A Country Break Up

I think I thought I would miss Thailand more than I do.
I do ride on waves and big wind gusts of the stuff sometimes. But it isn’t very frequent at all. And it’s easy to get off of them.

Since moving back to Canada in September of 2014, I have been conscious-and still am- when it comes to Asian stuffs.  I refuse to have any contact in any form with Thai friends. I don’t let myself scroll through there Facebook pages or Instagram accounts. When I see Asians out in public I do find myself staring and feeling a deep connection. But that is really all I allow myself. Partly because I cannot control the sight of them, and partly because running in the opposite direction just doesn’t seem like a good thing to do.
I’ve found that it spills out an over abundance of connection to the country and memories and feelings that I consider to be  interference’s.

It’s kind of like a break-up. Emotional connections don’t just ‘zip’,’zilch’ out of your life. It takes time. You’ll still see things or hear music that reminds you of them, and that’s part of the whole process. The duration of it depends on the person.

Thailand will always be a part of my life. I had my son there and he’s a quarter Asian, for goodness sake. I am not against the country or it’s people but by cutting out as much contact with it, it has helped me lesson the emotional attachment I had pertaining to that part of my life. Coming to the understanding that I do not miss it because I have not made a place for that miss to build, is a reassuring, refreshing analysis in my life.
I am capable of doing that with other categories. I can avoid the dangerous, tempting spots. I just make a conscious effort and ‘voila’, time gets it.
Time will always get it.

Coming Back to a Past

I dont think its weird that people are changed or gone, but I am pulled between being happy and sad. I cannot imagine being 30, even 25 and not ever having left Sarnia, Ontario, even Canada.  That is me personally but either way thats the part that makes me happy for those leaving. The other side has me sad and feeling bad for being away the remaining years that the person/people have been here. I understand that lifes paths’ are all different and inevitably people do go down ones’ different from there friends. It is a transition I feel I wanted to be here for and during so that I could take the shift of change with everyone else. Living abroad starting years back pulled me away from that gradual shift and upon reentry I find myself unable to help the desire I have for reuniting and for old good friends to be around.Reguardless of where they are at in life. It is why it is easy to go to a party of friends I haven’t seen for years and be chummy with them as if I had never left. It is why it is easy to contact people that made impact on my life and request to get together. For the friends next to me that have been in the area since the beginning… they find it harder to do that because there has been space all along for them to make the effort. And they just haven’t. It surprised me. But this is how it is. If I had lived here all my life, we all know life would be dramatically different. Who knows, I may even have met you.

Country to Country: People and Interaction

The last three visits I have made to Canada, have been for two months at a time.
Going into it my brain and heart know this. Going through it, my brain and heart know this.
Even though I absorb and seem to mesh into Ontario life quite easily, it is more what it appears like and not what it is.
Since I already know this is temporary, the impact is greater and longer lasting. Conversations are always so much better after I’ve been away. Clicks in my head happen at the slightest things. At things like understanding my rapid mumbles. I am impressed with people and their ability to pick up on feelings and senses. I am humbled by human nature and somedays, it even brings me to tears.
I won’t even have grasped the entirity of my stay- my confrontations and conversations- before I go back.. and knowing this, is just another of those alterations.

I always was a bit shy with my eyes but.. I was better at speaking. I knew where I was going with my sentences and I didn’t feel like the world was spinning backwards and I had to run to keep on top.
And now, when it comes to interaction, there is more that I feel.
And that always makes me feel connected…
and distracted.
So when I’m at an event full of people I haven’t seen in years, there are obligations and conversations that act as magnets and some that lack concentration. I am all over the map as I tighten up my hair elastics and hop right into their train of thought and go. Two miles later while it is still moving, I am getting out. And in that three minute train ride I’ve calculated my insecurities and outwitted my doubts, I’ve surprised myself with my bold and confident form, and I’ve seen someone else that I need to talk to.
So I hop on the next train.
I wasn’t kidding when I said I was all over the map.

When it is all said and done, whether it be weddings, a pub or a funeral party, a downtown group I know well.. I end up reeling in goodness. And also in bad.
It matters that people make effort. It matters that they drive 20 minutes to see me. It matters that they pick me up on ten minute notice and drive me to get a Greek salad without olives.
Being outside of this country has given me new appreciation for friendships and has helped me self reflect in a lot of ways.
Even though I value effort, I know I love certain people by the way that I will go to them.
Every single time.
And it circles back to the fact that I know I am only here visiting. I can do this much now, because in two months time I will be away from the opportunity.

I will not have unloyal or disrespecting friends. I will not have friends that ignore me.
Each new time these two month visits are over, a slew of Facebook friends are deleted.
It doesn’t take a life in another country and then the reentry, to figure out that some people just aren’t wanted in my life anymore..
but that’s the way it happens for me.
And that is where the bad comes in.

