Concrete Towers

War’d weathered feet, come stomping sideways up the green cliffs.
We didn’t think to find the solemn giggles here.
The cave puffs’ it’s ignorance, so shallow in the cove.
The flighted breath under canopy , from clouds to the throne.
Sweet dragon roll momentum, the blue plate something to peer for.
Royalist ground pepper fits underneath the sticks; so humble to be tuned.
Dialed with crumb fingers and dry mouth, the worth beaming from concrete towers.

For You

I’d break open each pistachio in the whole bag for you.
I’d crack open your 11 cans of beer, I’d,
I’d travel 73 blocks to grab you your favourite Thursday night chew.

I’d rub your back and your feet any night of the week.
You see, I would care for you in such a way, that I would believe it.

You Don’t Have To Know What You Want

It’s okay to not know what you want.
You may be under the impression that you are supposed to know. That knowing will make your life feel like it has some sense. That you have direction and a focus, a purpose.
And since all of the above is true when we really do know what we want, I think sometimes we fake it. We choose something that is similar, something that is more obtainable to us then the real thing. We want for the wrong reasons.
Sometimes we may even begin to believe that it is what we want.

That gets scary. And weird. Your whole being is off and you may find you are more unhappy then not. Maybe it is more subtle then that and you feel uneasy or hesitant to make decisions. Maybe you stress over conversations you’ve had in the day or are uptight about how you can’t crack an egg properly for the lives of you and your house mates.

Sometimes pulling a few minutes from your closet and sitting with just that and your heart, you’ll find it’s telling you something. Sometimes it’s things we don’t want to hear. It may be difficult to admit that you’re not really chasing what you want but more the idea of it or so someone else doesn’t get it.

It is better to conclude you really are uncertain about what you want in life -or on a smaller scale, situations -then it is to push on in a direction that isn’t reflecting your heart.
It won’t work that way.
That is one of the many things experience has taught me.

If you don’t know what you want, that’s okay. It doesn’t mean your life is pointless or flawed. We learn things at different times in our lives. Everyone has there own space and time and flow.

So just go with that.

Even when it surprises you.

Because believe it or not, your life is always flowing. Even when you feel stuck.

 

 

 

 

Why I wanted a boy

I was always able to have girlfriends if I wanted them.
I just remember them being meaner. Pickier. Gossiped a lot.
I was shy and didn’t care for that.
I kind of was a tom boy. Up until 8 years ago.
I disliked the colour pink and cried when my Mom made me wear frilly dresses to church.

Over the years I could tell I related better to the boys.
Yeah, it had the extra bonus of attention of the opposite sex, but I didn’t even think like that at the time.  It really did make more sense for me to be around the ones that were more like me.

I’m not like the woman on the tv show ‘ The Bachelor’ who all the other ladies hate. No, no, no. By far not the case. I’m likable. I will say that girls have felt jealousy towards me-  even my own two best friends ( who are still my best friends ( not jealous anymore though   ) ) and that most of the time, I didn’t realize this was so until after the fact.

I feel more comfortable and at ease with a male.
But Not so much today. In fact, I am trying to branch out and get my feet better suited for female grounds. For I know in my next relationship I will only have female companions. That’s what I want.

So this swings back around to my desire to birth and raise a boy.
I feel like I understand them better. I’m more familiar and attuned to them.
They make more sense to me.

Having a girl actually scared me. I feel that I wouldn’t have been as good of a Mother, had I had a girl. Truly. I feel like I would have had less patience and been more mean.

Now I’ll be okay with having a girl.
I feel very very fortunate to have had the boy I so very much desired.

Thank you egg and sperm and timing and whatever else the heck makes up the sex of a child.

 

 

Idiot Hope

Let’s name our child Fucker and hope that he doesn’t get made fun of.

Let’s put a red balloon in a room and hope it doesn’t touch one of the thousand spikes that line the walls.

Let’s build our house with sand and hope it never rains.

