Cocoon Stage

 

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5 hours after we had our tea and conversations, I was back in your house ( which was once mine ), laying next to you.
You were hungover and we laid in bed and I played with your hair and massaged your back and and and.. yeah.

The stew of confusion is now steaming and I can feel something inside my heart.
I know you are not ready for me.

We know we shouldn’t be seeing each other. But we don’t want to not.

” I was pretty good wasn’t I?” You say, referring to the week of no contact.
And here I was convincing myself that it was easy for you, that you were spending time with your family and evaporating me from your mind.
Those thoughts made it easier to be apart from you.

We love each other, want to be around each other and I’m beginning to wonder if this love is powerful enough to override the time and space we so feel we need.

We need time that we don’t want yet the saying ‘fools rush in’ is a daunting piece in both our minds. How much damage occurs if we get back together so soon. If we don’t allow ourselves to heal.

You want no contact and then you do.
It is all very simple. You are being pulled in both directions and I am just the wind that goes whatever way the source is facing. You are calling the shots and  I don’t have ( nor do I care to have ) much choice at the moment. I am okay with that. For now.
This is a depiction of your flipflop of a mind, and I need you to see that.

In the wavering of your decisions, it is more probable that the outcome is this: you will see you do not want to be a part from me, not now, not ever.

And this outcome is where the beginning of forgiveness will start.

“Ends are not bad things, they just mean that something else is about to begin. And there are many things that don’t really end, anyway, they just begin again in a new way. Ends are not bad and many ends aren’t really an ending; some things are never-ending.”
C. JoyBell C.

Different Types of Tough

There are lots of good wonderfuls about life. Negative wonderfuls that make us stronger,better people.
Sometimes those saddy wonderfuls just suck to go through. We just want to be on the other side of it where we are that stronger,better person.

There are all kinds of different tough wonderfuls.
There are the monotone lines of the stuff. That are a constant apparency in your life.

There are ones that you can shove away for a little while, distract yourself with events or other people.

The rollercoaster ones that have you up for a day and then sunk to the bottom of the ocean the next. Being on that ride for weeks? That otta make your guts feel like they’re gonna spill out of your eyes.
There are ones that have you home in bed, wanting nothing to do with life.

I’m not sure if there’s a benefit in figuring out which one you’re experiencing. I suppose I just point these out because I figured which category I was in. The rollercoaster one.
In knowing that I kind of brace myself for the stomach dropping falls. It makes the happy ride in the clouds slightly salty and disfigured but that’s part of the bracing.

It’s an emotional,mental and physically exhausting trip. I tell myself often that the journey, as sucky as it is, it’s going to be okay. I have to believe that or else staying under the ocean will seem like a very pleasant and peaceful place, the glad clouds a mere unobtainable dream.