And in the End…

You’re the type to leave me speechless while I’m bursting at the seams to speak
The one that’s got me wrapped around my own beating heart.
I’ll gently breath into your soul, while you aggressively reach for mine
And we’ll dance this song to the end so that the start is what we’ll find.

 

A Marriage Ending

I live with the man I married. We talk, we cuddle, sometimes we even kiss.
In 19 days our marriage will end.
We know it will, but neither of us have said it.
It really is quite an odd feeling.
I think I know what follow your heart means now.
I knew from 4 months after dating, I wasn’t. But I liked the guy. And then I loved the guy.
He really is a wonderful man. It’s only become apparent in the last 6 months that we are not good for each other. At this very vulnerable and unstable state of mine, I actually feel unable to form any audible and sensible words with him. He can communicate with me easily. Always has been able too.
But me?
I am in an emotional upheavel that has my head spinning. Everytime he speaks with me on serious matters, I feel worse because it is evident everytime, that I am the main fault of all of this. But perhapas me reaching this point saves us from 10 more years of trying for happy.
Forget about trying for a baby, happiness isn’t even breathing.

I take comfort in the fact that once in Canada I will have the blanket and security I need, for myself to come to terms with what has happened. To accept, to deal, and to begin the run of moving on.
I am confident there, and I’m not even there yet.
But it is why I am pushing the reality away right now. I don’t want to hinder my last bit of time here.
‘ I am a strong woman. I can handle this,” I tell myself. But I am envisioning the me that lives in Canada, not Thailand.
I. Will. Get. There.