A Part of Me Found

A country determines a lot. It determines my lifestyle and the clothes I wear. The food I eat and the people I speak too. It makes me feel confident about myself or it doesn’t.

A few days ago I went to a gathering of about 30 people from my highschool. I spoke to all but four of them. I hugged all but four of them.
I felt confidence streaming out of my eyelids as I made contact with each one. I haven’t seen that part of me in years. I thought I had lost that.
It was there in front of me before I even realized what was going on.
Here I was, confronting others and stepping into there circle to join the conversation and to point out the silly things in life and the fact that I was now home for two months.
That part of me hasn’t been used in awhile and it felt good to get it back.
I didn’t really know it was gone or temporarily out of order, I just have had this sense of missage. That I was lacking something.
Over in Thailand, I don’t step into circles and speak as rapidily as I do here. I don’t fall into a zone and wipe the corners down.
It is a part of me I am proud of. I like it. It is part of me that I know people enjoy. They smile at it. At my quirked movements and expressions. There is an underlying shyness to how I speak and I’ve been told it’s cute. I don’t mean for it to be there, it’s just my past laced in throughout how I converse.
It is actually a large part of how I took on the years between 18 and 21. And those years have been of the greatest. I wonder how I do it. Go without utilizing it in Thailand. How I can be as happy without it.

I guess it comes down to the man I am with and the baby I have and how those excude a different type of greatness. I interact as a husband and as a mother and I admit, that in those positions I have yet to find the confidence I boast of in my interaction with English speaking people.
I do believe, one day I will.
And I will let you know.

Moody Discovery

The past three weeks have been the longest I have went without documenting anything. I have had the fewest photos, the least writings, and such little documentation on Zeeks habits that it has pressurized into this cannon of disgust towards me. Made by me.
I have drank less water and spoke less to my family. My absorption seeps into my child and anything that has to do with him. I need to learn how to balence this. And when I do figure it out, I’ll probably be heading back to Thailand where no friends or family are and what good is learning this if I will not be able to put it into practise.
My mind falters towards home back in Pattaya and how being unable to clean and tidy the house irritates me . I have to sit in it for hours, impatient and eager to just get it done. But I must wait.
It comes to me here because I see the mess about this house. I see the piles of clothes we’ve made and the lack of time we have in sitting down and actually cleaning things up. And it gets to me.
Before having a child I really didnt think this was such an issue. I always had untidy rooms and I was never bothered by it. This discovery is one of the many I have found after having a child.

Moody Mommy Days.