One Man

He was a hard worker.
He drew the blueprints and built his own 5 bedroom house when he was 23.
He married a very pretty woman.
They had children.
She was the lenient. And he was the strict.

He worried about money a lot
and she spent it
or rather,
she spent it
and he worried about not having enough.
He moved up the ladder in his career.
He was the leader at work.
But he wasn’t at home.
They fought about the children and about money.
He put all his time and effort into doing better where it felt it did less damage
where negative affects weren’t seen.
He became a workaholic.

He spent less time at home
the relationships with his children suffered.

But
when asked to take on a job away from the house he had built
he said no
because his children were young and he still wanted to influence
as best he could.
For years until it was all his life,
he was boss over hundreds of people
but barely had leverage on his own family.

They fought all the time.

He gained more respect at work
but had none under the roof he lived
the one he had made with his bare hands.

Until the children were all grown up
and he went overseas to work
once, twice
and the picture became a little clearer to the grown-ups.

A few years before he retired
when the effect of his wife was wearing off
his children slowly found the seeds and admiration grew.

After 36 years of working and being the unfavourable parent at home,
he retired
with the relationships between his children intact.

Six months after he retired,
his wife left him.

She demanded more than half
of what he had worked for his whole life.

Instead of retiring with the hundreds of thousands he has accumulated over the years,
that money now goes to lawyers
Instead of that money going towards his childrens inheritance,
half of all that he has worked for and sacrificed for his entire life
now goes to her.

 

 

That one man is my father.
And all he has worked for in his life,
is now being taken away from him
by my mother.

 

 

 

 

 

Resemblance

After three days of Momless:

I haven’t seen her nor spoken with her, all though she has emailed me a few times.

While brushing my teeth last night, seeing the hooks on the wall..
it blasted into my brain waves like a waterfall.

The Grinch.

It’d be kind of like waking up Christmas morning to find all your decorations are down, your gifts gone, your treats eaten. ( And not by Santa )

All though this here folks,
is stools, couches,tv, kitchen appliances,picture frames, a whole bedroom of a life, and a Mom.

Gone!

 

It’s Already Better

So that’s the scoop.
My mom left the house yesterday morning. Moving truck and all. Her room is now empty and the house feels much better.

I feel happier. I have my son back.
It is a good feeling, with small pocketfuls of clouds.

Rearranged a lot of the house today. I don’t feel bad about it.

It looks and feels better.

This is okay, this is going to be okay.

The Day My Mother Left

March 11 2016

I walked up the basement stairs about 830am and could feel the chill in the air already.  I opened the basement door and came face to face with a touque wearing, flurescent vested, glove wearing man.

” Can I use the washroom? Where abouts is it?”

In 4 seconds or less I see everything. The doors are open and there are 3 other men moving around and I see the big white truck out the kitchen window with a ramp up to it and items, and lamps and mattress and desk and I think inside ‘ she’s not actually.. is this what this actually is??’ and then Aunt Dawn comes down the stairs with her arms full of bags and I ask ” Is she moving out?”

With grim expression and a slight smirk, she nods her head- out the door she goes.
There are 4, 5, 6, movers, all moving fast and the world is blurry for an instant. I stand there cemented to the spot. I don’t know what to do and I see police car, one, two and I know I do not want to see Mom but she’s there before I can move and next thing i know i  am doing what i dont want to do and moving towards her and i hug her and say the least thing i want to say to her. ” yay, you’re finally doing it!’
then i walk downstairs then i walk back up and i go up more stairs and i am crying and i open my brothers door and i sit on his bed and i say ‘ josh ‘ and he turns over slowly and sees my face and is alert and there is panic in his eyes and i say ‘ moms moving out ‘ and we sit in stunned silence and then we talk and then we look out the window and then we sit some more and then we go back down together and zeek all this time is watching stuff on my computer and doesn’t know anything that’s going on .
and josh calls our sister and she didn’t know . josh calls our brother later on and he didn’t know
and dad is in chatham and he
does
not
know.
i feel wrong being here.
then there are more cars and aunt ruth and uncle john are there and he asks me ‘ hows it goin’ and i say drly’ perfect’ he says oh right, dumb question’. and they hug me and i am stiff and my eyes wet and they just keep being wet and i am standing there beside them and i dont want to be and they say they have nothing against my dad and that john, ‘ i’d like to go golfing with him this summer’ and i’m saying inside my head, ‘ya the fuck right’. i am mad mad mad mad mad and feel out of place.
Then I am downstairs and the movers are there now too and ask ‘ are we just taking the tv?’
My blank stare is enough answer.
I know this is the best thing to do. For Mom to leave.
But I am still angry.
I am mad that she chose to do it this way. To have it planned for at least a month. To get her own place. To know she was spending her last days here. And us not have a clue.
I am angry that all those trips into town were ones for lawyers. she never ever told us she was leaving even those times.
I am mad she didn’t say goodbye, but i know that was easier for her to do.
I hate that she said ‘ you can visit, theres a suite you can stay in for 3,4 days for free’.
‘im sorry mom, ‘ i think to myself ‘ i have not fricken processed this in the slighest.
The place she will have gotten will be very nice. It won’t be dumpy. And Josh and I sit dumbfounded, and he asks me about the affair because in Moms email to him, she mentions it assuming he already knew. He didn’t. But I say nothing about it and say , ‘ask dad,he’ll tell’.

