Let’s Have Determined Fire

I’m tired of being a hermit. I want to live a lot more then this.
The first time being dropped by someone I care about. And that person is now located in my past. A past with a lot of screw ups and mistakes and bad choices.

The only point to living at all is if we take the past and purge it of all the bad and take what is left. All the good and fun and memories and lessons and taking THOSE, and bringing them with us into the present. Into the future.
Allow ourselves the little pricks of sadness and hurt and ache because denial is a dangerous thing. Then tell ourself and believe ourself; that we have a life ahead of us in which we need to join in on.

Mine, it’s like it’s been waiting there for me patiently. I need to catch up to it and say, ” Yo Life, I’m ready to start over!”

This may be a ruthless approach, it’s like I never loved him.
But this is more like, I must do this or I die.
Like a punch through the system.
My strong bold self, the person that was cold of all love. That could get over a breakup so easily because I was the one doing the breaking.

Now, I accept I was beaten down, I got broken up with and the past few months held the darkness of it. For some it may take years to make that darkness have any light.. but I love the sun so eventually I have to bring out the shine of it. I accept that I love him. That I love him the most I’ve ever loved anybody I’ve been with. I accept I screwed up and that I’ve learned so much from this.

I’m just tired of being a hermit and loving someone that doesn’t want to be with me.
This is my agression so that I make it far into the way that has been waiting for me.
I have to push.

 

 

 

I got to the Top..and then

Quality.
I had a lot of friends. I really did. I was so likable.
And I ran so hard with it until I reached a hill and in order to get to the top to see the beauty from there, I chose to discontinue all my relationships. I was okay in doing so, because I was determined. I had to lighten myself.
And not by dropping pounds.

I reached the top but it turned out the weather up there was foggy dust. Dark. and the ability to see much of anything besides slivers and speckles of light far off was truly difficult.

I’m still standing on it. I’m not running down to pick up my old friends. I’m going to stand here, nice and strong like a big oak tree and I’m going to do what I can to clear the skies.
It tooks months to reach here afterall,
and I’m determined to make what I believe in,
come out of the dark.