What if we Could…

We all want to be ourselves. And that’s what we are best at.
Why spend our one life unhappy being someone else when being ourselves is part of our purpose. We are going to get the most out of this entire experience by learning to give our individuality something.
A chance to be what it is.

Just try it.

There are billions out there. Look at all of us online here. All the relations and understandings and recognition. If we can find it online, certainly we can find it out in the world. Because guess what, the internet is what’s out in the world,-heck it’s even in airplanes now- which means those people are too.

You’ve got nothing to lose by speaking your thoughts. Let the bold you stand through. You’ll create stronger and the most closest relationships you’ve ever had because they are loving YOU and you’ll know it because that’s the only person you’re giving them.

Thailand Flashbacks

I have to think about the correlation between my Abroad flashes and my current life.

I have started to get them and sometimes they are very intense.
It is not exactly miss for the country, but there are moments in those memories that fling me to the kitchen floor in ache.

Perhaps it is that life I lived, dripping out of me. Like an open Pepsi bottle and its fizz, carbonation floating up and out. Leaving the pop, flat.

And I feel slightly like I am being emptied.
That my senses for that place, the language and the smells, the sights and the people, they are slowly leaving my brain box.
I am not scared for that.
But it is a bit scary.

 

My Mother Reveals

My mom texted me before I left for her party on Saturday. ‘Jen. Can you come up here.  ‘
I went up to find her in bed in pjs with her makeup and hair all done up. Laying down against the mauve of her pillow and she looked so pretty.

“If you need something to wear I have dresses in the other closet you could wear. I haven’t worn them yet”.
” Ok thanks.
And I start to leave the room.

” oh and
I’m really nervous.”
She’s wringing her hands together.

She continues on:
” Should I have a glass of wine?
Will you come up with me if I have to say a thank you speech?
Can Zeek sit with me to blow out the candles?
Do you have any wine? Will you bring it up?’

There’s frantic and panic in her voice and she looked so beautiful in fear. I felt a glimmer of sorry for her. In what she must be feeling.
And that, she can look so together, and reveal and be so vulnerable. Like she was a little girl all over again.
She let her guard down so I could walk in and see her that way.

She revealed her ability to reveal.

Timidosity


I want to launch. 
Not into any topic in particular, but because that is a familiar feel with you. 
I won’t sweetener things. I won’t wear a coat and call it Sugar. 
 
Since interaction between you and I began, I was interested in your oceans. 
And I really feel that I won’t stop having the desire to swim them. 
 
Are we dangerous? 
 
I walk on pebbles of fear
and I am not wearing any slippers.

 
 

Mom, You Don’t Like My Choices

There is tension and pressure in the household. Mom can’t handle us being here. Probably because of my decisions. I’ve always had guy friends-a lot more than I have had girls. But I think it’s weird for her to know I’m hanging out with them now, or when I have them over. Specially ones she has not met before. We’ve been avoiding one another for three days.
She told me she can see that my brother and I have lives and that she should get one too. Guess what. She’s been saying that for four years.

On another side of things. I have to go about my friendships differently. To trod carefully. I don’t usually. I don’t think I am managing them well. They are managng me. Because I’m floundering.
Two ‘friends’ have already dropped off because I didn’t want to be with them. There is fear in that. If I tell everyone I don’t want to be with them, do they all drop off?
I am terrified of being alone even though I know I should feel it.

But my best friends marriage two and a half years after her divorce, has never made more sense.

Writings of My Dark Room

Last week I went to a very dark place.

For four days I stayed inside those walls.
I was aware of all the things I should do, that I needed to do in order to be better. But I didn’t care and I became numb to things and I went out for hours at a time drinking and wandering and not even feeling alone..but.. helpless.It’s an odd idea. To have such a detailed awareness of what I need to do, and then to actually feel unable. To feel the in ability and to know that I’m making it up. That it’s all me.That I’m the one making the problem, enlarging the issue. Im the one being ridiculous and child-like and yet… I feel too weak to change it.
I began to blame every little difficult thing-like the way Zeeks bag wouldn’t zip up on the first try, or tripping over wires, if Zeek cried for more than two minutes- I blamed that on the fact that it was because I was here in Thailand. I began to get angry and I didn’t even realise it was happening.

I had felt that I would be able to get on track and get involved and do more things with Zeek outside of the home. I really believed I would.
And then. It kept on not happening. I kept telling myself I was happy working on my videos and pictures and that if I could just get those done I would feel better.
But I just got in deeper. So deep that before I knew it, I was shutting down and walking with this cement structure around myself, ignoring Morgan and doing the minimal with Zeek.
Light could not enter my space. And I don’t think I even wanted it too. For the first time in my entire life, I actually felt incapable of fixing anything. Incapable of breaking the cube, of being happy. I felt life slide from my finger tips and my lack of care became what I breathed everywhere I went. I stopped eating and using drink, I both mentally and emotionally exhausted myself.
I knew I needed to be better and I knew Morgan and Zeek didn’t deserve to be treated the way I was treating them. I knew I was failing and I just got more angry at myself. I was miserable. I didn’t even feel alone. There was a layer of numbness to everything else I felt. I was unable to be the person I wanted. I hated that I had created this room and the person I was being inside of it.
I hated it, yet I felt I could not escape it..

In the meantime I of course stopped all contact with my family and my mother worried and wanted to talk but I felt like doing nothing of the sort and I stopped emailing the few people I was because silly this, the wait time for responses had me going wild.

I removed myself from any light because I felt all it did was make the issue less raw and I needed it to be raw in order for me to come to this point.

You would think after five years of living abroad I would have accepted being away from Canada but it isn’t the case. I guess that’s partly where all the phases and stages come in.

I have reaccepted my stay here and I have reevaluated my time and I’m kind of ready to not sulk here anymore. I’m okay.

Because it got me to a desperate make believe,four walled room where enough dizzying circles would have resulted in me being put on a plane without my son and flown to my home country where counselling sessions would have been forced into my brain space.

Sometimes I guess, we need refreshing. Sometimes we need to defrag our computers, delete various people on Facebook we don’t even know anymore and dye our hair. Sometimes we need to make big changes in order for us to continue- or even to be – happy.

I Struggle with Myself

I’m a bit lost these days. What does one do? I guess I never thought I would be in this situation because I’ve been pretty darn great at keeping myself happy. But it is a new low.
When you know you can be better in your relationship, when you know the things you need to do, but you have no will to do them? When you know you are capable of being happier and you are focused on what you think you need but deep down you know that you need to fix what you are in.
You need to fix what you are in because right now, it is fixable.
But it is the most scariest thing I have ever been a part of because it deals with my child and my marriage and I now, after only so long, I realise I am not fit to be commitable. I can’t do it. I run. I have run all my life out of relationships.From people that have wanted to marry me. From people that would have done so much to keep me.
Little things irritate me and I have been able to run because of all the others out there.
Even now, they are there. But it has taken this long for these things to add up, about him. About the guy I married. It has taken this long, four years, for even the tiniest bit of running thought, to enter. And I wonder, why the hell now.
I am so far removed from this situation. I’m already out and I don’t want to be in. But I feel pressed to be and we started documents today to move to Canada and I know I am supposed to talk to him and say everything and spill it all, but I am Running Women, I have been doing it all my life and this is where it gets me. To here. To a dead end. Because I know I will not be happy. I am doing this to him and to myself. To our son.
And I feel so messed up. There is noone I have. No best friends. Noone to talk to.
I’ve got myself here,
How do I get myself out ?