It is likely considered dissapointment.
In which; I feel sad when someone I thought would, doesn’t.
I get cocooned and it becomes interesting when I turn it inside out and have the fuzzy touching me.
Because I too, am capable of effort.
I too, can make the approach and dismiss the current car I am in.
If I value that person enough, why shouldn’t I.
I take this fuzzyness and accept how I don’t care to wrap it around people that I used to.

When it comes to people in my life, the selection becomes something I am more selective about. Life is busier and time is more valuable so the people I want to be with, had darn well better be special.

A Point in Marriage

There is a point in marriage I think.
Well, there are a lot of points. But this one I’m talking about, it involves the decision of commitment. You take the vow on the day, for certain.
But it comes back numerous times throughout the marriage and you must make that conscious decision of ‘yes, i’m sticking with this’.
Maybe it doesn’t happen with everyone. Maybe some don’t really acknowledge the choice; that there isn’t one because of that first vow. But to me, a sign of love is making the choice continously. Because love is work. Love takes so much effort and it has more substance when it is something you choose to be in, rather than in because of a vow you made 6 years ago.

It can be a good thing to be aware that you can get out. And that you won’t, because of love.
Of course, in instances of abuse and the like- I would argue changes need to be made.
And if not, the commitment should end.

When we realise the power we have, the decisions we make are more valuable.
When we realise we are staying together, whether it is a question or not- we can be proud of that decision.
Let us feel bits of happiness for making a promise to be with someone for the rest of our life-and
keeping it.
The divorce rates are scary high and we know that marriage is work. It will almost be the hardest thing we do.
So let’s give ourselves some credit and acknowledge the fact that love has brought us here and it is love that will carry us through.

The Change in Meeting

I like meeting people.
At least, I used to.
It’s not at parties or bars anymore. It’s at play places or through my husbands work.
And that is never the same.
For a number of reasons. Not just because I’m not drunk but because they are twice as old as me.
Not just because I’m carrying an 8 month old but because I can’t flirt my way through the conversation.
That used to be my confidence. That used to be where I dug in my heels and planted myself firmly.
And I figure this all out as I’m listening to an older lady speak about books and how she thinks I should read this one when I can find the time. ( glancing down at my young one )
The dynamic, my approach has me reeling. Because it can’t be the same. It won’t be the same.
I flounder, trying to get a good grip, to get to a spot I am eager to play with.

I wonder at what age I will see adults as people just like myself. I wonder when I’ll accept the fact that I to, am an adult. Maybe there will always be stages and transitions and growing and learning. That’s something I should be okay with too. I love becoming better. Who doesn’t. Sometimes it’s work. Sometimes it is effortless.
Sometimes it takes a look into a brilliantly blue eyed 72 year old with a bamboo stick as a cane, to figure out that ‘hey, we’re all just living here’.

Learning Thai

I just had an hour foot massage.
During this time I had a conversation with a Thai woman, all in Thai.
It made me realise a few things.
My Thai has dribbled away into drops that are on the verge of evaporation and that my desire to learn the language
is gone.

It also started the other day when I skyped with my Dad who asked me if I was learning any more Thai.
It wasn’t until after I had said no, that I realised he was the one that had paid for my enrollement in 2010 at Ramkhamhaeng University. ( Yes, try pronouncing THAT right ) Which included a course of the Thai Language. Oh heck I learned alot in those few months. My brain was as switched on as it ever has been.
But my point is, I have disapointed him and myself. I had him even get me an apartment close to the school, so I could really live in Bangkok and focus on learning. Even though we both didn’t know I’d be staying longer than him at the time, I had said I wanted to be able to speak well, even if I only had a year left in Thailand. ( Two years later… )

In 2011, I had even begun looking for more courses to pursue my desire to learn the stuff.
Once pregnancy hit, POOF, I was out of the game and I didn’t even know it.

Even though we have at least another year here, if not two, I know now that I am even further away from learning the language then I was when I first moved here.
And it is because of the defeat. The lacking, the embarresement, the complete giving up notion that we all have experienced in our lives.

The words sound more foreign to me coming out of my mouth then they did when I first began learning.
If you don’t use it, you lose it.
I believe in that more than ever now.

Saying all this though, I do believe I have come to an acceptance of the whole thing.
I know too much of me is outside of this country and that I keep going back to it, looking beyond what is right in front of me.. and that’s something I have to work on.
But I do not think it is worth it now, to struggle with learning more of this language.
I have come to an understanding that the weight of it affects myself far too much,as well as my son and husband, and is more of a burden than anything.
and I’m okay with that.

🙂