Messy Weekend

Maybe it was my quivering stomach that awoke me. My head heavy and my heart along with it. I stand up to get water, and I wonder if my legs will hold me. My eyes have dry tears stuck to them.
More then half of my Saturday was spent in drunk phone calls. Reaching out for help, while losing the idea of what I really need help with.
It’s that low point in drinking for 30 days straight. That depressant within it that finally kicked in. Was it building up to this point all along?

My body has sore throughout. Some places more then others. I am weak and my brain fuzzy and confused and I’m conflicted and uncertain and I don’t feel stable. I have to move slow, and slow is even too fast. I have to make a decision, and that is one decision too many.

I will figure this out. And I will need to be confident on what I figure out or else I will not be able to act on it. I feel like my heart just doesn’t want to let go but that is confusing my head up because my head I think, thinks it should.

What a flippin dilemma.

Memory Crash

I don’t remember grocery shopping with my Mother last night.

I do remember standing outside a store downtown with a woman I had just met, smoking a cigarette with her. I don’t even smoke.

I don’t remember getting home or even when I left the coffee shop my family was in.
I remember talking to one of my good friends there, and holding their 9 month old. I probably shouldn’t have.

I don’t know how well I did at bowling. Maybe I wiped out or maybe I tripped up the little step.

 

I don’t know where my two water bottles of wine went,

but I can guess.

A Question About Mid 20 Drinking

I’m wondering.
And I really do wonder about it. And before I google or youtube or roosterdock it,
I like to get my thoughts out and in order and figured and oh, who am i kidding. They don’t get figured out.
But,

well, age. And drinking. I’m almost 27 and I drink daily and well, I just wonder if that’s what it’s like for the rest of the almost 27 year old family. Well. any few years above or below that. Oh. That sounds like I’m beliddling the low. But I’m not. I assure you.

In this generation, do we, are we.. like this?

Is it the year of the drink and the year of this is what makes us happy and what all the people around us are doing so we do it. and sometimes it goes beyond a night out but during the day and by day i mean morning. Is this what it is like? Does it stop? Is it a worrysome feature in our life? Or is it a clickerton. Where you hit 30 and BAM  you’re off the rocks and vod and Monday morning doesn’t mean a ceaser with your bacon. Is THAT what happens?

Well, I don’t know. I know that I drink a lot. But I’m not afraid of it. Maybe I should be. I know it means I have some issues I’m not dealing with. Somedays I think, okay, my mind should really be clear for all of this. To think of stop drinking altogether. But then I think why.
I drink instead of eat and maintain a good weight because of it. So you know, that’s a nice.
I’ve never been overweight and maybe at this age, this is my diet. And it works decently enough.
Or maybe I’m just drunk and I have no idea what I’m talking about.

All THOUGH,
thoughts and sayings, come from SOMEWHERE. ALL the time. It doesn’t matter how absurd it seems. Everything

comes from somewhere.

Even what you’re thinking about as you read this.
You drunk soul you.

The Amount of Words

I’ve wrote as much as I have in one week as I have in one month.

I think that sentence makes sense. Oh, but of course it does. Because “Everything Makes Sense“.

It’s 11:16 on a Saturday of a long weekend, the first weekend in August, the first DAY in August and I’m drink. I mean drank. ARGH. I mean DRUNK.

Many personalities to be when we’re all online.
Are we really portraying us when we type?

Figure it Out.