Let’s buy 3 dollar shoes from some second hand store and hope they last us through a week of hiking mountains in South America.

Let’s go to Las Vegas and hope we don’t lose 10 bucks on the strip.

Let’s hope as soon as we step in front of a camera we’ll be the next Leonardo Dicaprio.

Let’s eat all the burgers, chocolate and sour and sweet candy we can and hope we don’t gain weight.

 

 

Let’s hope we’ll get back with our ex in the next year.

I’ve got to believe it’s idiots hope, if I’m ever gonna let it go. 

But how you supposed to let the hope go, if you truly believe in it?

Is that what makes it idiot hope?

 

 

I Want to Tell you These Things

I want to tell you that the chimney here at my Dads, caught on fire the day after we closed our doors. You used to be a firefighter. You would have known just what to do.

I want to tell you that I looked for the Easter Hat you made last year for Z. And that I couldn’t find it, no matter where I looked.

I want to tell you how badly I want a doggy like the one we bought together.
I want to tell you how much you taught me.
To tell you that when I openened my chocoalate yesterday, a piece of chocolate shot up and hit me in the eyebrow.
I want to tell you that I have a cardinal clipped to my desk. Your favourite bird.

I want to say that I go in waves of happy and of sad. That I get bold with my confidence, telling myself,” I’ll find someone else, I’ll find someone else’. And then get whooshed into a whelmy sadness ocean,’ you were everything, you were everything I needed.’

I want to tell you that I didn’t do the big thing that you think I did. You won’t believe me, but everyday, I want to tell you that. 
I want to tell you that I finally finished reading the book I got from the librairy with you in October last year.
I want to tell you that I’ve stuffed all my lingere in the back of my bottom dresser drawer and as I put them in there I said outloud, ‘ won’t be needing these anymore- not until you want me back’.

I want to tell you that the visual of your eyes is locked into my head and it pummels up my heart sometimes and pops out of my eyes.

I want to tell you that I still am very close to you. That you’re with me everywhere I go.
I want to tell you all these things you wouldn’t believe, but that are the beautiful gut truth.

I want to tell you that the shirt you gave me that last day, is now in a plastic ziplock bag beside my bed and I smell it everyday. It is the last thing I smell before I go to sleep.

I want to tell you that I keep looking for your truck to pass by my work.
I want to tell you that I took a picture of your license plate the day I dropped it off at the repair shop. So if ever there was a look alike truck, I’d be able to tell it was you.
I want to tell you that I walked by the tree we climbed together on our first hangout. And cried.
And laughed.
At the same time.

I want to tell you what Z says about you and how it always makes me tear up.

I want to tell you that my heart is full of you. That looking for anyone else is so far from what I want to do or am in the position to do.

I want to tell you that I have a 400 dollar ring on my dresser I bought in February for you. I want to tell you that I’m going to return it; not just because now is not a good time, but because I found one that you will love more.
I want to tell you that we’re supposed to be together.

But you already know that.

To Push Encourgement is to also sometimes Waver in the Unknown.

it flew.

we flew

our narrow tinted wings, gaining height,while deeply giving depth
unknowenly.
and we second guessed it
but it came back,
it always comes back
we always come back
together.

don’t curse anything, not even the heavy distance
for it all is an impenatrating combination to ourselves
forever.
the whispered blows from winded past, and the quaking irony of our embelished in love souls,
not raging. Encouraging everyday like it is our own , our last and ours to hold
We’re a deadly thriller purpose
all the ingrediants of a natural born cause.
a regionment of self reflect, surrounding ourselves like always

even with the clouds flickering about, our shadows on top and over,
someday we

me and you
will unite in flight officially
as rainbows pin themselves to the brightening sky

and eagles soar through couragous weather, burning brightly at our sides,
we will lift our embeded beating hearts and continue
along with the non existing seconds and the drops of drying tears,
filled with joy and engagement, we’ll sing
raise our wings
and


we’ll fly.