Well you and folks,
today was the day.

I met with you for a few hours. We made brownies.
We laid together, intimate together. ( And I mean, reaaaaallly intimate together-like gasping for emotional air, eyes to eyes, nose to nose like we knew everything in the whole world about each other, not just in those seconds, but beyond the minutes)

I cried quite a bit.
But happy mixed with sad tears is like a revelation.

We knew we had to do this. We know we’re supposed to.
That the only chance we ever have of being together again, is to not be in contact. 

So tonight you will call and we will have one of our last conversations we will have in a very long time and we will cease contact and I will say over and over again in my head,

” This is for the best, this is for the best, this is for the flooping gosh-dang-it best’.


You Do

Each time I meet with you, I know you are softer. Your eyes are lighter, your timid smile more present.
You are softening under the developed and beautiful nature you fell in love with. You are seeing the good when you are with me. You are ignoring all the anger and evil from the past.
See me enough, and this won’t disappear but will be something you want to deal with appropriatly, so that you can be with me, like you want to be.

Because I know so badly,
you do.


To Push Encourgement is to also sometimes Waver in the Unknown.

it flew.

we flew

our narrow tinted wings, gaining height,while deeply giving depth
and we second guessed it
but it came back,
it always comes back
we always come back

don’t curse anything, not even the heavy distance
for it all is an impenatrating combination to ourselves
the whispered blows from winded past, and the quaking irony of our embelished in love souls,
not raging. Encouraging everyday like it is our own , our last and ours to hold
We’re a deadly thriller purpose
all the ingrediants of a natural born cause.
a regionment of self reflect, surrounding ourselves like always

even with the clouds flickering about, our shadows on top and over,
someday we

me and you
will unite in flight officially
as rainbows pin themselves to the brightening sky

and eagles soar through couragous weather, burning brightly at our sides,
we will lift our embeded beating hearts and continue
along with the non existing seconds and the drops of drying tears,
filled with joy and engagement, we’ll sing
raise our wings

we’ll fly. 

A Date? With You

I just got back from the movies with you.

Afternoon movies with you. We’d never done that before.
And you were off,weren’t feeling like yourself, and you told me that within 3 minutes of picking me up.

Just more thinky, less happy and grinny. That grin that melts my heart into chocolate heart puddles! Oh how I ADORE it!
I went with it though. Held your hand in the theatres. You reached for mine too.
I rested  my head on your shoulders. You laid yours on mine.

I took my seatbelt off 2 minutes from my house and i put my arms around you while you drove and I said I miss you and you said I miss you too and you reached for my hand. And I said I love you and I had tears and you said I love you too and ‘ no crying!’ and then we were pulling into the bumpy gravel driveway and I took awhile to get out. I just wanted to kiss you. But you were sad I know.
And our date, our little whatever time we had together today, had come to an end.

I got inside and felt sad and sick and that I wanted a drink. I grabbed a soda water out of the fridge like I was angry at it. If it had a brain it would have been afraid. I paced and had to keep busy had to keep busy. My happiness.. relies on how good we are. I can’t help it I can’t help it. It’s strictly attatched. Ugh.

Until next time dear ex boyfriend of mine.
And maybe,
and  maybe, eventually,
you won’t be an ex.

That’s all my heart hopes for these days.


Idiom me Happy

I am certain that if someone had one of those ultra violet-see-what the natural eye cannot see, I would have sunbeams flinging out of my ears and sunshine swooshing from my nose ..and hearts, oh yes, a bazoolion hearts bursting from my eyes.

I’d be positioned inbetween on cloud nine and right over the moon and those two things would be positioned on top of the world.

I’d be in the shape of a clam and I’d be that person go lucky and I’d be having a whale and time all in a jumping for me fashion.

I would be incredibly happy
because seeing my ex and us feeling our feelings

would be like taking a walk in the fantastic floopin’ park.

Oh Darling!

It’s been two weeks since I started these writings for you.
Feels like half a year since we’ve been apart.

You’re literally a six minute drive away ( and I don’t use literally lightly ) and I miss you more than I miss my husband- who lives on the other side of the world. ( For those of you who don’t know, we are seperated and in the process of divorce )

You text me a big one today. Saying how I was the most naturally beautiful woman in the world. That I was interesting and sometimes funny and that again, I should please take care of myself. I am overwhelmed and text back, ‘ love. you’

and you reply:
” love you too”

I ask if you’d like me to bring over some of my fruit cobbler I just made.
You reply, ” Oh geeze. I won’t be able to refrain you. I’m going to have to say no this time.’
I say, ” Well apparently you’re quite capable of refraining. :P’
You say, ” Through text, haha’

Oh us.

I want to come over tonight.
Will you let me?

A Long Post on a Meet Up

Yesturday after you were done with your stabby’d foot, and after texting on my break, you walked into the store.
I saw you before you saw me and my heart burst a glow and my face went insta’grin.

I came up to you and we flirted words and smiled shy and it brought me immediatly back to our first weeks of dating. It was like we fell into a pool of pre history. History that was new but known and I swam in it for the rest of my shift.

That’s big.
Three weeks ago I wouldn’t have dreamed you’ve ever choose to see me again.

And before we parted ways, I squeezed your arm and said, ” Cya tonight?”
I had asked earlier if you would mind if I brought over a chicken pot pie I was going to make.
” No, I wouldn’t mind.” you reply.

So there I am after work, quickly working on your dinner.
And an hour later I am at your place with pie in hand and I ask,
” Do you want me to stay?”
We stand for 30 seconds well I try and gauge you.
“Hasn’t stopped you before”
” Well yes, but I think I learned my lesson.”


You guessed it.
We sat and had a drink. We moved to the couch.
You asked if I wanted another drink.
I said, ” Just water please”
“That’s the best answer I’ve heard all night”you say happily.

We talked about everynothings.
” Do you feel different now? Like a weight or an uneasiness is gone now? With you, with us?” you question.
” Yes, I suppose. I still felt clear to myself though,before, and happy with self, but it was just suffocated under all the stuff that was loaded on top. All the assumptions and supposed occurances. So then yes, I do feel lighter.”

It was a sliver into what I feel we will talk about in greater eventuality.
A solid healthy talk that we would need before getting back together. Weeks, months.

We ate my chicken pie together and you bought a dessert for us- my favorite cookie cheesecake- ( you are a beautiful soul ) and when i called my brother for a ride in two hours, your lips went into a frown and I came to you and you said,
” I wanted you to sleep over with me.”
Overjoyment gets wrapped around my intestines and comforts my heart and brain and I hug you and then we’re kissing against the fridge and clothes are coming off and then we’re in bed and then eventually we’re wrapped around each other and our eyes are facing each other and they’re getting sleepy and we lay there getting sleepy and pretty soon we’re asleep.

I rub your back and your head in the middle of the night when I know you are having trouble sleeping.

” I feel like I’m mad at you-like you just did something wrong” you say.
I sigh.
You tell me thanks in the morning for the backscratch.
We have coffee together and you’re always a bit more distant than me but I know that I’m to be extra huggy so that you don’t feel even worse.

And you drive me home in your truck that I crashed a month ago.
And you drive slow and before pulling into my parents driveway, I unbuckle my seatbelt and get to your side and wrap my arms around you and kiss your cheek.. Long and slow and you sigh and reach for my hand.

Then I’m getting out and we’re saying ‘cya’ not ‘goodbye’ like we were a month ago.

We know we’ll see each other again. We’re still best friends.