I’ve lived in Thailand so long that things get vignetted.
Edges blur and I am this person that is living in such a way that my interaction with this country is minimun. It is sad but just the way that it has happened.
There are so many stages I have went through while living here. Homesick for the first five months back in 2008 and then on the outskirts of the culture by teaching. Once I dipped my toes in, it was the following year that I full fledge dove in. I went to school. I began to write and read Thai. I was so focused, was so involved that when I lifted my head up, I realized how intense, how strong the current I had whipped up. The progress that I had made blew me away.
Distractions really mess you up. They can really throw you off track but I was determined to get in close.
I’m out of that involvement now. I’m not holidaying here, I’ve tasted the wind underneath their feetSt, I’ve rode the dirty buses in Bangkok and I’ve snorkled with fish in the south. I’ve been a subsitute and taught my native language to Thais’ and I’ve done presentations in front of 50 or 60 of them.
Now I am so in, that I am out. I walk my baby down roads watching the streets for holes and wires, but I don’t look often at the people around me. I stick in my own mode of moving. Of my bubble.
I recognize that the city I live in- in Thailand, is dangerous. People may not always mean harm but i have become so hardened to it, that protecting my child is mostly all that I think about.
I am in this bag of itchy particles that I have created myself. In this whirled thickness and sometimes I really want out. I want to be a better person by finding a balence that allows me to be safe, but not so inverted and I hope that with this awareness I am able to do so.