The sun is just around the curve;
whispering this to you,
Back lit and caressing all that is seen,
with a strong subtlety
of grey purple.
The world is still quiet here
pyjama shuffling slipper feet,
and I smile.
Today is choices and availability
to do and to be purposeful,
just the way
The Grey Purple of the Sky-
the chance at another Day,
tells me to be.
The world spun me backwards, that afternoon in the shade.
It whittled it’s way into my grass bones and slowed down everything.
Until I felt life and things, sliding away from me.
I didn’t want that. I really didn’t.
And that’s when the speed disoriented me; like a feather in a hurricane.
I dug into my pockets in a calm frantic for a feeling and I pulled it out and
held it close to my confused heart.
I just felt it and felt it and felt it and accepted that I was and
I was letting that feeling be and realized it meant I was dealing and when I dealt
that’s then the world launched forward.
And I was ever always, going to be okay.
As long as I let myself feel what I was,
I was always ever, going to be okay.
Oh you know…
Sometimes you just wanna
walk and see the big dark space of empty and step right into it.
To fall right into core of the planet.
Because that’s the easy.
To stack the apple cores on hangers and breach their seedy contract.
Just mean something.
Pull up your swagger and launch your soapy mouth into the air we don’t own.
I’ve a dollar for every breath and I’m a rich soul
so are you,
right at your core.
I sat there for an hour and one half and I just watched people drive by and some dogs go by and people running and people going thru drive thru and the average was about five minutes through and I was always usually pretty shy of adults and now even though they are still adult to me, they are less old. I am closer to there age and they are closer to mine and men that have white hair are actually people that like young and funny and are okay with being with someone that is half their age because of it.
Thailand told me this.
Thailand told me that 65 year old big gutted men still want sex. It told me that 80 year olds will pay to have 20 year olds escort them around and it told me that even those men can fall in love and believe in every good darn minute of it.
Call me naive or sheltered or what you will, but I didn’t know any of that existed. Men are still attracted to woman at an age I thought was only meant for sitting on benches sipping newspapers and reading coffee.
And so as I sat there I thought about their lives outside of Tim Hortons’ parking lot. What they would be going home to and whether or not they were happy. I thought about being in their life and how I would change to have them like me and how I would find that easy to do. I thought about how I could be paid well in Thailand, to be that girl that is with the older men and how eventually I won’t have the looks or the body to be desired and how eventually this time in my life will be something I long for. Rather than scare me, it made me more determined not to eat another cookie, to keep my hair long before it becomes a pain and to keep my alertness in life on top of all things.
My conversation and cues and what others say or do are all things I am aware of and I often wonder where it comes from. The things which impact me and things I notice, are things that the next person does not. And the things I am slow at deciding or quick at forgetting, are things that the next person does the opposite of.It all comes from somewhere and I often wonder where and sitting on the lawn yesterday while the sun shined its way into all the living things, I figured out where.
It is not a very surprising place. It is not unusual or hard to understand.
It is simple because that is the way we are capable of making anything.
And if we are capable of making things simple, we are also capable of complicating them. Which is why it has taken so long for me to conclude that living is where it comes from.
Living is Time and Time has the ability to fill up with anything. It fills up with presents that eventually turn into pasts’ and pasts’ are memories that make up people whether they are remembered or not. That is where the things that impact me the way they do, come from. That is where the things that make you laugh or make you cry come from. And they won’t all be different from mine or the same and you can bet that living isn’t all where it comes from.
Parents of you and I have genetics and we are given them too and they are really the root of it and we are just the branches, swaying or not swaying, being leafy or unleafy.
I don’t see everything but yesterday for a few hours, that is how I saw the world.