Easy and Difficult

How easy it is to talk about what is needed in a relationship.
How easy it is to think about all the ways you will be in one. How great and connective and communicative you will be.
You know how good you would be.
Understanding, slow to respond, listen attentively. So many qualities you have for a relationship!

And then you get in one.

And you are not at all what you want to be.
You recognize the selfish parts of you. You’re far too distant and lacking.
How is this so?

How difficult it is to be consistent with a behaviour that is not yet a habit.
How difficult to make it natural, to push yourself to be comfortable with discomfort.
How uneasy to have those conversations that are needed.

How easy to think, how difficult to act.

 

The Inbetween is Real

All kinds of struggle.
I’ve kind of labelled mine in a broad but specific sense. Because THAT makes sense.
And it will. After you finish reading.

I’m inbetween wanting to walk in front of a speeding train, and wanting things to get better.

But not.

You see?

I want things to get better but I don’t want to make the effort.
It’s like wanting to lose weight but not wanting to pass on the skor bars or double cheeseburgers. Not wanting to run uphill for 2 minutes everyday or go for a walk.

In between not wanting to try for that,
I’m inbetween wanting to try for an exit.
A solution that is quite frankly, absurd.

You don’t exit because things get tough.
But you think about it everyday.

You don’t want to explain yourself to your family,
but you can’t leave without them knowing.

You don’t want life to be like this
but it is right now. Except

you can change little particles of it.
You can,
but you don’t want to.

Because being sad is easier.
Because laying in bed with a breadknife under your sons books, is a better feeling.

Because the idea of leaving, makes things better.
It dilutes trying.
It makes trying seem more difficult and thus, makes doing nothing, more justifiable. 

 

You see?

It all makes sense.

Choose Peoples

Stiff in your bed, you lay
listening to music you’ve never heard
not wanting to see the videos

because that always changes your perception on them.

You choose not too.

You can configure the next day in your brain,
saying people all have difficulties.

dont we

well yes.

we’re people

and thats what people are:

 

 

difficult.

I Struggle with Myself

I’m a bit lost these days. What does one do? I guess I never thought I would be in this situation because I’ve been pretty darn great at keeping myself happy. But it is a new low.
When you know you can be better in your relationship, when you know the things you need to do, but you have no will to do them? When you know you are capable of being happier and you are focused on what you think you need but deep down you know that you need to fix what you are in.
You need to fix what you are in because right now, it is fixable.
But it is the most scariest thing I have ever been a part of because it deals with my child and my marriage and I now, after only so long, I realise I am not fit to be commitable. I can’t do it. I run. I have run all my life out of relationships.From people that have wanted to marry me. From people that would have done so much to keep me.
Little things irritate me and I have been able to run because of all the others out there.
Even now, they are there. But it has taken this long for these things to add up, about him. About the guy I married. It has taken this long, four years, for even the tiniest bit of running thought, to enter. And I wonder, why the hell now.
I am so far removed from this situation. I’m already out and I don’t want to be in. But I feel pressed to be and we started documents today to move to Canada and I know I am supposed to talk to him and say everything and spill it all, but I am Running Women, I have been doing it all my life and this is where it gets me. To here. To a dead end. Because I know I will not be happy. I am doing this to him and to myself. To our son.
And I feel so messed up. There is noone I have. No best friends. Noone to talk to.
I’ve got myself here,
How do I get myself out ?

Maybe It Wasn’t Such a Good/Bad Thing

Maybe my trip to Canada was the best and worst thing.
I came back and I am no longer content. I experienced life the way that I prefer, the way that I realized I had forgotton existed. I lived with people I swung on swings with, I ate timbits and walked by the bay and then I came back and figured out not that I had none of that here, but that I needed it. So now I am unhappy and trying to build and create and make it what I can because I am capable. But it is so very difficult when you are working with darkness inside your head and a numbness in your heart. When the tools you have aren’t equipped for this understanding.
That maybe somewhere along the way, I jumped in too fast.

I am usually wonderful at convincing myself that I am where I want to be but suddenly that has become very difficult to do.
Canada has made me not as comfortable here and if I didn’t know the other side,couldn’t I just continue living without knowing?
And then I’d be missing out on a fun. So am I glad for this hit on the chin? Am I glad for the trip that turned my life in a direction I haven’t discovered yet?
I have yet to figure it out and when I do, I’ll let you know.

Coming Back to a Past

I dont think its weird that people are changed or gone, but I am pulled between being happy and sad. I cannot imagine being 30, even 25 and not ever having left Sarnia, Ontario, even Canada.  That is me personally but either way thats the part that makes me happy for those leaving. The other side has me sad and feeling bad for being away the remaining years that the person/people have been here. I understand that lifes paths’ are all different and inevitably people do go down ones’ different from there friends. It is a transition I feel I wanted to be here for and during so that I could take the shift of change with everyone else. Living abroad starting years back pulled me away from that gradual shift and upon reentry I find myself unable to help the desire I have for reuniting and for old good friends to be around.Reguardless of where they are at in life. It is why it is easy to go to a party of friends I haven’t seen for years and be chummy with them as if I had never left. It is why it is easy to contact people that made impact on my life and request to get together. For the friends next to me that have been in the area since the beginning… they find it harder to do that because there has been space all along for them to make the effort. And they just haven’t. It surprised me. But this is how it is. If I had lived here all my life, we all know life would be dramatically different. Who knows, I may even have met you.