Then, all of a sudden, a crashing silence falls on our heads and we stand up and we say, ” Are they gone already??”

and upstairs we go and there is no trace that they were even here, save for the spaces of things that were there and are now gone.
we move to her room and it is empty empty empty and we stand in it for a few minutes and we lean against the windows and i watch the birds at the feeder.
we wait for dad to come home and he comes home and he stops in the driveway in his white jeep and he backs up and we watch him do this and then he pulls forward and we know he has seen the marks on the grass and josh and i put our coats on and shoes and walk out to the garage and he shuts the jeep door and he follows us in and josh says’ we have some bad news…..pause… ‘ mom left’
“oh really. that doesn’t surprise me too much’ he says and his eyes are full of question and josh begins retelling the hour and a half.
and i recall people taking pictures and writing down items in the garage and in the kitchen and dad said ‘when he saw us walking out he figured somethign was up’ and when george and him left early for chatham  earlier that day they had to turn around because they forgot something and mom alreayd had her car trunk open and her bedding inside because she thought they would be gone but they came back and he saw that and thought’ either shes gettign it dry cleaned or moving out?” and she had this all planned. calculated down to the last plate she was going to take. she knew everythin she was entitled to and she had it all configured in her brain about how much stuff she needed for her new place. three stools? yes, they’ll fit quite nicely. a couch? tv? oh i need a coffee machine, yes i’ll take that one. and this good chinaware too!
dont ask me how ballistic my uncle george ( who is living with us too ) will get now without his 5 hour daily tv watch. to be honest i think that was kinda a mean one taking that . it’s not like she can’t afford another one? but we’ll get another one and a nicer one and we will change the whole basement around too. this is more my house now. I’m the woman in it.
we shall change the locks on the house.
and dad is not to know where mother now resides.
—————————–
I do feel lighter.
I do feel the air is thinner, there is less tension and Zeek finally feels more like mine again.
She will be happier, and we will be happier too. Everyone will. In time.
We will fill in the blank spaces of the house, we will take out all the knick knacks she had and it will be like she was never here. Starting over.
She is still my Mother and I suspect there will be good change in our relationship because of the distance but for now I will stay angry and sad and feel pity for my Father.
For after 36 years of marriage,
his wife has left him.

oh shittttttt

WHAT THE FUCKKKKEKERSOOOO

mom?!?!?!

i dont know what time it is

i  have to pee

im launched wth a yellllow infilitrated fest

‘ am i taking the couch??”

 

 

MY  MOTHER IS FUCKING MOVING OUT

WHAT THE FUCK

It is a Big Day

Well I’m not drunk this time.
But I’ve got some big news to share.

My three year old son meets his biological father for the first time today. As of right now, there are no memories attatched to this man. Z has no recollection, no idea that he was made because of two people in love in another country.

Yes, he was there when my son was born. We stayed together for a year or two after.
But those spaces in the brain,
that is not what son remembers.

So after a year and three months they shall meet at my parents log house and I shall stand by and watch very closely. Every tidbit of strength and understanding coming to the platform. Perhaps I will see similarities that I never knew of before. I am proud and excited to show him my dedication and devotion of over a year, in the creating of this boy that is our son.

