Technical

I
will always remember you.

When you entered my life,
I would never not know you existed.
And now more then ever,
I don’t ever want to know what that feels like.

And I think about you
more often then what I think you think I do.

You’re a precious soul.
And I feel proud of myself
that I had someone like you in my life.

You are the coral people dive for.
You are the gold people mine for.

You are
one of my lifes highlights.
And my feeling is,
that,
you will always be.
I carry you in my heart wherever I go.
Sorry if you get voodoo spins or bad visuals.
You’re the light
to my demise.
And I don’t know if
you’ll ever know that.

Always Ever, Feel

The world spun me backwards, that afternoon in the shade.
It whittled it’s way into my grass bones and slowed down everything.
Until I felt life and things, sliding away from me.
I didn’t want that. I really didn’t.
And that’s when the speed disoriented me; like a feather in a hurricane.

I dug into my pockets in a calm frantic for a feeling and I pulled it out and
held it close to my confused heart.
I just felt it and felt it and felt it and accepted that I was and
I was letting that feeling be and realized it meant I was dealing and when I dealt
that’s then the world launched forward.
And I was ever always, going to be okay.
As long as I let myself feel what I was,
I was always ever, going to be okay.

 

Consumed

I feel.
So much so,
that I become.

My insides evaporate and I become what I feel.
I am Alone and Full of Love. I am Full of Emptiness and Helplessness and I am the Panic that begins to flood all of this and it’s making me Sick and Lost and I’m Fumbling for Communication. I am ready to shrink and ready to burst and nothing is good.

 
But it is right.

Because this is what happens when our feelings consume us.

 

You Can Fake your Way Through Anything…But Don’t.

You can make your entire world ; your friends, family, other daily interactions.. think that you’re okay. That you’re even happy. That you’re feeling a certain way when you are not. That you ARE a certain way when you’re not.
You know how you can pretend to like a gift? And then just shove it in your closet, under your bed, regift..

If we pretend to like the gift of life, it’s not ever going to give us what we want.
The more we fake happiness-the worst being with the ones we are closest with, the better we get at it. Until we are reacting naturally like that.
But what’s the point?
To pretend we enjoy living? To pretend we’re actually as happy as our posted photos say? Come on guys, who are we kidding.
We’re never going to actually be happy that way.
Kinda just gotta be real with ourselves and maybe be more open to our sadness or downfalls and communicative of them. ‘Cause you know, the likeliness of connecting with someone over some unhappiness, is quite well…likely.Whether its with your sibling or best friend or person you just met.
And being cared by someone who REALLY knows your feels, well that’s a really good gift to give back to life. And Life don’t pretend nothing.

Time Again

I grow and I learn,
and it is more common now
that I feel this happening.
I am aware and understanding
of the favorable and opposing.

I long to be strong and broken free
of this position I put myself in
time over and time under.
Time Again.

This is easier to accept then it was,
but it doesn’t go without struggle.
These that pull and push
not what I want
but at what length
what I will allow
and if I’m okay with feeling
like shite for it
every now and then.

I feel unFair and I am Feeling
that I let calibre go
just to feel the good I long for.
Time again.

 

but who am i kidding,

 

 

time always.

 

Lightweight EarthStage

Putting on ballons. To wear them running.
Attatched as well, with lightweight fabric that the wind is going to do nothing but caress.

Soul of lightweight touch too.

Strands of hair dancing in wild with the strands of light.
that filter through the branches of all the trees.

Feather pockets and around neck and tugging fabric at all your skins creases.
The weathers amusement.

The trees brand of entertainment.

Coddling the grass with toes.
Devouring gulps of air that’s falling into darker states.
As the sun sets
lighter than all the shadows.
on the stage of light

Ballooing into a lighter being of adventurous.

 

 

One of those First Day Posts

I didn’t think I wasn’t capable, just that I wasn’t the type to feel that way. I even thought about it and felt that brushing it off and getting on with my day, was how I would deal with it. So when leaving my son on his first day of daycare with a welling rise in my throat and gloss already forming on my sight, well, it kinda threw me off.
But it didn’t either.

It didn’t feel THAT weird. It just felt weird that I didn’t expect that reaction of mine.
It felt good and it felt weird that it felt good.

I had visions of him without me, interacting with unfamiliar people and being so…alone. Those images packed into my brain without warning throughout the day. I called two hours after I left him, to make sure he was doing fine. Of course he was.

I arrived 10 minutes prior to leaving time and circled the block about three times and felt like a funny mom, laughing at myself for how ridiculous and how proper all of that, all of me, was.

He survived his first day and so did I.

And the real special part was when I walked into the room and he saw me from across it and jumped off his horse and ran and ran and ran right to me with his little arms outstretched to hug my bones, my self, my life, my love and I immediatly felt cry come up my insides and curve to the ceiling and I knew I didn’t want to talk to anyone because I wouldn’t be able to form edible words and so I signed out quick and got him to the truck and talked to him all the way home about his day and loved and loved and loved. And when we got home I sat with him, close to him, with him touching my face and telling me he had missed me and holding my ears and sayin he had cried a little bit because he was ‘squared’ and ‘wanted Mommy there’.

I would never had understood any of those feelings from another parent if I had not experienced this day for myself. This day, those feelings, that love, that humanity.
Thank you heartbeat of mine, for sad and scared and wondering days like these. Where the trickling of all those sensations makes up a very, very life of a feeling. A heart swelling blooming living feeling, that you can’t forget once you know it.

Why We Write

Many reasons why we write.

Maybe mostly we write when we are sad. When we are bored. When we have experienced happiness. When we desire validation. Each like or comment or follow flickers our insides in some way or another. And it’s a positive. Certainly that is a type of way we do life too. We want people to like what we say and even when we do nice things, it’ll be okay if someone notices and says, “Hey, Good job”. That’s humanity.

We all have our struggles.

Some of you are going through university doing your best .Some of you are hurting in your relationship. Family disputes, bosses, fellow employees. There is usually always something we have going on in our life that’s a negative.
And sometimes we write about it.
The way I see it, negatives mean something to us or else we wouldn’t care or feel about it. Things are easy to shrug off when there are no attachments, no values, no feel for it.

We can’t really turn that off. We can possibly redirect it. But even then, we’re still going to feel bad about what makes us feel bad. Because that’s our core. That’s who we are.

Some of us are trying to figure out life. Like me.
About who we are and what we stand for. Sometimes we go through huge cliff jumping changes and we get disorientated and lost and we just want to love and be free from all our faults and poor choices of our past.
And we can understand that it is not a fast overnight change. That it will take months, if not years to fully re-position ourselves.

And sometimes that isn’t fast enough. We want to jump to that part so speaking becomes easier and better and jumping through hoops and not just screwing up,but screwing up the SAME screw up- isn’t part of your life. Because you just feel tangled. You feel foreign to life simply because you are who you want to be now, but who you were smudges the edges and brings the image of you and the idea of you, into an oddly disfigured creature. Is THAT who I am?

I’m still chained to my past. Habits break out and I hate them. I don’t want them but they happen. Addictions that I never thought were, still make there appearance even now. After how much I’ve been wanting and willing and HAVE, changed. They still exist. And it completely bops me off my rocker.

How the fook are they still there when I want nothing to do with them?
I feel better.

Hmm, maybe we all just write because it feels better.