness I might add- settling myself with the fact that the blow up would change things.

And it has.

I used to think this space sucked. A LOT. But no. It’s just different. I haven’t experienced anything like this in my life. I’ve cried a lot, drank a lot, drank not a lot,danced a lot, cooked a lot, been alone a lot, read a lot, hated myself, loved myself, learned and growed… it’s been really shitty at times but motivating myself is kind of a cool feeling.

It’s silly that I had to have the initial push forced upon me. But that’s how I work. Or should say, USED to work.
I’m taking initiative and figuring that in the future I don’t need a big crash like this to kick my butt in gear.
I don’t love this place, no..but you know what guys, I would take this place over the place I was at, anyday. 

Life before the life crash: I was in denial. I made myself believe I was happy,carefree and full of friendship. But really, I was just livable to myself. 

 

 

 

Now I can say I’m lovable to myself.

 

 

 

 

 

 

And that’s a fact worth living.