May the papers over this little boys head, go smooth and easy.
Let us be adults.
Good ones.

 

Trying to stop the Coast

I don’t recall experiencing such highs and such lows, one after the other, in all my life.

Soaring for days, for weeks even, and then plummeting in an instant. Finding self in the dark caves of insecurity with self abosrbed and self hating rocks in all the tunnels.

How the hell did I get here?

I’m stretching out my arms, with my fingertips trembling for any sort of sense.

But the thing is, it all does. It makes sense why I’m here, how I’m here and why I feel the way I do. Well, that part gets me a bit confused. I’m not really sure why I reach very low points. Other then the reason I’m going through  a divorce and I’m terrified about what happens to my child in the future. Sort of a lack of control. Future does have you behind the controls to some extent and even though I still do-I can afterall, control my behaviour, my actions and try and steer my feelings accordenly-  it feels that all of a sudden life has dropped the drive to go forward and I’m coasting towards a giant brick wall.

My desire to see friends wanes. I know they’ll make me happy but when I reach low, it’s hard to even want to be happy. Self Pity. Oh what a deadly thing.

 

 

 

 

Finding Independence in Scary

I didn’t picture myself working with a child.
Even before I got into this relationship, I knew I wanted to be a stay at home Mom and I didn’t think once about that being difficult to achieve. I figured whoever I chose to have a child with, would have a good enough job to support a family. That fell easily into my lap. Perhaps becuase it was the outpour in my heart, and that the men I dated, knew it from the start.
” I only date men who I can see myself marrying and I want to be a stay at home Mother,” said me on first dates.
And noone ever walked away from that.

Now, I will have the support from my partner, but I can’t depend on it forever.
I am afterall, trying to find my independence in this world.
But I’m really scared.
This foreign thing to me, working and raising a person.
Oh many have to do it. I get that. And I have been fortunate to not have too.. but it is still a new thing to me.
And new things can be scary.

A Marriage Ending

I live with the man I married. We talk, we cuddle, sometimes we even kiss.
In 19 days our marriage will end.
We know it will, but neither of us have said it.
It really is quite an odd feeling.
I think I know what follow your heart means now.
I knew from 4 months after dating, I wasn’t. But I liked the guy. And then I loved the guy.
He really is a wonderful man. It’s only become apparent in the last 6 months that we are not good for each other. At this very vulnerable and unstable state of mine, I actually feel unable to form any audible and sensible words with him. He can communicate with me easily. Always has been able too.
But me?
I am in an emotional upheavel that has my head spinning. Everytime he speaks with me on serious matters, I feel worse because it is evident everytime, that I am the main fault of all of this. But perhapas me reaching this point saves us from 10 more years of trying for happy.
Forget about trying for a baby, happiness isn’t even breathing.

I take comfort in the fact that once in Canada I will have the blanket and security I need, for myself to come to terms with what has happened. To accept, to deal, and to begin the run of moving on.
I am confident there, and I’m not even there yet.
But it is why I am pushing the reality away right now. I don’t want to hinder my last bit of time here.
‘ I am a strong woman. I can handle this,” I tell myself. But I am envisioning the me that lives in Canada, not Thailand.
I. Will. Get. There.

My Parents Anniversary

My parents anniversary is next month.
Something like 35 years.

Over the holidays of 2012, my father opened the mailbox and found divorce papers.

I was at my Aunts when my sister called.
She told me to call Mom.
So I called Mom.
Mom was 2 hours away.In a hotel.
Mom said maybe I shouldn’t go home.

I did
and spoke nothing of divorce to my Father.
He was quiet. And paced the floors like a natural professional.
And we didn’t go any nearer the topic.

He left the next morning. For Brazil.

My mom wanted him to get the papers before he left.
She did it without even telling him.

He came back earlier than planned. Before I left for Thailand.
And Mom and I sat in the basement as he entered the house and I went up to meet him and then he came down and I sat again and he stood and he began to cry.
He looked us in the eyes and said, ‘ I don’t want to leave ‘.
Our hearts crumbled together and we didn’t say much and I felt compassion and love and I wanted my parents to talk it through. .
So they did.

And that is why they will be able to celebrate there 35th anniversary next month.