How do you leave something you love?
What about someone?
They are still nouns I suppose.
But a cave isn’t the same as a person
no matter how deep they can both be.
They are both nouns.
But one makes you feel more then the other.
Is that the difference?
It must be.
But maybe that’s just the adjectives talking to my noun heart
and making me feel adverbly a lot like a simile.
our narrow tinted wings, gaining height,while deeply giving depth unknowenly. and we second guessed it but it came back, it always comes back we always come back together.
don’t curse anything, not even the heavy distance for it all is an impenatrating combination to ourselves forever. the whispered blows from winded past, and the quaking irony of our embelished in love souls, not raging. Encouraging everyday like it is our own , our last and ours to hold We’re a deadly thriller purpose all the ingrediants of a natural born cause. a regionment of self reflect, surrounding ourselves like always
even with the clouds flickering about, our shadows on top and over, someday we
me and you will unite in flight officially as rainbows pin themselves to the brightening sky
and eagles soar through couragous weather, burning brightly at our sides, we will lift our embeded beating hearts and continue along with the non existing seconds and the drops of drying tears, filled with joy and engagement, we’ll sing raise our wings and
I knew he liked me. I knew his eyes were on me as I sat, conversing with another. I knew the lines out of my mouth sputtered up his brain wave lengths. I could tell by the surprise gleam that coated his eyes the instant my line was out. I knew in his reactions, he was intrigued.
I kept my distance.
But it was a feeling I recognized. This is what I used to catapult for. I could live off of this feeling. I do not think I am complex. But I am creative.
At least in one category or another.
As I have got older, I meet more people that have more experience. Like me.Less surprises them. As children we go so much with the flow because we do not know what to believe, what to understand or trust and growing makes us more aware. We are not surprised at much. Then we reach that bubble of our personality that determines what we are surprised at. And it diminishes over time because we become accustomed to it.
I don’t live for that intrigue anymore. For those reactions.
I think that’s part of the reason why I’m shuffling around. I think I thought that was my purpose. At least something that I knew made me happy. But in the end it isn’t sustainable happiness. I can’t interest everybody at the rate I would like while dating someone. I think that was a difficult pill to swallow.
But it is good, very good, to have come to that conclusion.
I just need to write this morning.
My time is speeding a long here in Ontario, even though I know I have quite a lot more left before we go back.
When I am here I can feel the part about living my own life, quite easily.
I do have the support but it actually widens the distance.
Because I know my baby like they never will and I know my life in Thailand like they don’t and they continue with their life here because that’s what they’re supposed to do and we are just the visitors, stepping in for a moment and taking a look around.
And I am slowly seeing that if we were to live here it might not necessairly make it easier for me. It’s making me aware of how much time I actually do spend with my son.
When they only take him for a few hours at a time, when they only spend a few minutes on the floor with him.. that is when I understand they only deal with snipits.
And it is what being a mother is. Your life gets transferred to another one.
I guess I am a bit dissapointed that my Mom isn’t pulling as much as I thought she would. That my brother isn’t interacting with Zeek as much as I envisioned.
It helps me to realize that living away from them all in Thailand, is an okay thing.
It helps me to see that my life really is over there and that being away from everyone, isn’t entirely a bad thing.
My love that is over there, is sturdy and unwavering. And each time I am without him, I get pulled back into the smart shoes, recognizing that what I have for him, is more than what I can express.
‘Distance makes the heart grow fonder.’