The time told me I had little left
so I hopped on a bus and let it take me where I ended up.
I didn’t do much there, just painted my nails and such.
I feasted on freedom
and downed optimism so quick I hiccuped for an hour after.
I didn’t worry about anything and it was easy and calm and hopeful.
So when I arrived back, the planet in my heart had more land of bright
and it affected the rest of my imagination space
and as long as time is,
I’ll always have that.
Even when I can’t remember where I put it.
I move the three inch bottle from my purse to my left open sleeve.
I am sitting beside my younger brother who is sitting beside my father who is sitting beside his mom-my 85 year old grandmother- who doesn’t know who we are.
I am in church.
And I take my wrist and i scratch my neck and Idon’t really care how obvious it is. I want it. So I drink a shot of whatever is in the bottle: vodka,rum,spiced something black licorcie?
I am seeing my fathers brother-my 58 year old Uncle- on the pulpit. But I do not hear what he is saying.
I am thinking about my parents attic. And the entrance to it in my mothers room. ( because my parents sleep in seperate rooms )
I am thinking about how
I mixed vodka with wine earlier.Because I was desperate for potency.
Look at all these ‘I’s. All about me eh. I’ve always been a selfish person. Prooved that in every fricken relationship I ever had.
It’s terrible really .
And I think too,
I will stop caring about the dynamic between my son and my mother.
Let it be votile. Let he be raised wrong. Let it be out of my hands. It will never change from what it is. She will not change. She is 61.
She is raising him like she raised us.
And we’re all sucks and let her do the dishes and drive us places and she bends like a grass blade in 0 mile an hour wind.
It’s a rare morning I wake up to. With baby sleeping, time awake, and my brain right in that location of goodness for writing. Marvelous spot.
Even though I begin this post without much knowledge as to what it will be filled with, I know that I want to write and that I want to post.
I am here in Canada with my boyfriend and I have realized that I have neglected him over the weeks that we have been here. My family has undergone some major changes and upheavel, we’ve went out and I’ve introduced him to my family and friends..all with a new baby in our arms.
It’s very different. In Thailand its just him and I. And Zeek. We don’t have many friends there, so we are throwing time in for each other, watching it whirl its cycle and loving it. Loving the focus. The focus that is deprived here.
I am here for a limited time.
But that doesn’t justify my neglect with my partner.
I see my parents in me. Walking around each other under the same roof. But not ever any real passion or questions on how the day was or what they did.
I see them in me and it scares myself to bits.
My boyfriend is quite the opposite and talks everything over and asks me how I am when we’re out and makes sure I am comfortable and happy. Since here I realized that I could be the cause of that dwindle. If I don’t give back, if I make him feel very distant from me, why would he want to continue asking after me?
I understand there is a selfless state that comes with any relationship and love. But in this situation I see that I have not been fair and have almost pushed him aside even though he is one of the most important people in my life.
No matter the limited time, no matter how busy or how tired, it is so very very important to make the effort and connect with your loved one.
Do it consciously for a certain length of time and before you know it, you’ll be doing it without thought.