Easy and Difficult

How easy it is to talk about what is needed in a relationship.
How easy it is to think about all the ways you will be in one. How great and connective and communicative you will be.
You know how good you would be.
Understanding, slow to respond, listen attentively. So many qualities you have for a relationship!

And then you get in one.

And you are not at all what you want to be.
You recognize the selfish parts of you. You’re far too distant and lacking.
How is this so?

How difficult it is to be consistent with a behaviour that is not yet a habit.
How difficult to make it natural, to push yourself to be comfortable with discomfort.
How uneasy to have those conversations that are needed.

How easy to think, how difficult to act.

 

Mind Tumble

Bending moments into garbage bags of warped crinkles. The after of the beginning is the middle of the time where ants run wild in their teeth crunching abilities. Medium is always the rare in a time of easy softness. The lights of cakes whip up their soul in a few minutes and leave a trailing winding upward path of smoke. And we’re supposed to follow it. But our wishes never do. Off the shore the trees lean their way to freedom pieces where chocolate is the least of worries and chips of plastic are the overbearing prize of the individuals that last till the last wind roars.
You’re the bending of the brittle, with the warp and the crinkle in a time of den. When you’re slipping stares and rugged reasons into a solid slot of truth. The type of style air is, is the only thing you don’t know. And it doesn’t matter what you remember, just that you’re the ability of movement. Backwards, forwards, you’re the run of the century. Little crystals of warmth and strength and to hold on to any dab of confidence is what you’ll do to be a moment of a warped crinkled garbage bag.

It is a Big Day

Well I’m not drunk this time.
But I’ve got some big news to share.

My three year old son meets his biological father for the first time today. As of right now, there are no memories attatched to this man. Z has no recollection, no idea that he was made because of two people in love in another country.

Yes, he was there when my son was born. We stayed together for a year or two after.
But those spaces in the brain,
that is not what son remembers.

So after a year and three months they shall meet at my parents log house and I shall stand by and watch very closely. Every tidbit of strength and understanding coming to the platform. Perhaps I will see similarities that I never knew of before. I am proud and excited to show him my dedication and devotion of over a year, in the creating of this boy that is our son.

May the papers over this little boys head, go smooth and easy.
Let us be adults.
Good ones.

 

Coming Back to a Past

I dont think its weird that people are changed or gone, but I am pulled between being happy and sad. I cannot imagine being 30, even 25 and not ever having left Sarnia, Ontario, even Canada.  That is me personally but either way thats the part that makes me happy for those leaving. The other side has me sad and feeling bad for being away the remaining years that the person/people have been here. I understand that lifes paths’ are all different and inevitably people do go down ones’ different from there friends. It is a transition I feel I wanted to be here for and during so that I could take the shift of change with everyone else. Living abroad starting years back pulled me away from that gradual shift and upon reentry I find myself unable to help the desire I have for reuniting and for old good friends to be around.Reguardless of where they are at in life. It is why it is easy to go to a party of friends I haven’t seen for years and be chummy with them as if I had never left. It is why it is easy to contact people that made impact on my life and request to get together. For the friends next to me that have been in the area since the beginning… they find it harder to do that because there has been space all along for them to make the effort. And they just haven’t. It surprised me. But this is how it is. If I had lived here all my life, we all know life would be dramatically different. Who knows, I may even have met you.