Choosing Need

I am shit at not doing what I need to do and great at doing what I want.
Last year I came to learn it,
this year I attempt doing it.
Situations where I need to make the choice that I need to.

I have to say that it hasn’t felt as freeing as I thought it would. Yes, there is some weight off my head and lightness in my heart, but there’s still this deep dissatisfaction.
That I let someone down. That I couldn’t be all that they envisioned me to be in their life.

I wonder if the more I choose to follow my heart, the less I’ll worry about keeping peace with people. I hope so because doing what I need to do shouldn’t be so difficult.

 

Make Happy Happyn

You take the good stuff in your life that happens, you take it and when it happens, you get really happy and excited and make sure nothing can make you feel otherwise. You  explore that land of happy, and you take happy seeds and plant them and let your beads of happy sweat fall onto the soil. Let your excitement and thrill of the happy be the rays of sun and oxygen for these seeds. Breed happy. Make Happy so happy that it desires to come back. Again
and again
and again.
It’s going to love the field you grow and every time you walk through it, let the feeling of happy permeate. Acknowledge it. Let your happy babble trickle through the leafery so that every piece in your land, naturally flutters with anticipation of producing more Happy.

Do.

Since I’ve  been on this site a massive amount in this month of Marchy March, I’ve wondered a few things about us on here.

About what we’re like in person.
About where we are when we post, write and read.
And if the world of sigh-brr is the only place that knows what we’re typing.
And if so, how many of us that means are ungenuine, untrue and lying to self and lonely in the real world.

I picture the world whizzing around you sitting, huddled in a comfy chair in a building. While a couple of teenage friends toss grand stories around or where older generations are laying out fragments of future plans on the coffee stained tables.

And I feel a little sorry for you.
And I feel a little sorry for me.
After configuring the amount of time I spend on here-which I do very much enjoy – I realize it’s enough time for the need of unbalance to become balanced again.
I need to go do what I’ve been writing of and internally psyching myself up for. ( Between the ideas of death and all )  Instead of being the one huddled around, divulging my learnings to you sigh-burring peoples ( all though I’ve told a few pals what’s been what )
( and hey, sometimes we all need a little bit of that time online) but too much of that time for me,  will eventually make my ideas of living better, dissipate; because nothings been done with them.

“Do.” Me Says. ( I really did say it outloud just now )

Life Pondermints

Lately I’ve been thinking about my purpose in life. And also the idea– If I am not living for myself, for who I am, who am I living for? And why.

I think we get into crunches sometimes. And we’re like, ‘ what the heck, how did I get here??’. And it’s kind of a feary feeling.Because if THAT can happen, if we can get somewhere without knowing, who’s to say at which point we’ll end up at the dead point-without knowing?
Oh wait… that scenerio DOES exist.

It’s not to say we can’t end up in GREAT places, wondering how we got there.
But whether the places are of bad quality or of good, if we think hard enough, we’ll likely determine ‘how we got there. Life is pretty tell tale- it’s not all baloney and disjointed burgers of mayhem. But it does have it’s loops of crazy and surprise and mystery.
So if we DON’T figure out how we got to where we are, that’s okay.
Sometimes it’s best if we DON’T know.
But we might never know if we’re supposed to know. Chances are, if we don’t, then we aren’t.

So when I look back to figure out how I got here-well I’m supposed to know. Because I do know. It’s just kind of a weird feeling when I realize being here with a pondering of my purpose for the first time in my life,means that I never pursued potential in it before. It’s just been full of runny eggs,melted yogurt and floating dust particles.

In the past three months I have learned more about myself than I have in three years. That’s a lot of learning.
You would think that with all this new stuffs I’ve got in my pockets, I’d be hop, skip and jump-a-crumpin’ around the earth. ( Okay, so by earth I mean my city )

But NO!
My head is spun out.  It’s like being rewarded 8 different awards and not sure which one to brag about first. It’s like winning the lottery and not knowing what to spend or where to spend the money. It’s like being a new person and not knowing where,or how, to direct yourself.

You can have drives more frequently than others and therefore be considered driven but they all come and go. I’m okay with that, but what does starting my car mean? I know we start at the beginning, but I don’t know where the key to my car is. My heart?

I guess I just want my forward movement to represent the new I am. It shoudn’t be that difficult, but I think reassessing purpose and realizing I was living for nobody at all has really made socks of hesitation for my feet. I’m scared to step anywhere.

But hey,maybe by taking a step in wherever direction, is exactly what I need to figure out where I do or don’t want to step, and give me plans and goals to start mapping my life journey. To start a career of life, by actually choosing what happens in it, instead of just reacting to what does.

Now to stop typing and start doing.
That’s a step, ain’t it?

Do We Just Accept?

Sometimes you can know exactly why you are doing what you are doing. Even if it is bad. Even if it is wrong.
And sometimes, that isn’t enough to stop you.

People are good at justifying things. Events.Choices.

Past plays a big part in all of us. We can point fingers to it, every time we do something that doesn’t add up under the ‘right thing to do’ column.
Sometimes I wonder if we’ll ever break loose or free from our mind structure. The bones of our brain.
I wonder if it is better to just accept what we do and in life, find someone that understands and accepts what you are, because they accept what they are too.

I Struggle with Myself

I’m a bit lost these days. What does one do? I guess I never thought I would be in this situation because I’ve been pretty darn great at keeping myself happy. But it is a new low.
When you know you can be better in your relationship, when you know the things you need to do, but you have no will to do them? When you know you are capable of being happier and you are focused on what you think you need but deep down you know that you need to fix what you are in.
You need to fix what you are in because right now, it is fixable.
But it is the most scariest thing I have ever been a part of because it deals with my child and my marriage and I now, after only so long, I realise I am not fit to be commitable. I can’t do it. I run. I have run all my life out of relationships.From people that have wanted to marry me. From people that would have done so much to keep me.
Little things irritate me and I have been able to run because of all the others out there.
Even now, they are there. But it has taken this long for these things to add up, about him. About the guy I married. It has taken this long, four years, for even the tiniest bit of running thought, to enter. And I wonder, why the hell now.
I am so far removed from this situation. I’m already out and I don’t want to be in. But I feel pressed to be and we started documents today to move to Canada and I know I am supposed to talk to him and say everything and spill it all, but I am Running Women, I have been doing it all my life and this is where it gets me. To here. To a dead end. Because I know I will not be happy. I am doing this to him and to myself. To our son.
And I feel so messed up. There is noone I have. No best friends. Noone to talk to.
I’ve got myself here,
How do I get myself out ?